


P.S. Mind the Dragons

by Farashe



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Epistolary, F/M, Letters
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-18
Updated: 2018-03-09
Packaged: 2018-03-23 11:39:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 47,826
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3766747
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Farashe/pseuds/Farashe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The events of Inquisition told through the correspondence between Myrlana Lavellan and Commander Cullen.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana reports from the Hinterlands and objects to the title of "Herald".

_Commander Cullen,_

_I have already sent a report to Sister Leliana regarding my meeting with Mother Giselle, but I thought I should update you on the military situation here. I’ve met with Corporal Vale. He is a fine soldier, and I can see why Leliana recruited you to train and lead the men if men like the Corporal are the result. His first, second and third thoughts were all for how the Inquisition could better aid the refugees here._

_As suggested, I met with Master Dennet. He did provide me with a mount, but he currently refuses to send any horses to the Inquisition with the region in such turmoil. Being here, seeing all the fighting, I can’t blame him. Luckily he had some suggestions for us to make things better, but I will need your help. I’ll be taking care of some wolves that are terrorizing the area (Solas believes something is wrong with them. Even the innocent creatures of Thedas are going mad it seems), but one of Dennet’s men also suggested watchtowers at certain key points to help protect the roads and people from bandits. It sounded like a good solution to me so I’m sending you a map of the locations. I’m hoping the Inquisition can spare the resources to build and man these towers._

_Sincerely,  
Myrlana Lavellan_

\---

Herald,

Thank you for the report. I cannot say hearing of the chaos and death in the area pleases me, but it is good to know that you are helping. The watchtowers are an excellent idea and the locations you noted are all strategically sound. I am sending men and materiel immediately.

I received a report from Corporal Vale as well. He was full of praise himself for the Herald of Andraste. Something about hunting rams and stealing blankets from apostates? According to him, the refugees will now live through the winter thanks solely to your intervention.

There is little to report from Haven except that Lady Montilyet seems to think the Inquisition must make a showing in Val Royeaux as soon as possible. She and Sister Leliana have been meeting with Mother Giselle every day to discuss the various power players. I thank the Maker I’m merely a soldier and do not need to concern myself with such political maneuvering. They wish you to expedite your return to Haven, however. Proper timing is paramount apparently.

Sincerely,  
Commander Cullen

\---

_Commander,_

_I will return as soon as I am able. There is a cult here that I want to investigate first. Apparently they have begun to worship a rift! It is some sort of end of days nonsense. I hope to convince them that this isn’t the end, that there will be a future. If nothing else, I will close the rift they’re all gathered around so they at least won’t all be slaughtered by demons._

_After that I should be able to make my way back to Haven. I really hope they aren’t thinking of sending me to Val Royeaux, however. I can just see all the noses suddenly going up in disdain at the sight of the Dalish elf everyone calls “Herald”. Further up in disdain anyway. Most Orlesians seem to think disdain is the only way to view anything._

_And please, Commander, call me by my name. Herald of Andraste makes me uncomfortable. I understand that I can’t keep people who don’t know me from calling me that, but I hope that at least you and the others leading the Inquisition will see me as myself. As I told you, I am no Herald of anything, least of all Andraste. You know, you’re the only person who ever asked me how I felt about being called that. So I hope you will heed my wishes here. Thank you._

_Sincerely,  
Myrlana Lavellan_

\---

Lady Lavellan,

I shall endeavor to keep your wishes in mind. I know all of this has been very unexpected. Serving among the templars, I very rarely encountered people that were not Andrastian and though that is no excuse, I hope you will forgive me if I offend.

I received a report of your dealings with the cult. I must say, I’m impressed. Corporal Vale tells me the cultists are now providing assistance to the refugees. He also told me to expect a young Lord Berand and his men who you convinced to join the Inquisition. I am always grateful for trained reinforcements.

I am glad to know that you are on the road back to Haven. Tensions here are running a bit high, and I believe your presence may smooth some ruffled feathers.

Commander Cullen

\---

_Commander,_

_Your insistence on referring to me as a “Lady” is unnecessary. I’m Dalish: we don’t have nobility, and I’m fairly certain most humans would be terribly disturbed at the thought of an elven “Lady”. However, it is better than “Herald of Andraste” so I shall let it pass._

_I apologize if I sound snippy. Val Royeaux is...not my favorite place. The snobbery is even worse than I’d feared. Add to that the fact that the templars seem unwilling to listen to anybody and marched themselves smartly off who knows where, and I’m starting to feel as if this whole excursion was a waste of time. I know you still have respect for many in the Templar Order, but I can’t help but think that coming to an agreement with them may be impossible. Besides, we don’t know where they’ve gone._

_I was approached by Grand Enchanter Fiona. So at least the mages want to talk. After I return from Val Royeaux, I will make my way to Redcliffe to meet with them._

_But first, I must endure Orlais a little longer. I’ve recruited a young elf named Sera who is involved with a network called the Friends of Red Jenny. I don’t quite understand it, but I think she could be useful. She’s an excellent archer anyway. She should arrive in Haven soon. Beware, she’s...spunky. Get Varric to tell you the story of how we met her once we’re back. It’s quite entertaining._

_This afternoon I’ve been invited to a party hosted by First Enchanter Vivienne of Montsimmard. I hope showing up in my armor is appropriate as that is all I have to wear. I normally don’t worry about clothes, but I admit, this place is insane. Even the stationery was trying to look down at me._

_Oh dear, I apologize for my familiar manner, Commander. I suppose I just wanted to complain to someone that can’t give me a look the way Cassandra and Solas do. And Varric just laughs._

_I shall return to Haven soon._

_Myrlana Lavellan_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, thanks to [Delouest](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Delouest/pseuds/Delouest) for the title! And for being a wonderful beta/cheerleader!
> 
> I've always thought that much of Myrlana and Cullen's relationship must have taken place through writing since she has to travel around so much. Also, I love writing letters myself so it's been a lot of fun to write letters using these two characters' voices. I hope you enjoyed!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana goes to the Storm Coast.

Lady Lavellan,

Are you all right? The reports say the you encountered a dragon while scouting the area around that camp you took over from bandits on the East Road. The reports mention you were injured but there weren’t any details. The Inquisition could ill-afford to lose you.

In other matters, I made some inquiries into that mercenary band, The Bull’s Chargers. By all accounts they are a professional, well-trained group, and their leader is intelligent and charismatic. I’m sure Sister Leliana could give you more details about their past contracts, but from a purely military stance, they could be formidable allies. I’m not sure how I feel about hiring mercenaries, but we do need all the help we can get.

I know you were planning to meet with the mages, but I think it might be better to meet with the Chargers first. More allies mean we will be taken more seriously by those we wish to negotiate with. Or so Josephine tells me. I also hope we can get to the bottom of what happened to the scouts we sent looking for the Grey Wardens there. I hate losing men.

Hoping you are well,  
Commander Cullen

\---

_Commander Cullen,_

_Are you worried about me, Commander? I’m touched to know you care, especially after how horribly I embarrassed you with all those questions about Templar vows. In all seriousness though, there is nothing to worry about. I’m perfectly all right. It is true we saw a dragon (and a horde of her children), but we were wise enough to retreat. I’m sure we’ll need to deal with her eventually so that she doesn’t start raiding more populated areas, but we have time to prepare. There was a dicey moment where she shot some flame at us, but Warden Blackwall--the Warden I sought out on Sister Leliana’s suggestion--managed to get his shield between me and the blast. We’re all a bit singed, but it was nothing some elfroot salves couldn’t fix._

_I’m taking your advice so we are headed to the Storm Coast now. Blackwall seems very interested to investigate the Warden presence there. It would seem that outside of Blights many Wardens go their own way. Or maybe it’s just Blackwall. He seems to be a bit of a loner, but he can be quite gallant and charming as well._

_I will send you a report about what we find._

_Myrlana Lavellan_

\---

Lady Lavellan,

I am relieved to hear your injuries from the dragon were not severe.

This Warden Blackwall may be charming, but remember, we do not know what the Wardens are up to right now. The timing of their disappearance is rather disturbing, so please, don’t let your guard down.

Please excuse how brief this note is. We have a batch of new recruits in desperate need of training. I worry a few of them don’t even realize which end of the sword to hold.

Commander Cullen

\---

_Commander,_

_Are you, perhaps, jealous? No, no, don’t respond. I know you’ll just deny it. Forget I wrote that._

_My impression of the Storm Coast: wet. I’m not fond of being wet. The other hunters in my clan used to draw straws for who would be paired with me on our excursions during the rainy season. Short straw got stuck with me. Wet and cold turns me into a grumpy, unpleasant creature. With a battleaxe._

_We met The Iron Bull and his Chargers. I like him. He’s loud, drinks a lot, and likes to hit things. But he obviously cares about his men. He reminds me of you that way. He’s also a qunari spy. I am not certain what to make of that though at least he was upfront about it. I will let Leliana untangle that knot, I think. My instincts say to trust him though. Solas isn’t fond of him, and Varric is wary. Old grudges against qunari die hard it seems._

_Scout Harding has given me a map showing me where the Inquisition soldier were supposed to be so I’m off to figure out what happened. Hopefully they just found someplace miraculously dry and holed up there. Hopefully. I don’t see to have much hope to spare, however. Perhaps that is the weather speaking…_

_With sincere grumpiness,  
Myrlana Lavellan_

\---

Lady Lavellan,

You always appear so calm and collected at Haven that I cannot imagine you in the foul mood you describe. Of course, I have also seen you wield that enormous battleaxe of yours so I think I shall count myself grateful that it’s too cold for rain here. Personally, I find heat worse that rain. As a boy, my family lived near a lake so I could swim on the hottest days, but once I entered Templar training… Maker! I remember training in sunbaked yards in full armor absolutely sure I was going to just melt into a puddle right there.

But on to serious matters. Leliana seems willing to work with Iron Bull. I don’t believe she trusts him, but she seems very intrigued by these ben-hassrath reports he’ll have access to. I admit, I share Varric’s wariness. I was in Kirkwall too. The qunari killed a lot of people.

I pray your hopes prove correct.

Cullen Rutherford

P.S. Sister Leliana saw me writing this letter and asks that I add something for her. She just received a raven from an agent near Redcliffe. Apparently there something odd going on there. She believes that if you wish to meet with the mages, time may be short. There is nothing concrete, but she has good instincts about these matters.

\---

_Commander,_

_I deeply regret to inform you that the patrol is dead. They were killed by a group called the Blades of Hessarian. The Blades were ordered to attack the Inquisition by their leader (or employer, perhaps? He was not a member of their group, just the one giving them orders). I challenged their leader and eventually killed him. The Blades of Hessarian seemed relieved to be free of his guidance and are now sworn to the service of the Inquisition._

_(Varric is peeking over my shoulder and insists that I correct myself. The Blades of Hessarian are NOT sworn to the Inquisition; they follow the Herald of Andraste. But that amounts to the same thing so I don’t see it as an important distinction. Especially because I am not her Herald whatever all of you seem to think. There, Varric, are you happy? I’m not sure why Varric seems so obsessed with the technicalities. His tales are full of inaccuracies.)_

_I am very sorry I was unable to save our soldiers, and I understand you may be unhappy about having their killers working for us now. They are going to stay out here though to keep an eye on the coast so hopefully their distance will help. I honestly believe they are honorable, however, and were just the victims of bad orders. I know this doesn’t excuse them, but I hope their service will help redeem them in the Inquisition’s eyes._

_We will be beginning our journey back to Haven at first light tomorrow. The Wardens we were tracking are obviously no longer here, and the only information we were able to glean about their objective is that they were searching for someone that they were unable to find. I know Leliana believes time is of the essence with the mages, but unfortunately, my armor needs some patching, Cassandra’s hilt needs to be rewrapped, Varric wants to get his boots resoled, Blackwall wants to see if Harritt can get a dent out of his shield… We’re all a bit worn and just need some maintenance before we go haring off again._

_Myrlana Lavellan_

_P.S. As were were breaking camp this morning we saw a dragon and a giant in the distance. They were fighting. It was terrifying but also an incredible sight. Eventually the dragon flew off, but it was obviously the winner of the confrontation. The giant could barely stand. We killed the giant ourselves. I shall have to tell you of the fight in detail when I return to Haven. It truly was awe inspiring._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana goes to Redcliffe Village to meet the mages.

Lady Lavellan,

I hope your journey to Redcliffe has been uneventful. And dry. I was impressed by how much mud you had managed to accumulate when you returned from the Storm Coast. Good luck with the mages.

I thought you should know that the Bull’s Chargers are solely responsible for Flissa having to double the amount of ale she purchases. Finding suppliers willing to ship to Haven is driving our Quartermaster to distraction.

Luckily, they are worth the aggravation. The Chargers’ officers have begun assisting me with training recruits, where their experience is very welcome. Probably even more useful (though far more worrying for an ex-Templar like myself) is Dalish, the Chargers’ elven “archer”, and her lessons to the various mages here wishing to learn more offensive spells. She takes them out of the village and away from the training grounds thankfully, and the Iron Bull approves of my sending one of the Templars that are here with us to supervise in case things get out of hand. So far the arrangement is working, and I know the mages are thankful for the chance to learn to defend themselves. Perhaps most surprising is that Madame Vivienne summoned me today to inform me that she wishes to instruct the mages herself at some of these lessons. She said that they needed a “properly trained mage” to correct any mistakes they pick up from Dalish.

Hopefully, Madame de Fer and Dalish don’t end up squabbling. They could easily level the village.

And please, your apologies about the Blades of Hessarian are unnecessary. I understood your reasoning when you sent your report, and your continued apologies back in Haven were appreciated but there was never anything for me to forgive. I have to come to greatly respect your decisions even the ones I would have made differently. I truly believe, even though I know you won’t agree, that you were meant to be a part of this Inquisition. You have most assuredly proved you are worthy of our trust.

Please, take care with the mages. And avoid dragons if possible.

Cullen Rutherford

\---

_Commander,_

_I am touched by your faith in me, and I swear I will try to deserve it. I may not believe in your Maker, but I do believe in what the Inquisition is trying to accomplish so I will do whatever I can to help. I don’t know what this mark on my hand means, but I am glad that I have the power to do some good among all of this chaos and death._

_Leliana was right to be concerned about Redcliffe. Something is going on here. We’ve taken rooms at the inn in the village while we await a meeting with the leader of the mages. This leader is NOT Grand Enchanter Fiona, by the way. It seems Tevinter has taken an interest in the struggles of the southern mages. That doesn’t bode well. Nor does the fact that apparently Fiona doesn’t ever remember speaking to me in Val Royeaux. In fact, she insists she wasn’t even in Orlais!_

_There was something else too. A rift opened outside the town gates, but it was different from the others. Time seemed to slow down in certain patches. It was incredibly strange. I’ve included Solas’ notes on what happened. Could you perhaps pass them to the mages and anyone else that maybe be able to provide insight? I’m not sure they’ll have anything to add. Solas himself was baffled. I can’t help but think this strange rift may be linked to whatever is happening with the mages._

_I wish I could have seen Redcliffe Village in more normal times. They have a monument to the Hero of Ferelden here. I thought Blackwall was going to leave a ritual offering to it. Not that she isn’t an incredible woman from all I hear. And I’ve heard a lot. It seems every villager here has a story about her or King Alistair and how they saved everyone. I shall have to ask Leliana about some of the more outrageous claims. Although perhaps not. She doesn’t seem to like telling stories of her past, and I really don’t want her to ever be angry with me._

_I hope Vivienne doesn’t get too imperious with Dalish. I’m sure they both have valuable things to teach._

_Wish me luck in meeting with this Tevinter magister…_

_Myrlana Lavellan_

\---

Lady Lavellan,

Please be careful! Perhaps this is my Chantry and Templar prejudices speaking, but Tevinter magisters cannot be trusted! Of course, it’s a moot point. By the time you get this letter, your meeting will be over. Maker, I hope things went well and you’re unharmed. I’m sure I will imagine the worst until you ride back into Haven.

Part of me wishes I could point out that I argued for us to approach the Templars. Unfortunately, it seems that may not have been any safer an option. Sister Leliana tells me that while some of the Templars passed information to the Inquisition telling us they had set up at Therinfal Redoubt, those same Templars have now gone silent. Leliana has had no word from within Therinfal since before you left Haven. I fear something terrible may have occurred there as well.

Sometimes I feel as if we are laboring to level a mountain with a single pickax. But I should not lay my burdens on you. You already carry so much for all of us.

In an effort to think more pleasant thoughts, I asked Leliana about the Hero and Redcliffe. She told me all of the stories are absolutely true. Since I didn’t ask about any specific tales, and she was giving me a smile I do not entirely trust, I would not take that statement at face value. However, I can say that the Hero of Ferelden is definitely a most capable lady. I only met her briefly, but she certainly had a profound impact wherever she went, and Josephine assures me she has been an excellent queen for Ferelden.

I will pray to Andraste for your safe return. You will have to tell me which elven god that would fall under so next time (I hope there isn’t a next time), I can make a polite request to them as well.

Cullen Rutherford

\---

_Commander,_

_Why Cullen, you really are worried about me!_

_I apologize, I shouldn’t tease you, but I am flattered to know you were worried. I’d like to say it was all unnecessary, but Redcliffe seems to be a rather perilous place at the moment. It definitely must be dealt with. I am making my way back to Haven now as quickly as possible so we can plan our next move._

_While there was danger, I came out of it just fine. There was a disturbing bit where we encountered a rift inside the Chantry (it was like the one outside the village with the strange pockets of slowed time). However, I am now safe as you will be able to see for yourself soon._

_I am bringing a mage back with me. His name is Dorian Pavus. He’s handsome, intelligent, charming and very skilled. He also knows Magister Alexius (the one who’s now leading--or perhaps I should say enslaving--the mages at Redcliffe). He volunteered his knowledge to us in the hope we’ll be able to stop Alexius. I have a feeling you won’t like him. He is a Tevinter mage after all, but he really is here to help so be polite. Please? For me?_

_Not that I have any right to ask that of you._

_Myrlana Lavellan_

_P.S. I nearly forgot to answer your question. Mythal is the goddess of protection. My people pray to her if we wish someone to be sheltered from harm. I’m not sure how she would feel hearing from a shemlen, but it would be kind of you to try._

_P.P.S. You met the Hero of Ferelden? I shall have to get that story out of you someday._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana gets a glimpse of the future.

Lady Lavellan,

While I know my efforts will be useless, I must plead with you again to stop. This plan to confront that magister is madness! Leliana may think she knows a way in for her agents, but that doesn’t mean you won’t encounter more than even you can handle! This magister wants you to come to him and not so he can invite you to tea.

Thedas cannot afford to lose you. You have the power to close the rifts and eventually the Breach itself. And you also have the will to make a difference. Do not deprive us of that, my lady. I truly believe this Inquisition would crumble without you.

So please, please reconsider. There must be another way…

Please.

Cullen

\---

_Commander,_

_I can’t. You know I can’t. I can’t leave Alexius to play with this time magic unchecked. The world already teeters on the brink; he could push it over that edge and into the abyss. I can’t turn my back on that. I’m sorry._

_I can promise that I won’t be stupid about this. Believe me, I am not eager for Falon’din to lead me to my final rest. I will be cautious, but I will also see this to its end._

_I will return to Haven, Cullen._

_Myrlana_

\---

Lady Lavellan,

I knew my pleas would be in vain and part of me is glad they are because I understand your reasons and that what you do is necessary. So I will just say this:

Andraste guide you. Mythal preserve you.

Cullen

\---

_Commander,_

_Please tell me, you’re still there, right? Everything is fine in Haven? You’re well, Cullen?_

_I will put together a full report later, but for now, I just need to know everything is alright, that none of it happened. That I can still make a difference._

_I’m sorry, I know this is cryptic, but I’m still having trouble processing everything that happened at Redcliffe Castle. I have to put on a strong front for everyone here, but the truth is that I saw people die. People I know. People I’ve come to care about. And the only one that shared it with me is Dorian, and to him they were strangers._

_So please, just tell me you’re there._

_I am coming back to Haven. King Alistair has evicted the mages from Redcliffe, and I offered them alliance and refuge with the Inquisition. Part of me wanted to lock them all back in their towers after what happened here, but I know that I can’t really blame them. They were desperate, and we cannot answer oppression with oppression then expect a different result. Fear of magic only creates an environment where atrocities can thrive._

_I hope you won’t hate me for this decision especially after you hear the whole story, but I believe it is the best choice. Anyway, it is done now. We have the help we will need to close the Breach._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. Thank you for your words in your last message. I thought of them often, and it helped to know that someone wished so fervently for my return._

\---

_Commander Cullen,_

_Scout Harding reports that the Avvar here in the Fallow Mire that attacked and captured the Inquisition forces are seeking a confrontation with the Herald of Andraste (something about pitting their god against mine). Another example for you of me putting those around me in danger, it seems. I swear I will do my utmost to untangle this situation and bring your men back._

_This place is overrun with undead and plague. There is nothing we can do for the civilians, unfortunately. They are all either gone or already dead._

_I will report once I know more about the situation with the Avvar._

_Sincerely,  
Myrlana Lavellan_

\--

Lady Lavellan,

I must apologize to you, and I regret that I must do so in writing rather than in person. Please forgive me for my temper and surliness while you were in Haven. I want you to know that I am not angry with you. I may not have agreed with your decision about the mages, but I respect it. I respect you. I understand that your options were limited and that you made the best of a terrible situation. I am behind you wholeheartedly. Please believe that.

And be safe in the Mire.

I hope we can talk when you return so I can apologize properly, my lady.

Cullen

\---

_Commander,_

_Oh, thank the Creators! I thought you would never forgive me and would scowl at me forever! You barely spoke to me at all while I was at Haven, and you weren’t around to see me off when I left for the Fallow Mire. It is such a relief to know that you do not hate me for my decision._

_I know the mages can be dangerous, but so can anyone. And I’m glad we do have a few Templars around as a safeguard. The Dalish only allow a few mages in any clan because we understand just as well as anyone that magic is dangerous._

_Your letter was the first good thing to happen to me since we arrived in this awful swamp. Honestly, this place has me thinking fondly of the Storm Coast. At least there it was just wet. Here it is wet and scummy and everything smells like rotting corpses. Even me. Probably especially me considering how many of those rotting corpses have attacked us. Do you think I can convince Mater Harritt to craft me a whole new set of armor and a new axe as well? The armor especially. I am certain I will never wish to wear this set again after this. The smell will never come out of the leather. Vivienne shares my sentiments. I believe we may have bonded over our disgust with this place. Or perhaps not. I find it hard to tell with our dear Iron Lady._

_We’ve been attacked by a few Avvar so far, and they are definitely fearsome warriors. Mostly they seem to be holed up in the keep here waiting for me to come challenge them. We did meet one Avvar that didn’t attack us. He was standing guard at a rift and helped us battle the demons before I closed it. At first I thought this was a hopeful sign that I could end this without too much bloodshed, but this Avvar seemed to believe the leader of this group would be unwilling to back down._

_All in all, I am very much looking forward to being done here and returning to Haven. And we can certainly have that chat though there is no need for you to apologize further. I have already forgiven you for being angry with me. I knew my decision would likely make you angry when I made it so I have no right to complain._

_Myrlana Lavellan_

_P.S. What is this “my lady” you’re calling me? I warn you, Commander, I put up with you addressing these missives to Lady Lavellan, but calling me “my lady” is another matter entirely. I do have a name, you know._

\---

Lady Lavellan,

I am sincerely sorry that I caused you any doubt or pain because of my behavior.

I asked Lady Montilyet about the Avvar, but she says she does not know much of their culture. In Ferelden we either described them as “fearsome warriors” or “brutish barbarians” depending on the context so I’m afraid I cannot provide any insight into what they may be thinking.

Preparations to close the Breach continue. Solas has been working with the mages on their role. I am glad you took Vivienne with you. She may be miserable in the swamp, but I imagine sparks, literal ones, would fly if she were here to listen to an apostate taking charge of the mages.

While I’m sure you are quite miserable in your swamp, things are not necessarily much better here. With the influx of mages, we have run out of places to house everyone so all the buildings are cramped. Tempers are running high. Especially Cassandra’s. For some reason the mages keep going to her with all their squabbles. I cannot understand why since she just grits her teeth and growls at them. Eventually she’ll hit one with her sword. She, at least, would have preferred the swamp. I think she is preparing to yell at you for putting her in this position actually. Something for you to look forward to on your return?

I do sympathize with your dire circumstances, however, especially since you dislike the wet so much. I promise that while Haven may be crowded, we will find a nice warm, dry corner for you when you return.

I look forward to seeing you again, my lady.

Cullen

P.S. While you may not see it, you are a lady. It would be disrespectful of me to deny you that title even though you were not born to nobility. You are far more worthy than most nobles I have ever met.

\---

_Commander,_

_That is a dirty trick, ser! Using charm to deflect my arguments! How can I possibly refuse you now? Part of me still thinks that you only call me “my lady” because you have forgotten my name, however, and so, because I am naturally kind and forgiving, I will remind you. It is Myrlana. You are welcome to use it._

_As you may have guessed, I am in a fine mood today. First, we are leaving the Fallow Mire at last! In fact, we have already left the worst of the swamps so we no longer have to fight corpses every time we step in a puddle. But even more importantly, I was able to rescue our soldiers! I had to kill the Avvar leader in order to free them, but we prevailed, and so I will return to Haven victorious!_

_The thought of closing the Breach has me nervous, however. I know the mages will probably be ready for the attempt by the time I return, and I also wish to proceed as soon as possible. But I can’t help but wonder what happens if I fail? Sometimes I feel as if all I am to anyone anymore is a glowing green mark. What happens if I can’t even be that for them? And then there is this Elder One Alexius spoke of. Who is he? How does he fit into everything? If we close the Breach, will he retaliate? That future I saw, it was so bleak, Cullen. I can’t allow that future to come true. And so I am anxious._

_But enough of gloom! Today is a good day! Even if it is still raining. Is there any way you could manage to have a hot bath waiting for me when I return along with the warm, dry corner? I would be forever grateful. So would everyone else, I’m sure. I was not joking about the stench of rotting corpse._

_Myrlana  
(my name again, in case you forgot already)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really enjoyed writing this whole section. It has everything: Cullen being concerned, Myrlana dealing with the emotional trauma of In Hushed Whispers, Myrlana convinced Cullen hates her because of her decision regarding the mages, some flirting... Everything!
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading it ^_^


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana journeys to meet with a Grey Warden, and Cullen offers to teach her how to swim.

Inquisitor,

I know you are on the road to Crestwood to meet with Hawke’s Warden friend, but Leliana just received a message from Scout Harding that I wanted to warn you about.

Harding says that Crestwood is experiencing an unseasonable amount of rain currently, and the storms don’t seem to be letting up. Try not to decapitate anyone just because you’re soaked. Decapitations should be reserved for only those that truly deserve it. It seems the wet weather there may be linked to a large rift that opened beneath the lake’s surface. The rift is also causing undead to rise. Considering how much you enjoyed your time in the Fallow Mire, I’m confident that Crestwood will also keep you entertained.

I apologize if I seem to be making light of the situation. It helps keep the worry at bay. Please, be cautious in Crestwood. Both with the rift and in regards to the Wardens. We almost lost you at Haven. It would be unbearable for something like that to happen again.

When you return, Josephine promises that you will have chambers ready that are fit for your new status as Inquisitor. The entirety of Skyhold is undergoing renovation. It is quite impressive to see all these people coming together to try to make this Inquisition into a truly formidable force despite or perhaps even because of what Corypheus did to us at Haven. You have truly inspired them.

Good luck on your journey, my lady.

Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_This is unacceptable. I thought we established long ago that you needn’t address your letters to me using some title? Just because I have a new one, does not mean the rules change. In fact, it only makes it more important to me. Now that I’m saddled with both Herald of Andraste and Inquisitor, I need people around me who don’t just see me for my lofty position. I had hoped I could count on you for that. Please, Cullen? It truly is important to me. I’ve even set the example with my own greeting. I hope you can follow it._

_Oh dear, I did not want to hear about the undead. This armor is new and wonderfully shiny. I do not want to muck it up with mud and corpse guts on my first outing. If I close the rift, do you think the sun will come out? I can hope. Of course, I’m not sure how to close a rift in the middle of a lake. I’m not a very good swimmer. Climbing trees and rocks? That I can do. Swim? I can probably keep myself from drowning. Only probably though. Not in heavy armor though. And I need heavy armor to battle a rift. I’ll just have to hope someone there has a brilliant idea._

_Oh fenedhis! Sera just pointed out storm clouds on the road several miles from our current camp. It appears we are almost to our destination. Time to break camp. I really do hate being wet. I don’t care what’s going on in the world, the next place I’m traveling for the Inquisition will be warm and dry or I will resign my post. Someone else can have the anchor._

_You should tell Josephine that I do not need fancy rooms. It is far more important that everyone has a place to sleep beneath a roof than that I have a luxurious suite to rival an Orlesian palace. I’m sure she won’t listen to you, but please make the attempt anyway. As a favor to me. Ma serannas._

_Myrlana_

\---

Inquisitor,

You are the Inquisitor now, and I am your general. It would not be appropriate for me to ignore that. But I assure you, I see you as more than just your title. I should hope that would be obvious. In many ways that makes it more important that I remember that you are the Inquisitor. You are not like other women, my lady, and never would be even if you had never become Inquisitor.

You are not a good swimmer? I would have assumed you would be proficient at it as a hunter for you clan, but I suppose not even you can be good at everything. Your point about swimming in armor is well-taken, however. One would tend to sink like stone. I myself am an excellent swimmer (I told you about the lake near Honnleath where I grew up, yes?) and if you would ever like a lesson, I would be willing to oblige. We would leave the armor behind.

Oh Maker, that sounded like some sort of proposition, didn’t it? Please forgive me. And whatever you do, do not show this letter to anyone! Especially not Varric. That dwarf gossips worse than anyone else I’ve ever met.

As for the rift, might I suggest a boat? They are a quite clever means of water travel.

I wouldn’t be too quick to stop Josephine’s determination to provide you suitable quarters. After all, the plans call for you to have a private bath. While I realize you dislike getting wet on most occasions, surely a hot bath after you return from a long, and likely muddy and corpse-filled, excursion can only be welcome?

The Inquisition’s new arcanist arrived yesterday. She is...lively. I’m certainly glad that her workshop is far from my own office. Her enthusiasm for explosions is rather unnerving. She is eager to meet you when you return. Brace yourself for a flood of questions and several attempts by her to experiment on you. She managed to corner Solas for over an hour, asking him endless questions about the anchor. He seemed torn between fascination and exasperation.

Even with our new addition, Skyhold seems quiet with you away, like the whole Inquisition is holding its breath. When Josephine, Leliana and I meet to plan now, our most common phrase is “When the Inquisitor returns…”

This letter has become longer than I planned. I suppose I have gotten used to sharing my thoughts with you these past weeks at Skyhold. But Leliana’s messenger is here saying she will be sending off the messenger ravens to you soon.

I pray for your success in Crestwood and your safe return.

Cullen

P.S. I asked Solas what “fenedhis” means, and he just raised an eyebrow and gave me a look like a disapproving tutor. I hope you’re happy.

\---

_Cullen,_

_I suppose I cannot force you to call me by my name, but know this, Commander, I am a stubborn woman and will not leave this alone. Someday I will receive one of these letters, and it will be addressed to Myrlana, not Inquisitor, not Herald, not even that silly “Lady Lavellan” you used to call me. Myrlana. I will prevail!_

_Everyone seems to think I must be equally good at everything. Blackwall also seemed surprised that I didn’t know how to swim well. Sera, however, came in on my side, sort of. She said she can’t swim at all, but she has lived in cities her whole life so that makes sense. And her ignorance didn’t stop her from pantomiming what she thought I likely looked like trying to swim. Blackwall still hasn’t stopped chuckling over it. Granted, it was an entertaining bit, but not that funny. I would very much like to take you up on your offer of lessons. But only if we go far from Skyhold for them. Any local bodies of water would be far too cold. You probably wouldn’t survive my bad mood if I got dunked in icy water._

_Fortunately, my water skills did not require testing. I didn’t even need to use a boat (you think you’re very witty, don’t you?). We drained the lake. And it was not as easy as it sounds, let me tell you! We had to oust a group of bandits from a keep, make our way through the ruin of Old Crestwood, then battle through demons in an underground passage to reach the rift. However, it was all worth it, because when the rift closed, the sun really did come out! I am almost dried out! I still have corpse guts on my new armor, but that seems almost trivial with the sunshine and singing birds. And this place has some of the most gorgeous wildflowers in Thedas._

_We met a spirit of Command in the old village, and I killed a rage demon on its order so it could return to the Fade. Poor Cole wanted to help so badly, but the spirit just dismissed his attempts then ignored him completely. He looked so much like a kicked puppy that I bought him a new hat in the village. It’s just as floppy and ridiculous as his old one, but it has fewer holes so I still count it as an improvement._

_I’ve told the village that the Inquisition will be claiming the keep I took from the bandits. I’m sure you’ll want to send soldiers to hold it. Leliana already sent me a message (how does she know?) telling me she will be placing agents there as a sort of secondary hub for her communications. It has been nice to sleep someplace with a real roof instead of a tent._

_We saw another dragon. She flew right over us as we were crossing the bridge from the keep to the lake’s dam. Luckily she didn’t take any interest in us. Dorian dived for cover the moment we caught sight of her and Sera and Blackwall have been teasing him about it ever since. I can’t say I blame him though. I probably would have done the same except I’m supposed to be the fearless Inquisitor, a brave inspiration to all who follow me._

_Tomorrow we go to meet with Hawke’s Warden friend._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. Don’t worry, Cullen, I’m sure Solas didn’t care that you asked him about the meaning of an elvish curse. Knowing him, he only disapproved because you butchered the pronunciation._

\---

Inquisitor,

In the event that you encounter any more dragons, I wholeheartedly approve of you diving for cover.

Inquisition soldiers are en route to this keep you acquired for us. It will be good to have a foothold in Ferelden. And I’m glad you’re enjoying the chance to rest beneath a roof. But aren’t the Dalish always on the move? I would think you’d be used to camping in the outdoors.

I am glad to hear you were able to close the rift in Crestwood and that things seem to be better for the villagers there now that you’ve halted the undead attacks and removed the bandits. It seems you literally bring sunshine wherever you go. I believe Josephine is trying to work that into the reports she sends to nobles to convince them they should lend the Inquisition their aid. The common folk seem to have taken up the idea enthusiastically anyway. I wouldn’t be surprised if someone started calling you Lady of the Sun or some such soon.

Cassandra and myself have made a few inquiries on your behalf to some combat specialists. We thought with your new position and the great threat that Corypheus poses, you might wish to learn a discipline that would further enhance your combat abilities. I must admit, it would relieve me greatly to know you have some extra tricks up your sleeve. I hope we did not act out of turn, my lady. Three trainers will likely be here when you arrive back from Crestwood or shortly after.

Josephine has finished the renovations to your chambers, and Madame Vivienne wishes to confer with you on your return about procuring better furnishings. Work on the rest of Skyhold continues. There are scaffolds everywhere. Fortunately, there have been only a few injuries so far.

We also continue to attract pilgrims from nearby regions many of which stay to help the Inquisition in whatever capacity they can. It is quite inspiring. They have all heard tales of what you did at Haven and wish to do their own part to aid you. Cassandra and Leliana may be responsible for creating the Inquisition, but none of us would be here without you. I know you don’t believe that there was any divine intervention in what happened, but I must admit I do. I am sorry if that bothers you, but it is the truth.

When you return, I would like to speak to you regarding Samson. I believe I may have some information that could lead us to him, but I would like to go over it with you to decide our best course of action.

Cullen

\---

 

_Cullen,_

_I absolutely forbid you to start calling me “Your Worship” like some people do. I say this now because I can tell you’re on the verge of it. I shall forgive you your fantasy that I am some chosen of Andraste (though I still can’t understand why anyone would think she would choose me. Surely there was an Andrastian at the Conclave that would have been able to fill the role, no need to pick the Dalish woman sent to spy on the shemlen), and I can even forgive your refusal to call me by name though I won’t give up trying. But if you call me “Your Worship”, I swear I shall do something unpleasant to you. I’ll get Sera to come up with ideas. I will lead the Inquisition, but I want people to follow because what we do is right, not because I’m some demigoddess. Corypheus wants to make himself a god, and I refuse to become anything like him. Honestly, Cullen, I don’t want anyone to worship me, least of all you._

_I met with Hawke’s Warden friend Stroud. His news regarding the Grey Wardens is troubling. Apparently they have all gone mad and are planning to invade the deep roads to kill the last archdemons before they can awaken and cause more Blights. Why now? Because they all believe they’re dying. They are all hearing something Stroud referred to as the Calling, which is what tells a Grey Warden he is dying and it’s time to make some final assault on the darkspawn before corruption claims him. The “how” of the Wardens’ plan is just as worrying. Warden-Commander Clarel plans to use blood magic to raise a demon army. Stroud does not agree with Warden-Commander Clarel’s plan, and when Hawke told him of Corypheus, he began to fear a link between him and the Calling. Warden Stroud has gone to investigate a Tevinter ritual tower in the Western Approach where he believes the Wardens may be up to something. I plan to join him there if his suspicions are confirmed and there is something happening there. I suppose this could be the explanation of the demon army I heard about in the future I saw in Redcliffe. Dread wolf take the Wardens! How could they be so stupid?_

_Sometimes I wonder if we really can win against Corypheus. I may have this anchor on my hand, but Corypheus has an army of templars corrupted by red lyrium, and it seems he can manipulate the Wardens into believing that raising demons is a good idea! All those pilgrims you told me about, all the Inquisition’s people have such faith in me, but what am I next to an ancient magister? I will fight regardless of the odds, but sometimes hope is hard to find._

_Of course, Varric and Hawke have been a wonderful distraction from such dark thoughts. When I don’t want to strangle them both anyway. Their friendship is obviously incredibly strong. Of course, they both have similarly questionable senses of humor. You knew Hawke in Kirkwall, yes? Was she always so...irreverent? Varric just eggs her on until you don’t know whether to laugh until you cry or just try to convince everyone that you have nothing to do with the two of them so they’ll spare you when the lynch mob comes. It has made our journey back lively, however._

_I envy their friendship. It seems so effortless and yet so powerful. Love is certainly incredible that way._

_Wistfully,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. We should be leaving Crestwood tomorrow. We were going to leave today, but we got tied up dealing with the mayor’s disappearance from the village. We learned he flooded Old Crestwood himself and blamed the darkspawn. He killed refugees and villagers alike in the hopes of stopping the spread of the Blight’s corruption. He fled before I could confront him. Creators, what a mess._

 

Inquisitor,

It is good to hear you will be returning to Skyhold. I’m afraid Josephine, Leliana and I have several items that require your attention as well as your decision. I look forward to getting your input.

And my lady, you do have friends here. Perhaps you have not know any of us as long as Varric and Hawke have known each other, but I know that there are many whose lives you have touched that care about you and would have your back whatever the fight. Believe that. And do not despair. We will find a way to stop the Wardens’ mad plan just as we will find a way to ultimately stop Corypheus as well. You may be Inquisitor, but there are people at your side. Let us lend you our strength and do not despair.

In answer to your question about Hawke: yes, she was always like that. I remember I used to brace myself every time I saw her enter Kirkwall’s Gallows. She has a nose for trouble, and she really does have an awful sense of humor.

I apologize for this brief note, but I am joining one of the squads patrolling the road to Skyhold today and must be off.

I look forward to your return. And remember, you are not alone in this.

Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! I'm really liking that this fic is allowing me to get into some of those little personal details about the characters that never come up in the game.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana goes off to fight a dragon and Cullen swears.

_Cullen,_

_Did I do the right thing? Judging Alexius as I did? Cole seemed upset that I decided to lock him away, and Dorian is obviously hurt over the whole situation though he did thank me for not killing his former mentor. Thanked me! For not killing someone! How can I wield this power over people’s lives, Cullen? I condemned a man to sit in a cell for the rest of his life. I thought about doing something else, allowing him to do research for the Inquisition, under supervision, of course, but then I thought of what I saw. I remembered watching Cassandra and Varric and Leliana die because of what he did. And while they are still alive, while I was able to prevent that future, I could never forget it. Or forgive it. I suppose that is my flaw. But it makes me question if I really ought to have that power of life and death over people._

_I also wanted to say thank you for the chess game yesterday. That was nice. Wonderful even. It’s not often I get to relax and just chat and play a game with someone only because I enjoy their company, no other motive. And I think that is doubly true for you; you work too hard. I loved hearing about your family as well. Although I admit, it made me a little homesick. I know my clan’s keeper writes sometimes, but it’s not the same as knowing about what scrapes my fellow hunters have gotten into, or listening to one of the hahren telling stories to the children, or just lying in the sunlit grass listening to the simultaneous silence and cacophony of nature._

_Ah forgive me, I suppose I’m more than just a little homesick. Perhaps it is because I’ve just left Skyhold behind this morning. I admit I have come to think of the Inquisition, or more specifically the people of the Inquisition, as my family. To the Dalish, places are not home, people are. I suppose homesickness must be why I’m writing to you when I’ve only just left and have nothing at all to report besides my thoughts._

_But back to the task at hand. I shall hopefully return to Skyhold soon. In the meantime, wish me luck slaying the dragon._

_Myrlana_

\---

Inquisitor,

 _That’s_ where you went?

When Leliana told me you’d left for Ferelden at dawn, I thought you had returned to Crestwood for something. Not gone to fight a _dragon_!

Maker’s breath, Myrlana! Be _careful_. Please.

Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_You wrote my name! Yes, you still addressed your note to me as “Inquisitor”, but you wrote my _name_. You’ve never done that before. I knew I would get you to eventually. A victory indeed for the mighty Inquisitor!_

_And you worry too much (though considering your worry meant you finally used my name, I am not complaining. Perhaps you ought to worry more). I have Bull with me. Once Bull heard the word “dragon”, I knew I’d have to tie him up to prevent him from coming. Honestly, I would have if I thought it was necessary, except he’d probably enjoy it too much. And of course I also brought Cassandra; she’s from a family of dragon hunters after all. Vivienne also insisted on coming since she is the best at ice spells. So you see, I am prepared. I will be fine._

_You called me by my name, Cullen. I hope you will again._

_Myrlana_

\---

Inquisitor,

I apologize for my reaction, my lady. I know you can take care of yourself. I trust your judgment and your skill. But you’re right, I do worry about you. And not just as the Inquisitor. I think, I hope, you understand that. If you were to be seriously injured… Please, I know you are capable, but please be cautious against the dragon.

I also apologize for not answering the thoughts you expressed in your earlier letter. I was a little hasty due to my concern.

But let me assure you, I respect your decisions, whether it be the judgment you made of Alexius or any of the others you have made for the Inquisition. You have proven yourself worthy of the power of Inquisitor many times. If you have any doubt, just think of what you did at Haven, what you were willing to sacrifice so that others might survive. Believe me, my lady, I cannot believe I will ever view a decision you make with distrust. If I do, it will be because you have changed so entirely that you are no longer the Inquisitor I chose to follow.

I too enjoyed our chess game and not just because you don’t cheat like Dorian does. It was wonderful to spend time speaking about things unrelated to the Inquisition. It reminds me what we are fighting for. I also simply enjoy your company, my lady. I hope you will join me for more games. Perhaps next time you might tell me more of where you came from. I would like to get to know the people you care about, even if it’s only through your descriptions. I am happy to hear that Skyhold and the Inquisition have become a second home to you, but I would very much like to hear about your first home, the people that made you _you_.

I will pray for you safety and your swift return. May Andruil guide your hunt and may Andraste preserve you.

And please send a raven once the dragon is dead. I will fear the worst until I know better.

Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I see you’ve been talking to Solas about the elven gods again. I appreciate the thought. I’m not sure how Andruil would feel about being in the same prayer as Andraste, but perhaps she would be alright with it. Andraste was a courageous woman by all accounts, and Andruil values the courageous._

_Thank you for your reassurances. I’m sure I will still have doubts, but I am relieved to know that you do not judge me for them._

_I must admit that returning to the crossroads near Redcliffe has shown to me that the Inquisition is doing great things. It makes me proud to be a part of it. The refugees are well-taken care of now. The ones that are still here anyway. Many have been able to return home now that the mages have be recruited by the Inquisition and the templars have been either rooted out or have left to join the rest of their order (admittedly, that part is less cheery, but at least they no longer plague the common people here). There are patrols on the roads keeping the bandits away and people are rebuilding. A group of villagers cheered when our party rode through this morning. Cheered! And a little girl brought me a crown she wove with wildflowers and told me I saved her Papa. I nearly started crying. I certainly put on the flower crown. It was quite well done actually._

_Tomorrow we tackle the dragon. Apparently she sank the ships of some dwarven merchants and is becoming a true threat to the region so it is good we arrived to deal with her. I promise to send word as soon as she has been defeated. I can’t have my general distracted with worry after all._

_Myrlana_

\---

Inquisitor,

Is everything all right, my lady? Leliana received reports from the scouts confirming that the dragon is dead, but there has been no word from you even though you promised. I have commandeered Leliana’s fastest bird for this message. Please reply immediately, Myrlana. We are all worried for you well-being.

Cullen

\---

_Commander Cullen,_

_The Inquisitor has insisted I write to you to tell you that she is just fine and would write herself except for a minor injury to her hands._

_In truth she sustained fairly serious injuries in the fight against the dragon though nothing life threatening. Her arms and part of her torso were badly burned, and she has several claw wounds as well. The burns are the worst of it. She was unconscious for most of the first day after the battle and has been sleeping most of the time since. This is why she did not report earlier._

_None of the rest of us are exactly unscathed, but the Inquisitor is definitely the worst off. This is entirely her own doing as she pushed Madame Vivienne out of the path of a fireball toward the end of the fight._

_I believe Vivienne has scolded her quite thoroughly over it since she still had some magical barrier to protect her at the time while the Inquisitor did not._

_We will make the journey back to Skyhold in a few days once the Herald is well enough to ride. Fortunately, there is a fine healer in the area that has been tending her wounds so her recovery should be swift._

_And you, Commander? Sister Leliana tells me you have not been sleeping much. Rest is incredibly important for you though I understand it may be difficult sometimes._

_Cassandra Pentaghast_

\---

Inquisitor,

Andraste’s flaming sword! What were you _thinking_? And don’t tell me that you are just fine! Cassandra reported your injuries to me, and Leliana received a report from the healer at the camp. Maker give me strength, I told you to be _careful_ , not step in front of flaming _fireballs_!

After not hearing from you for days, the first word I get is that you are gravely wounded!

Maker’s breath, woman, I felt my heart stop when I received that raven and saw it was from Cassandra and not you. I was sure you must have died.

I pray you recover quickly and return swiftly to Skyhold. Until I see you are well, I’m not sure I’ll be able to believe it.

Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I am having Cassandra write this since I still have bandages over my hands. They make writing rather difficult. This time, however, I am going to read the letter before she sends it so that I know she is only writing what I tell her to._

_We are on the road back to Skyhold now though we are taking it slow. Very slow. Agonizingly slow. The others are treating me as if I’m made of glass. Perhaps it’s my elven stature? I’ve had a few of those nobles Josephine has me meet describe me as “lithe and delicate”. But at least they had the excuse of seeing me only in Skyhold. Cassandra and Bull and Vivienne have all seen me in battle so you would think they would realize that while I may be shorter than they as well as slender, I am anything but fragile. I habitually swing around a battleaxe!_

_(I thought you should know that Cassandra is now glaring at me as she writes so I apologize for the blotches and badly written words. She is pressing down on the pen far too hard. Perhaps I should have dictated to Vivienne. I’m sure her penmanship is exquisite regardless of circumstance.)_

_I will admit that pushing Vivienne out of the way of that fire blast was not the most intelligent action I have ever taken. But in my defense, it was the middle of a battle against a dragon. I saw fire heading toward an ally, and I reacted. My brain only caught up once the battle was over and I finally felt the pain. I’ve always been the one to get in the thick of the fight so my friends can fight from a distance. I prefer to take the hits so they don’t have to. I am sorry that I worried you, but I can’t promise to never do it again. It’s just the way I am._

_Cassandra suggests that I learn to use a shield if I insist on throwing myself in danger. No chance of that. I am far too fond of my battleaxe. Bull understands. He likes big weapons too._

_By the Dread Wolf, I didn’t mean it that way! Cassandra is still writing. I think she’s taking her promise to write what I say so literally just to punish me._

_When I return, you will see that all your worry was for nothing._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. I’m rather disappointed that your most recent outburst didn’t result in you calling me by name. I’ve begun to get used to seeing my name in your letters. It would be a shame for that to end._

_P.P.S. Commander, please forgive the Inquisitor. She is not entirely herself at the moment. Between the healing herbs and her injuries, she is not always the most coherent. But she insisted I transcribe this letter for her. I do not mean to alarm you, however, for her wounds are healing well. It will just take time. (Cassandra Pentaghast)_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a super fun section to write! I especially enjoyed having Cullen lose it a bit.
> 
> In case anyone is interested, I've found [this](https://www.fanfiction.net/topic/95729/58880782/To-the-Void-with-That-Swearing-and-exclamations-in-Thedas) and [this](http://ageofdragon.tumblr.com/post/69748103553/a-guide-to-swearing-in-thedas) to be excellent places to get ideas for Thedas-style swearing. Cullen can't say "Maker's breath" _all_ the time after all.
> 
> I hope you enjoyed reading!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana and Cullen are incredibly sappy, and there's another dragon.

_Cullen,_

_Even though I know you will be at the gates to wish me well on my journey today, we will both have to put on our official personas. I wanted to say farewell to you as Myrlana to Cullen rather than the Inquisitor to her Commander. And so I’m leaving this note on your desk._

_I must admit I am loath to leave Skyhold today. Duty calls me away, but I just want to remain. I was briefly tempted to claim that one of my wounds from the dragon encounter was acting up, but I knew no one would believe it. Even you admitted I seemed fully healed when we sparred the other day._

_I wish I could tell you that I would see you soon, but the Western Approach is so far that I know it will be a long time before I return. We finally admit our feelings to each other only to face a long separation. It seems so unfair. But you are worth it._

_Take care of yourself while I’m away, Cullen. You looked so tired and worn when I returned from the Hinterlands. You work too hard. And I won’t be around to convince you to take breaks with me while I’m away. So please don’t lock yourself away in your office with reports all day. And get enough sleep._

_I hope you will think of me often while I’m away. You can be sure that you will certainly be on my mind._

_Farewell, vhenan  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I did not want to see you go myself. If there is one good thing I can say about your injuries, they kept you here and recuperating for longer than you usually stay. We have all become accustomed to your presence here, myself especially.

Of course I will think of you, my lady. I have always thought of you. Ever since I watched you close that rift at the temple. There you were, a Dalish elf, a prisoner. You had no reason to trust us, and yet you helped, risking yourself in the process. I will never forget that or any of the multitude of other things you have accomplished. And I will never forget you. So yes, when you think of me, you can be assured that I am also thinking of you.

Be safe, Myrlana. I know that is impossible but please try. I will not rest easy until you have returned. So come back to me.

Yours,  
Cullen

\--- 

_Cullen,_

_It seems a kiss was all it took to get you to use my name. If I’d known that, I would have tried it ages ago. I wanted to, you know. Creators help me, I did not believe a man could be as handsome as you. It very nearly made me tongue-tied when we first spoke. I had to keep reminding myself that there was a great big hole in the sky and anything else was insignificant next to that. It didn’t help much, but I hope I didn’t come across as starry-eyed as I fear I was._

_I am flattered to know I caught your attention so early, but please, don’t be too impressed with my actions that day at the Temple. The anchor was killing me, you know. Slowly growing until it would consume me. I was trying to save my own life as much as anything else. Not that I didn’t want to close that rift anyway, but I want you to know that I also just really wasn’t ready to die._

_I’m still not ready, especially not now when you are waiting for me to return. I hope Falon’Din has a long wait before he guides me to my final rest._

_I am glad this happened between us, Cullen. I feel stronger now than I was. My only worry is that doubt will worm itself into your mind while I’m away and convince you that that kiss (and the kisses that followed it) were a mistake, that it would be unwise for the Inquisition’s Commander to become involved with the Inquisitor. If you ever feel those doubts creeping in, Cullen, promise me you’ll tell me. I want the chance to argue my case if it comes to it._

_We shall reach the Western Approach soon. I will be relieved to finally reach our destination. I hope we won’t need to stay too long._

_I miss you,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. You still call me “my lady”. Was this secretly your way of showing affection all along? I begin to suspect it is. If so, I will stop scolding you for it._

\---

Myrlana,

I was tempted to write “Inquisitor”, but I know you have a good memory, and I am fairly certain I wouldn’t survive our next sparring match if I provoked you that way. But yes, that day on the battlements certainly taught me that all my efforts to separate myself from my feelings for you were in vain.

And you do not need to doubt my feelings. I care about you, Myrlana. As I assured you before, this is not a passing fancy of mine, and I’m sorry if I ever seem to have doubts. It’s been so long since I wanted someone, and to have that someone be you… But I would not change anything between us. You will not need to argue your case with me, my lady.

However, I would prefer that our affairs remain private. Unfortunately, that has already proved impossible. I suppose it’s my fault really, kissing you on the battlements as I did. And of course, that poor messenger that interrupted us. If there’s a single person in Skyhold that hasn’t had that kiss described to them in detail by now, I can’t imagine where they’ve been hiding.

Leliana and Josephine are the worst, however. Leliana makes allusions to you constantly. And believe me, our spymaster can be quite bawdy in her comments. Josephine likes to tease me by discussing the various noblemen that have expressed interest in you. “Oh Commander Cullen! What is your opinion of Baron Such-and-such? He admires the Herald greatly and his support would be a welcome addition to the Inquisition. Plus, he’s quite handsome. Perhaps I should encourage our dear Inquisitor to spend time with him when she returns? What do you think?” I admit, I snapped at her once. Of course, she only started laughing with Leliana giggling right alongside her. I hope you can knock some sense into them when you return.

Josephine did ask me to pass along that she has successfully obtained an invitation to the ball in Halamshiral. Apparently she convinced Grand Duke Gaspard that inviting the Inquisition could provide interesting opportunities for him. She also would like to know how your dancing is. I do not envy you there. As the Inquisitor, you will be on display when we go to the Winter Palace. Orlesian politics are uncomfortable at best and poisonous at worst. I am not looking forward to attending the ball myself, but you shall have to shoulder the worst of it, I fear.

I do admit, seeing you in Orlesian finery would be a treat, however. Unfair to the other ladies present, of course, but their disappointment means very little to me.

I continue to miss you more and more. Be well, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. As I told you before, Myrlana, you are a lady; I merely acknowledge fact. But I can’t say your natural nobility and my affection for you are unrelated. After all, it is your courage and strength and wisdom and kindness and beauty that combine to make you a lady, and those things are the same traits I find irresistible.

\---

_Cullen,_

_Fen’Harel’s teeth! How does news travel so quickly? I hadn’t been at the Inquisition camp here in the Approach more than a few minutes before Sout Harding managed to work your name into her report followed by a wink! And she isn’t the only one. All the soldiers here keep giving me looks, or they’ll suddenly go quiet when I approach, but they all have these smirks on their faces! The journey here was bad enough with Dorian smirking so hard I thought his face might split open and Blackwall, Sera, and Bull trying to outdo each other with dirty jokes (Dorian calls their efforts crude but then adds his own commentary that is really just as bad, the words are prettier though). Varric laughs with everyone else then muses loudly on how much “lion imagery” he should add to the book he eventually writes about me (I hope he’s joking about the book. He did write about Hawke though, so I’m afraid he’s totally serious). Solas mostly stays out of it, but I catch even him smiling at the antics of the others. At least they seem happy for us._

_Now that I think about it though, I am curious. Why do you have lion’s fur on your mantle? And your helm is in the shape of a lion as well. What’s the story there? I quite like the motif myself. I find it very dashing. My handsome lion._

_As for the teasing, I’m hoping everyone assumes that my blushes are actually just sunburn. It’s a plausible explanation considering how blistering the sun is here, but I doubt anyone is truly going to buy it. I’m sure I truly will have a sunburn before too long though. It’s a good thing you aren’t here considering how you dislike sweltering heat. I like heat and even I feel like I might bake inside my armor. I envy Dorian his mage robes; they are much cooler than anything a warrior can wear into battle._

_Josephine wants to know if I can dance? The answer is not at all or at least not the way she means. The Dalish have there own music and dances, but I doubt any of them will be featured in an Orlesian ballroom. It’s a shame really. I love to dance. Considering how snooty Orlesians are, I doubt their idea of dancing is nearly as fun. I must say that I am looking forward to seeing you decked out in formal attire myself. You may think you’ll be able to blend into the background, but as soon as the nobles lay eyes on you, I’m sure you’ll have a whole flock of hangers-on. Just know, I plan to have my axe handy. Just in case any of those hangers-on get too forward. I refuse to share you, Commander. I don’t fear anything you may do, Cullen--you have too much integrity--but I’m not sure the Orlesians will be able to resist you. I know I can’t._

_Yes, I do find you irresistible. The way you lead your soldiers, the way you expect the same honor from others that you show constantly, the way you struggle to understand the perspectives of others even when you don’t agree. And of course, the fact that you look like you walked straight out of one of Cassandra’s romance novels doesn’t hurt. And now I shall have to stop extolling your virtues. It makes me miss you too much._

_Scout Harding mentioned a fortress in the area that is under venatori control. I plan to try to take it away from them and make it an Inquisition outpost. There seem to be several pockets of venatori out here, in fact. There should be fewer of them soon though. We’re still a few days’ journey from where we will be meeting up with Stroud and Hawke. I will update you after we reach them._

_Missing you still,  
Myrlana_

\---

_Cullen,_

_I’m writing to you again so soon because I want to make sure you hear from me before any of the reports arrive. Yes, I fought another dragon. No, I did not get seriously injured this time. And I really do mean that. I am not just trying to reassure you. I have a few cuts and bruises (I was fighting a dragon after all, no one comes back from that unscathed), but truly, nothing serious. Bull was the most injured of the party and he’s already boasting about the scar he’ll have once is shoulder finishes healing. He asked me if I found it sexy. When I just rolled my eyes at him, he mused that maybe I’d think differently if the scar was on his lip. Everyone seemed to find that very funny. So it seems he’s just fine. I thought seriously about changing that, however._

_And the fighting the dragon meant I was able to recruit a scholar who studies them. He could be useful._

_I also led a raid on Gryphon Wing Fortress, the keep I told you about. The venatori have been cleared out though there were more of them than I thought. I know it’s a long way from Skyhold, but I think that will make it an especially valuable place for an Inquisition presence. Make sure whoever you send to be in charge here is ready for some hard work though. This will not be an easy posting._

_I will compile a more thorough report on everything here after we’ve investigated the Tevinter ritual tower._

_Now please stop worrying about me. I just know that as you read this there is a furrow in your brow and a frown on your face. Stop that. I really am just fine, vhenan. I promise._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

By Andraste’s flaming sword, you will be the death of me, Myrlana! I will take your word that you are well, but I do wish you would _try_ to avoid dragons. From what I understand from the notes you included from that scholar you met, you actually _baited_ the thing! I do remember asking you to be careful while you were away, but perhaps my arguments are better made in person once you’ve returned.

Arcanist Dagna would like to know if you can bring her back some scale and bone samples. She has an idea, Maker help us all. Has she been encouraging your recklessness? I do notice you spend a great deal of time speaking with her when you’re at Skyhold. She seems rather excited by this scholar you picked up and is compiling a very large list of questions about dragons she wants to ask. I fear she may ask us to bring her a live dragon one of these days if people continue to encourage these projects of hers. And even more I fear that you will actually attempt to bring her one.

I have been thinking about who to send to Griffon Wing, and I believe it will be Captain Rylen. He’s capable and hard-working, and I think he’ll be able to keep things running there no matter what problems crop up. I feel a little guilty rewarding his excellent service by giving him a more difficult posting, but he will be the best man for the job.

I hope your investigation of the Wardens goes well though considering what we’ve learned so far, I fear that anything you learn will not be good news to us. But good luck nonetheless.

And if you see any more dragons, please ride the _other_ way. For me?

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. I have thought about asking someone here what “vhenan” means, but I decided against it. These letters are for us. We may not be able to keep much secret, but I can at least keep your words to me to myself. So I shall ask you, what does vhenan mean?

\---

_Cullen,_

_Perhaps I will keep the meaning of vhenan secret from you. Maintain my “elven mystery” (Varric used that phrase once; I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean). I am glad you didn’t ask anyone else what it meant though. It feels rather wonderful to have these letters to ourselves._

_Wait, Leliana doesn’t read these does she? Leliana, if you are reading this, I command you to stop. There, now we can know we are alone._

_There were no dragons today, Cullen, just demons. I would have preferred a dragon, honestly. At least their intentions are not evil. Destructive, yes, but not evil. Not like what we encountered at the tower. A Tevinter mage was there with several Wardens. They were performing blood magic, spilling the blood of one of their own so they could bind a demon. And worst of all, the Warden mages were in thrall to the Tevinter man, the “advisor” Stroud told us about._

_At least now I can come home. I may like sun and warmth, but this place has too much of them even for me. And there are too many demons and worries. And, most importantly, this place is too far from you. So I am very much relieved that while there is more to do regarding the Wardens, preparations will take time. Stroud will be scouting out Adamant Fortress while I return to Skyhold so we can plan our assault. I set out at dawn on the long journey back to the mountains._

_It is very sad to see the Wardens as they are now. Even among the Dalish we have tales of the heroism and unshakeable devotion to duty of the Grey Wardens. A Dalish clan even helped the Hero of Ferelden against the darkspawn in Denerim. Not my clan, but I got to hear all about it from one of the ones that was there during the last Arlathvhen. But now they are manipulated and controlled by a blighted creature, a thing they should fight with everything they have. I hope we can end this before the Wardens destroy everything they stand for, but I’m not sure if there will be anything left of them to salvage._

_But I will try not to dwell on dark thoughts, not yet. The time will come for me to make decisions, but right now, I will choose instead to think of you, my lion, and that will give me how. And so, in the end, I will tell you what vhenan means. I’ve never been very good at being mysterious. And I want you to know how I regard you, Cullen. It means “heart”. There. That is what you are to me, vhenan._

_Creators, I hope Leliana really doesn’t read these._

_I will return to you, vhenan  
Myrlana_

_P.S. You wish to present your arguments regarding my supposed lack of caution to me in person, hmmm? Something to look forward to._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, they kissed. And now we have a couple of sappy love birds to put up with. Maker help us. Luckily, they're kind of adorable (at least I think so). I hope you enjoyed!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana takes a detour to the Exalted Plains, and Cullen talks about his helm.

Myrlana,

I wish to tell you what your words meant to me, my lady, but I believe I will wait until I see you again. But thank you. If I am your heart, it is only because you are mine.

And now I have business to discuss before I get distracted. Josephine wished me to pass on some information to you. She has received word from one of her diplomats in the Free Marches, Lady Guinevere Volant. She is currently in the city of Wycome. I’ve enclosed a copy of Lady Guinevere’s letter for you as well. Josephine wanted you to know what was happening as soon as possible since the Lavellan clan is camped near Wycome, and we all know anything that happens there could have repercussions for them. Please know that we stand ready to follow whatever decision you make. Currently, I do not believe that this situation calls for force, but it will need to be handled carefully. I’m sure Leliana and Josephine will be sending you their own reports and recommendations to consider. We will work this out, I’m sure of it.

If my calculations are correct, you should be returning to Skyhold in another couple of weeks, perhaps even a bit sooner. It seems like an eternity to wait, but it is also a relief to know that each day brings you closer.

I believe I envy you at the moment, however. The reports have been piling up recently. It seems problems have been cropping up everywhere and everyone wants the Inquisition to solve them. Either that or they want a favor in return for support. Or some other machination that we must keep a handle on. It makes my head spin some days. Others it just makes my head hurt. The piles of reports just seem to get taller every day. I would much rather be out doing rather than holed up in my office. Lest you worry too much, know that I do get away some days to join a patrol or help train the recruits. And every day I take a walk on the battlements. I admit I’ve become rather fond of a certain spot…

Now back to my reports. I only have to endure this for a little longer and then you’ll be back. And you’ll have a stack of reports of your own to greet you.

Safe journey, my lady  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Unfortunately, I have to disappoint you. I will be a little delayed in my return to Skyhold. We’ve stopped in the Exalted Plains. There’s a favor I agreed to do for Solas. Hopefully, I won’t be delayed long._

_I would so much rather be returning directly to Skyhold, even with those stacks of dull reports you’re threatening me with. Solas was insistent, and I owe him a great deal. He has been a friend through all of this. I wish to repay him for that friendship in some small part. I am also curious to visit the Exalted Plains as well. I’ve heard so many stories of what happened there. I’m sure it will not be the most pleasant experience for me to see a place of so much death for my people_

_Does it ever bother you, Cullen, that I’m not Andrastian? That I believe the Chantry has done great harm to both my people and the elves that live amongst the humans? There are still moments, many of them, when I can’t believe that you and the others all made me your Inquisitor, and there are other moments when I wonder how I came to care so deeply for you, Cullen. But it doesn’t bother me that you’re Andrastian, that you’re devout. I know you are a good man, vhenan, and in the end, that is what matters. Maybe others of the Dalish would disagree with me, but I remember that Andraste wanted to help the elves. It was the selfish acts of others that tainted her legacy._

_Thank you for telling me about Wycome. I’ll admit I’m worried for my clan. I’ve sent a message to Keeper Istimaethoriel asking her to leave the area, but I doubt she will act on my warnings. There isn’t really anywhere for the to go right now either. I hope the Inquisition can protect them. Mythal shelter them from harm._

_I’m sorry to make you wait longer for my return. I miss you too. I wish sometimes that I could just live for myself, but I suppose what we are doing is too important. And so all I can say is that I will return as soon as I’m able and that I still think of you more than I should, vhenan._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. By the way, I’m still curious about your lion mantle and helm. Is there a story behind it? I would love to know._

\---

Myrlana,

I can’t say I was pleased to hear you would be away even longer. I hope Inquisition business never takes you so far away again, but I understand. You take your responsibilities seriously, and I would not respect you so much if you were different. So I am disappointed, but I understand.

And no, it doesn’t bother me that you do not believe in the Chantry and the Maker. You’re right that the welfare of elves have never been a priority for the Chantry and that has led to a great deal of tragedy. I’ve come to respect the Dalish. Your people hold their beliefs honestly, and that is a virtue. Besides, being Dalish is part of who you are, Myrlana, and I would not change you for anything.

It shames me to admit that not too long ago I probably would have felt differently. Back then the Templar Order was my whole world, and I clung to its certainty. There was comfort in that certainty, but it was a false comfort. Questions of right and wrong still exist even when we refuse to ask them. I haven’t answered all those questions yet, but at least I’m trying now. The Inquisition has given me the chance to try.

Life at Skyhold continues the same. Josephine is still planning wardrobes for the ball at Halamshiral, but she refuses to discuss her plans with me. I fear what ridiculous frippery she will force us all to wear. I don’t see why I cannot just wear armor. I am a warrior after all, armor would seem more appropriate than court garb.

As for the lion helm and the surcoat… It began with a whim. I had just decided to take Cassandra’s offer to lead the armed forces of the Inquisition if it came to it so I left my Templar armor behind. As I was walking through Hightown on my way to meet with Cassandra, I saw the lion helm displayed at an armorer’s shop. I admit it’s a show piece, but it’s also very much a practical helm as well. I was feeling rather bereft at having lost the Templar symbol I had worn for so long so I purchased the helm. When Leliana saw it she got one of those smiles, the one where you know she has a secret that involves you but you’ll never be brave enough to ask what. Two days later I found the mantle in my trunk. It seemed like too much at first, but I admit, I quite like them now. Especially when a certain lady calls me her handsome lion.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Varric is trying to read over my shoulder as I write today. Luckily, he’s a dwarf so it’s hard for him to read over anything. Ha! He just commented on my racist slur. I knew you were reading this, Varric. It serves you right! He still won’t leave though, stubborn durgen’len. So this letter has an audience._

_The Exalted Plains have been an interesting experience though not generally a pleasant one. Like everywhere else, this place is torn by conflict. The Orlesian civil war has certainly taken its toll here though they are now paused for the truce. That didn’t stop the violence, however. The Freemen of the Dales that you and Leliana have been reporting about have been very active here. And of course they aren’t satisfied with the usual depravities. No, they have been causing the dead to rise. I suppose it wasn’t too hard. There has been so much death here over the centuries, the Veil is very thin. (You should read that last bit in Solas’ voice. It seems like he commented on how thin the Veil is here every few minutes.) Exploiting the Veil’s weakness to create more death and chaos seems especially horrible, however._

_Besides, you know how I feel about getting bits of rotted corpse on my armor._

_There is also a Dalish clan roaming the area. We came across them yesterday. One of their hunters had heard of the Inquisition and that it was led by one of the People. He wanted to join us, but the Keeper forbade it until I convinced him that the Inquisition truly has all of Thedas in mind not just the interests of the shemlen. Part of me wanted to leave it alone, to tell that hunter to stay with his clan. He doesn’t know what he’s getting himself into. He can’t know until he actually faces the slurs and the discrimination. I never realized how sheltered the Dalish were. We all knew the stories, but since we avoided humans, we never really experienced what it’s like to be an elf in the human world. My position insulates me from much of what other elves face but not all of it, and I wanted to protect this hunter from that. But I didn’t. The Inquisition could use his skills. Besides, ultimately, it is his choice to make. I can’t take that away from him._

_Part of me also enjoyed convincing the Keeper of the worthiness of the Inquisition. It meant spending hours among the clan helping them with various tasks. It all felt so familiar and comfortable. Part of me wanted to just stay there with them. Go back to being simply Myrlana, hunter of clan Lavellan. But it was like you wrote, it was a false comfort that came from ignoring or denying the greater world and the questions in it. And so, at the end of the day, I left and remain what I have become. Inquisitor Lavellan._

_I like your story about the lion helm. You cast off the chains of your old identity and embraced a new one. It was very symbolic. Varric is making thoughtful noises as he reads that comment so I’m guessing he agrees. And since he is a “renowned” author, you can take his word for it._

_I have completed the favor Solas asked of me. We helped a spirit of his acquaintance that had been bound and manipulated by a group of mages here. The spirit did not survive the ordeal. Solas has gone off by himself to mourn. I hope he returns to the Inquisition once he’s had some time. I’ve rarely seen such grief. I felt so helpless, Cullen. I wanted to help my friend, but there was nothing I could do. Creators, I shouldn’t have made fun of him earlier. Mythal, comfort him please._

_But this does mean that I will be leaving this place and returning to Skyhold finally. It will be good to come home._

_Until I see you again,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. Ah vhenan, you should have heard Varric grumbling all evening about the lack of romance in my letter! As if I would write such things when I knew he was reading every word! I am alone now, however, so I can say this: I miss you with every breath. Seeing your face again will be like seeing the sun after weeks of clouds and rain._

_P.P.S. I know you were disappointed that I didn’t come straight back to Skyhold, but that is no reason not to take care of yourself, Cullen! You aren’t the only one that sends me letters, you know. Leliana says your aren’t sleeping enough. Please take care of yourself, ma vhenan. I don’t want to see you suffer._

\---

Myrlana,

I am glad to hear you are finally returning. By the time you see this it will be only a few days before you are back within these walls. Maker knows, you deserve the rest. And speaking of rest, Leliana is over-reacting. For a spymaster with a supposed heart of stone, she certainly worries about other people a lot. I admit I do not always sleep well, but you shouldn’t worry. I’m not the one who goes looking for dragons to fight, after all. I am sure I will sleep better once you are here again anyway.

We received our first report from Warden Stroud regarding Adamant Fortress. He doesn’t have much information for us yet, but the other Wardens are definitely there. I have begun to draw up possible plans to assault the fortress. Even Josephine agrees that this situation will not be resolved with negotiations especially since that Magister escaped your confrontation in the Approach and must be back with the bulk of the Wardens now, spreading more lies among them.

I am glad you were able to spend time with some of your own people. I’ve often wondered if you regretted the way the Inquisition stole you from you clan. The stories you tell definitely show how close you are to your clan.

Once you are back at Skyhold, could I perhaps request some of your time, my lady? Your long absence means there are several things I wish to discuss with you in person. And perhaps, we might play another game of chess? I will ensure that we are not interrupted.

Yours,  
Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to post this _days_ ago. Sadly, I had a terrible week at work so all I had the energy to do when I got home was just kill some things in video games then go to bed.
> 
> I always wanted to know what was with Cullen's whole lion motif in DAI. I made something up, but I would love to hear if anyone else has headcanons about it.
> 
> Thanks for reading! ^_^


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there is a ball at the Winter Palace, and Myrlana and Cullen pass notes.

Myrlana,

This is ridiculous. We are traveling in the same party. I should not have to send you a note with a messenger just so I can talk to you. Yes, I know that I could speak to you at any time, but there’s so many people everywhere, all of them watching us. Honestly, you would think they would show you more respect as the Inquisitor.

However, I did not wish to write you this note only to be frustrated. I simply wanted to tell you that you look beautiful tonight. I was watching you speak with Varric, and he said something that made you laugh, and I just wanted to tell you how radiant you looked. I am glad to see you well and happy.

But I knew if I tried to say something like that out loud… Maker, what a nightmare.

I was also curious if I would ever get to see what you will be wearing to the ball? I know you had to wear whatever it is for a fitting with Josephine so you can’t feign ignorance. And you’ve seen the uniforms she’s foisting on the rest of us. It’s only fair, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I completely agree. This is ridiculous. Do you notice how everyone stops talking and stares at us whenever you ride near me or talk to me at camp? Of course you have. They aren’t exactly subtle about it. I have been sorely tempted a few times to just kiss you in front of everyone in the hope they would get the cheers and whistles out of their collective system. Sadly, I know better than to think that would work. It would only encourage their lasciviousness. I still find myself tempted, however, if only because I’m always tempted to kiss you when you’re nearby._

_At least when we take our walks along Skyhold’s battlements, the soldiers pretend to ignore us even though I know they gossip in the barracks later. I believe that illusion of privacy is thanks to your excellent (and very attractive) glare. None of your soldiers want to be on the wrong end of the lion’s wrath. Sadly, Leliana and Josephine seem unaffected by your displeasure, and it’s hard to intimidate others when they’re standing there giggling behind their hands and stage whispering naughty comments to each other. I thought spymasters and diplomats were supposed to be subtle. I suppose it’s fortunate that we have become practiced correspondents in the time since I joined the Inquisition. Since this is what we have been forced to, at least it’s familiar._

_And thank you for calling me beautiful although it is strange for someone to say it to me. When I was younger, I had long hair, and my mother insisted that I take care of my appearance. I didn’t really mind because I enjoyed the other girls admiring my hair and my mother calling me her little jewel. Then I started training seriously to be a hunter and I was teased for my long hair since it was so impractical. So one day, I cut it short as it is now, and then challenged the first elf that commented on the change to a contest with my axe. I won. Decisively. So now no one in my clan calls me beautiful. Whether they think it or not is more than I can say though._

_You, I am sure, get complimented on your looks all the time. I’m sure you’ve noticed the crowd that gathers when you spar with the recruits. They all watch you, Cullen. It is rather unfair. Your golden hair, those broad shoulders, and the muscles of a warrior. Then there’s that scar on your lip. Believe me, vhenan, that scar makes one think of long, passionate kisses. And your eyes, ah your eyes. The color of honey and their gaze is just as sweet. At least when you’re looking at me. I love the way you look at me, Cullen. No one has ever looked at me that way before..._

_As for my formal wear: no. When I was trying it on, Josephine promised severe consequences if I told you anything. And Leliana and Vivienne were both there looking conspiratorial so I’m pretty sure the consequences truly would be quite dire if I were caught. And don’t try to wheedle anything out of me with that puppy eyes look of yours. They are quite devastating, but not nearly as effective of the combined threats of those three women._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Josephine noticed you passing me your note during our discussion over the lunch break. She spent the afternoon alluding to it at every opportunity. This is your fault. I suspect you let her catch you at it on purpose just to make me uncomfortable.

I wanted to add a personal aside to what we discussed with Leliana and Josephine regarding Wycome. I know that report was worrying, but I think you made a good decision. Leliana’s agents will be able to determine what’s really happening and stop it before your clan is harmed. We will do whatever you think is necessary. I know you’re worried, Myrlana. I could see it in your eyes when you Josephine read that report from Lady Guinevere. And remember, if you ever need me even if it’s only for a shoulder, you have only to ask, my lady.

And anyone with eyes in their head can see that you’re beautiful, Myrlana, whether they say it or not. I admit I’d be wary of telling you that as well if you were likely to try to hit me with that monstrous axe of yours. You are a terrifying warrior, my lady. I do wonder what you looked like with long hair, but I think your short hair suits you.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. I do _not_ have a “puppy eyes” look.

\---

_Cullen,_

_No, I did not get caught passing my note to you on purpose. Believe me, I had to face the same sort of teasing from Leliana today. I will have to work on my note passing it seems. Stealth has never been a strength of mine, however. Perhaps I shall have Cole deliver this message? He would manage it unseen. As long as he doesn’t blurt any of my thoughts out to passers-by. He says the anchor makes me “too bright” to hear clearly though so he doesn’t get as much from me._

_Thank you for your assurances about Wycome. I am worried, and I will be until this mess is resolved, but I trust the Inquisition, and I trust you. Everything will work out, somehow. I may take you up on your offer for a shoulder, however. It would be nice to lay my cares on someone else if only for a moment. Thank you, Cullen. I do not deserve you._

_As for more immediate concerns, I am planning to sneak out of the back of my tent tonight when we camp. Join me? I’ll ask Bull to cover for us. I’m sure he’ll tease me mercilessly and make lewd comments at every opportunity, but he and the Chargers will be able to insure we at least have a little time for ourselves._

_Oh Creators! I feel like a maiden arranging to sneak off with her first lover! This truly is ridiculous. But I suppose you are worth it, my lion._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. Oh yes you most certainly do! I’ve never seen a man quite as capable of looking like a hopeful, begging pup as you are. You could probably charm a woman into doing almost anything with that very attractive pleading look of yours. At least as long as she doesn’t have three of the most terrifying women in Thedas waiting to pounce on her if she gives into it._

\---

Myrlana,

Of course I’ll join you, my lady. I won a bottle of wine off Dorian during our last chess match. An excellent Tevinter vintage that he was very upset to lose. I’ll bring it with me.

And I am always here for you. You are the strongest person I know, but I know you also carry a great burden. If I can ever help you carry it, I will. You give me hope not just for Thedas but for myself as well. You allow me to see a future. It is I who does not deserve you.

I look forward to tonight.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. That look will get me almost anything, you say? I will remember that. And there’s only one woman I have any desire in charming, my lady.

\---

_Cullen,_

_Thank Dorian for me? That wine last night was really excellent. Maybe I should play chess with him if the spoils are that good._

_And I must say, I am more fond of that lion mantle than ever. If it weren’t for that, there would have been no comfortable place to lay my head considering that you insist on wearing armor every day. It makes you rather unyielding. You do look good in it though._

_I wish we could sneak out again tonight, but Josephine assures me that we will reach Halamshiral by this evening and will be staying in an inn. I imagine it would be beyond our powers of stealth to sneak out of a crowded inn. I suppose I shall just have to focus on getting my beauty sleep for the ball. You should too. I saw the shadows under your eyes, Cullen, I know you didn’t sleep well._

_I really don’t want to go to this ball. Can I pretend to be ill? I only learned one dance, and I’m sure I’ll say the wrong thing on accident or get angry and say the wrong thing on purpose or the Orlesian ladies will be offended that I’m not dolled up in one of those ridiculous gowns they wear (honestly, how do they move?) or that I won’t be wearing a mask or some other perceived slight. I’m supposed to be saving Celene’s life and normally I’d be sure I could handle that much, but I know that there are other stakes as well, ones I’m not nearly so confident I can play for._

_Forever yours, ma vhenan  
Myrlana_

_\---_

_Cullen,_

_Back on the road and back to resorting to talking to you by letter. Every time I so much as look at you, I hear someone sigh about how romantic we are. I think the ball did something to everyone to make it worse. Even Cassandra is smiling at us and she hated the Winter Palace (although considering her preferred reading material, maybe I shouldn’t be surprised about her fits of romanticism). I wish you had ridden at the front with me this morning instead of with your soldiers. I know you’re the Commander, but you doomed me to endure Josephine and Leliana recounting absolutely every moment of the ball by myself._

_I cannot think what everyone saw in the whole affair. Everyone dressed up in those impractical clothes, lying to each other with every word, ignoring or abusing the servants, plotting against each other… and that doesn’t even count the venatori. I myself was called “rabbit” 17 times and “knife-ear” 8 times that I heard. And I’m the Inquisitor! Supposedly a prominent figure. No wonder Briala seemed like she wanted to just knife everyone._

_And then there was your little group of admirers! Part of me can’t blame them, you are incredibly handsome, but to be so pushy! I thought Orlesians prided themselves on subtlety? I had to keep myself from slapping more than a couple of them. They only saw you for your looks and your position. They didn’t see the man you are, your integrity and honor and courage. How dare they attempt to make a claim on you?_

_I must say that the evening did have a good ending. I can see now why dancing in the arms of the handsome knight seems to be a staple plot point in Cassandra’s romance tales. Thank you for the dance, ser lion._

_But other than that moment with you, I despised the whole affair. Fighting Florianne was certainly preferable to dancing with her. At least when I faced her blades, I knew where I stood._

_I can see you now talking to Cassandra. You look serious. You have that little furrow in your brow and you’re frowning. It’s a very attractive frown, but I must say, I prefer the smile you were giving me last night._

_Creators, but I miss you. Even though you are only a few dozen yards away, I miss you._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I did not enjoy the ball very much myself. I felt so useless standing in that ballroom while you investigated the venatori. I should have been at your side the whole night instead of enduring the court. And enduring hearing the slurs against you! I believe Leliana stood near me all evening so she could intervene if I lost my temper over hearing you insulted. I don’t know how I kept myself in check even though I knew reacting would only make things worse…

And believe me, I did not enjoy the attentions of that rabble. They were pushy and vapid and shallow and the only reason I didn’t punch any of them was because I knew it would hurt your reputation with the court. But, Maker, all I wanted to do was hide in a corner. Preferably after stealing you away to hide with me.

You were certainly the highlight of the evening. I couldn’t take my eyes off you from the moment you entered. I’m not sure why your outfit was such a secret, however. You were wearing the same thing as the rest of us. Or was that the point? At any rate, you looked beautiful in it. Of course, you are beautiful every day, but at the ball… You certainly outshone anyone else there. I’m sure Leliana and Josephine will get their fill of laughing at my expense over my stuttering reaction to you. I do apologize for not maintaining my composure. As your general, I should have, but, Maker’s breath, you looked radiant, especially compared to all those overdressed ladies of the court.

I do wonder though, how were you able to change into and out of armor so quickly?

As for the dance, I am glad you enjoyed it. I am sorry I am such a poor dancer. I would suggest you develop better taste in partners, but I admit, I wouldn’t wish to let you out of my arms again. Watching you dance with Duchess Florianne was bad enough to watch. I don’t want to do that again. Besides, you were so graceful that even if you did not know the steps perfectly, it was a pleasure to watch you move. Perhaps I shall ask for lessons. I’ve heard Scout Harding is an accomplished dancer. Next time I ask for a dance, my lady, I want to be worthy of you.

I am sorry I didn’t ride with you today. After the casualties at the Winter Palace, I wanted to spend some time with our soldiers. I shall make it up to you and ride with you tomorrow no matter how much teasing there is. I even promise to smile for you. It is, in fact, hard for me to do anything else when I look at you.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Oh Creators, now I feel guilty for mentioning you not riding with me! I should have thought of that. Perhaps I should spend some time with the soldiers as well. I can’t believe I didn’t think of that. When a hunter dies for the clan, the rest of the hunters will spend a night all together out in the woods. We sing and tell stories and cry and laugh. When the dawn comes we say our final farewell to our fallen brother or sister. I should have know that perhaps the Inquisition soldiers might need a similar outlet and would want to have their Commander there to lead them through their grief just as he leads them to triumph. You are a better person than I for remembering they would need you. Thank you, Cullen._

_I will accept your promise to smile, however. You do not do it enough especially recently. Is something the matter? You seem about as serious as you were when I first met you. And sometimes I would almost swear you were in pain. Although that isn’t exactly it either. You seem to be struggling with something sometimes. I would help if I could. I will always be here for you if you need me, vhenan._

_And I would love to dance with you again. Perhaps I could teach you a Dalish dance or two as well? I could give you private lessons somewhere no one is likely to interrupt us. You would have to wear something less constricting than armor, however. Dalish dancing is less reserved than what those Orlesians do. Really, I think this is an excellent idea! Especially the part where they’d be private lessons. We need more of that._

_As for my armor at the ball, Leliana made me practice changing quickly into and out of the armor. I asked why I couldn’t just wear my armor the whole time. You should have seen the look she gave me. Then she said, “And if you do have to kill someone? How were you planning to explain the blood stains to the Orlesian Court, hmm?” A fair point though, and I can now add shedding formal wear to put on armor (and vice versa) at high speed to my list of accomplishments. Wait, were you thinking about how to get me out of that uniform the whole time at the Winter Palace? Naughty, Cullen. Not that I didn’t think similar thoughts about you..._

_Fenedhis! I see Josephine coming my way with that intent expression that means she needs to discuss something with me. And I certainly cannot let her catch me writing to you. She would find some way to read this note._

_Myrlana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, my job is kicking my butt so I barely wrote over the past week. Luckily, I have a buffer built up. Unluckily, this chapter caused me no end of issues and required a couple of major rewrites so it took me a whole week to get it ready to post anyway. Thanks to my beta for her excellent suggestions. Honestly, she's awesome, and this story would be a mess without her.
> 
> Crossing my fingers that I actually have the time and energy to do some serious writing in the near future. I miss these two.
> 
> Also, for anyone who's curious, a friend of mine who's an _awesome_ artist kindly made me a tarot card for Myrlana. [Click here](http://vamtaro.tumblr.com/post/118640139595/a-tarot-card-i-painted-for-my-friend-mary-of-her) to see it!


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cullen picks flowers and Myrlana fights giants.

_Cullen,_

_Once again I’m leaving Skyhold at a time when I really don’t want to. For a place that is supposed to be the center of my power, I spend remarkably little time there. I know it was important that I leave so soon, however. This information on red lyrium smuggling is too good a chance to track Samson to pass up. You are certainly right about that. But I hope you’ll forgive me when I say that you being right doesn’t really make me feel any better about you being far away._

_Do you think that if we defeat Corypheus, you and I will finally get to just be together without distraction or intrusion? There always seems to be something earth shattering to take care of right away. Oh, Inquisitor you just prevented the assassination of the Orlesian empress. Well done. Now please make a decision about who should lead a religion you aren’t even a part of. Honestly, Cullen, how can anyone expect me to weigh in on the choice of who should be the next Divine? Mostly I just want to tell the Chantry that I refuse to give up my Seeker or my Spymaster. They just need to find someone else. So there. Maybe I’ll stick my tongue out at them as well. Silliness aside, it is a decision that I really don’t want to think about._

_There’s something else I wanted to talk to you about. I feel like we didn’t really have time to discuss it, but I wanted to thank you for telling me about your decision to forgo lyrium. I am glad to know. And I want to make sure you understand that I truly support your decision. You are very important to me, Cullen, and I know this is important to you. I know anything I am likely to say will sound like mere platitudes since lyrium withdrawal is something I have never experienced, but know that I am here for you. Whatever you need, ma vhenan._

_I suppose now I understand your vehement objections when I mentioned that I might try to learn Templar skills. Rest assured that I will not pursue that path. In fact, I have been training more and more with Breaker Thram. The reaver discipline seems to fit me better anyway. There’s an abandon paired with discipline that I find appealing along with a willingness to take a blow so someone else doesn’t have to and to be able to draw strength from willingness to protect._

_I hope tracking this red lyrium doesn’t take long. It seems to only get harder and harder to be away. Dorian has accused me of being insufferably gloomy, and Cole is constantly trying to help. Actually he did bring me a lovely bouquet of wildflowers earlier that made me smile. He may be odd, but he genuinely means well. That’s enough for me._

_Take care of yourself, Cullen. I know that you worry about me, but I also worry about you. Seeing you suffer makes my heart ache. Be well while I’m away, vhenan._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

When I woke up this morning and realized that I wouldn’t see you today, it was as if all the color was leached from the world and everything was less than it had been. I am sorry to hear that you are equally miserable. While it’s gratifying to know you miss me, I don’t like to think of you as unhappy. But since flowers can make you smile, I made sure to include a couple blooms from the garden with this letter. I hope they survived the journey.

I understand how you feel about Cassandra and Leliana. I cannot imagine the Inquisition without either of them. The two of them built the foundation for everything we’ve accomplished, and it seems the Chantry recognizes that accomplishment. Either of them would be a strong choice. I can understand why you find your influence odd, but I think you’ve earned your power and will use it wisely. And think, even though you aren’t Andrastian, the Chantry affects the policy and actions of many in Southern Thedas. Your connections to the Divine could be of great use to your people.

I am greatly relieved to hear that you did not decide to start taking lyrium. I don’t think I could have stood seeing you that way, Myrlana. And I don’t know if I could have kissed you knowing there had been lyrium on your lips. When you look at me, I feel strong, but I know that I’m not. It is you that gives me strength. When your gaze isn’t on me, I am weaker, flawed. And if your gaze were to be filled with the glow of lyrium… It would all come back, everything I walked away from when I joined the Inquisition. The light in you would seep into all those flaws I bear, and I would break apart.

So hearing that I won’t have to face that with you… Thank you.

Of course, training with Breaker Thram doesn’t exactly fill me with comfort. I’ve seen the way she fights, and thinking of you throwing yourself into battle, heedless of injury, that way... You are not ever going to be easy on my heart, are you?

May Andraste preserve you and bring you safely back to my side,

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Have you been reading some of Cassandra’s books? That first line of your letter seemed to be straight out of one of those collections of love poems she reads when she thinks nobody's looking. It was very sweet though, vhenan, thank you._

_As for the flowers, they did arrive intact. However, with all the plants in Skyhold’s garden, I don’t know how you managed to pluck peonies: the only flower I’m allergic to. They did make me smile though. When I wasn’t sneezing. Next time try daisies. Or tulips. I love those._

_Interestingly enough, yours was not the only letter I received from a man recently. Josephine forwarded a letter for me from King Alistair. Among other things, he apologized to me for his behavior at Redcliffe and is now asking for the Inquisition’s help with some venatori agents that seem to have infiltrated Denerim. It sounds like that would not be a fun letter to read, but it was truly very enjoyable. The King of Ferelden seems like a man with a sense of humor and one that doesn’t stand on too much ceremony. I think I’d like to meet him when the world isn’t in the midst of crisis. In the short term, I hope you will send some help to Denerim. It would be bad to have venatori taking over in Ferelden, and building up the good will of the rulers of Thedas sounds like a good idea. I have the Empress of Orlais in my debt, why not the King of Ferelden too? He seems like he’s more fun than Celene anyway._

_I haven’t found any sign of the lyrium smugglers yet. I did meet with Fairbanks, however, and have been helping him against the Freemen while I search for clues about Samson. I will report as soon as I learn something useful._

_Farewell for now, my lion. Know that I think of you when I am awake and dream of you when I sleep. Until we see each other again, I will not feel truly whole._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Oh sweet Andraste, I am a fool. I am sorry about the peonies (is that what they were? I admit my knowledge of floral arrangements is very limited). As requested, I’ve sent some daisies. Lady Morrigan followed me around the garden as I picked them and made snide remarks the whole time. Leliana tells me that she is actually a warmer person than she used to be since becoming a mother. I find that hard to believe.

Maker’s breath! I didn’t mean to talk about Lady Morrigan or any other woman while telling you about the flowers I picked for you! My mind seems a bit scattered today, forgive my thoughtlessness.

I have sent soldiers to Denerim as requested and will let you know what they find. I think it is an excellent idea to help Ferelden and to be seen doing it. As for the King you find so charming… Did you forget he’s married, my lady? To the Hero of Ferelden? I think you’ll have to give up any hopes you cherished there. Perhaps you should look for romance a little closer to home? I’ve heard that a man that gives you flowers is one to keep.

Don’t get too distracted with side adventures in the Emerald Graves, Myrlana. I know you. If you see something you can help with, you go haring off to fight the bad and help the helpless. But you also have to know when to leave it to others. Help Fairbanks if you can, but Leliana thinks that with some support, we can leave him to deal with the Freemen without your direct involvement so you can return home that much sooner.

Of course, some of that is me selfishly hoping to see you as soon as possible.

Come home to me, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. I’ve noticed you’ve started slipping Elven words I don’t understand into your letters again. I shall get their meanings out of you somehow, my lady.

\---

_Cullen,_

_I know I shouldn’t have teased you about the flowers. Really, vhenan, a few sneezes were more than worth knowing that you wanted to make me smile. And I love the daisies. They just seem so full of joy, even more so than other flowers. So don’t listen to Morrigan. Pick flowers for me whenever you like and know they will make me think of you and smile when I get them._

_But what can I send you in return? I was going to send you flowers as well. The Dalish will give flowers as tokens of affection regardless of gender, but Vivienne assures me that that is not how it is done among humans. A man may give a lady flowers, but not the reverse. That seems silly to me, but I will try to find something else to give you._

_There’s no need to be jealous of King Alistair, Cullen. He may be handsome and funny and charming, not to mention a King and a Hero of the Fifth Blight, but he doesn’t have a scar on his lip. I believe I’ve mentioned before that your scar gives you an unfair advantage. Honestly, vhenan, how could I ever have eyes for anyone else when there’s a man like you in the world? Your kindness and courage and honor and intelligence and integrity and the way you look at me that makes my heart feel full to bursting and my knees weak... And, of course, you are also incredibly handsome, my lion._

_And yes, I do know King Alistair is married. Varric’s told me all the tales of the great love between the Teyrn’s daughter and the bastard prince. And Leliana even told me once that our tale-spinning dwarf actually wasn’t exaggerating at all. She had this fond yet bittersweet smile on her face as she said it. In some ways I think she misses the Blight. Odd as that is. Or maybe she misses who she was back then? Or maybe she just misses her friends. I am not as adept at interpreting her expressions as i am with yours._

_Honestly, vhenan, if anyone has reason to be jealous, it’s me. Josephine told me about all the inquiries she’s been getting about you since the ball in Halamshiral. Several sound like they were barely short of being marriage proposals. I warn you, if you even think about accepting any of these offers, I will have to do something drastic involving my battleaxe. I’ve already told Josephine the same. You are mine._

_Hmmm, it seems this letter is getting to be rather long. I was going to tell you about what I’ve been doing here, but I believe I’ll put all the boring, official things in a separate report for you today._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. I think I’ll need you to convince me to tell you what the Elven means. You’ll need to be very persuasive, my lion._

\---

Myrlana,

Your letter was delivered to me in the War Room while I was meeting with Leliana and Josephine. The messenger thought it was just another report so I began reading it. I don’t believe I shall ever be free of their teasing now. I am told I blushed rather spectacularly. And I think Josephine read a little over my shoulder. Beware. I don’t think there’s a bigger gossip in all of Skyhold than our dear Ambassador, not even Varric.

I suppose I should have remembered that when I told her that she really didn’t need to pass those inquiries about me from Orlais on to you. She obviously couldn’t resist. I’ve told her to burn the blighted things or at least tell them that I am not available, but Leliana stepped in and told Josephine she would “handle” requests of that nature. I am filled with dread. Please come home soon. Those two are allied against me.

I am glad you liked the daisies. I shall endeavor to send you a flower or two with each raven. There’s no need for you to send me anything in return, just getting letters from you is more than enough for me. I was thinking about the fact that women really don’t give flowers to men, and it seems rather silly to me as well. Perhaps it is because flowers are lovely and delicate, traits that are generally upheld in society as female. But while you are certainly lovely and may appear delicate at first glance, I never think of you as such. You are the strongest person I know, far stronger than I am for sure. So if you ever wanted to send me flowers, I would not object, but again, there is no obligation.

Good luck, Myrlana.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_You wished me luck, but luck was not what I got. We picked up the trail of the lyrium smugglers and I have obtained documents for you to look over. I think they might help us figure out where all this red lyrium is coming from once we put it together._

_But I have one word for you about the Emerald Graves: giants._

_Well, giants and bears. Well, giants and bears and a dragon. But mostly giants._

_I promise I left the dragon alone though. She flew over several times which was rather terrifying, let me tell you. Especially because we were already fighting giants. Lots of giants. And no I couldn’t avoid them. Some red templars that were guarding the red lyrium shipment were travelling right through where all the giants were so in order to get any information from their things, we also had to go right through where all the giants were. I’m sure Cole could have snuck through and grabbed what we needed, but I’m not sure he would know what he was looking for. As for me sneaking… We all know that I’m very much not the sneaking kind. We all made it out ok, though. I think the red templars managed to soften up the giants a little bit for us._

_Despite all of that, however, I am very much enjoying my time here. Perhaps I could drag you out here sometime? It’s really quite beautiful, so much growth and green and life! I wish the Orlesians hadn’t built their little chateaux here. It is too lovely to impose human structures on. The others are actually getting a little tired of me, I think. I’ve been climbing trees and picking herbs and just soaking up as much nature as I can. It’s amazing how I’ve managed to get a bunch of city folk to follow me to all the uncivilized corners of Southern Thedas. Of course, this isn’t to say that other places we’ve been have not also been beautiful and some were even more untouched, but I’ve never been someplace quite so lush before. Most of the areas my clan travelled in the Free Marches were more similar to the Exalted Plains, dryer climates with grass and scrubby brush. I love the huge trees with their enormous canopies._

_Whenever I see lovely things out here, I wish you were here to share them with me. Since you said you wouldn’t mind getting flowers, I’m sending a few with this letter. They’re some that I’ve thought were particularly lovely here. It’s too bad we could never get them to grow at Skyhold. I know you said you don’t need anything, but I want to make you smile too, you know. And sending you these flowers from where I am right now makes me feel like we are sharing my experiences here in a small way. It brings you that much closer to me._

_I will be returning to Skyhold soon. Until then, Cullen._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on the elven in the chapter: "In lath" means "with love", I hope ("in" means with or inside and "lath" means love so it seems straightforward). My elven linguistic info comes from me reading the [Elven language](http://dragonage.wikia.com/wiki/Elven_language) page on the DA wiki. Please forgive me if I ever screw up. If there's anyone out there reading this that believes they've got the DA Elven language figured out, I would love to know. Linguistics is a hobby of mine, and I would love to talk about it and figure out some more about how it's put together.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed! I will be gone on vacation until sometime next week so it'll probably be at least a week and a half before I put up another chapter.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana gets really pissed and also really really worried.

_Cullen,_

_I am so angry I could spit! I wish we hadn’t already killed that dragon here in the Hinterlands already. A nice dragon fight would be a great way to work out some of this anger. Maybe. I’m not sure even that would be enough._

_I suppose I should back up. You remember I told you about the letter Dorian’s family sent to Mother Giselle? Well, if you thought I was annoyed at her for trying to convince me to get rid of Dorian… I know she meant well, I know, but Dorian is a kind and compassionate man. He may try to hide it, but just think of all he’s done! He wants so desperately to help not just the Inquisition but his homeland. He wants people to be the best they can. And if being an outsider were enough to bar someone from the Inquisition, well, you obviously chose the wrong Inquisitor._

_But I’m off track again. My thoughts can’t seem to stay pinned down._

_We went to the inn where the “family retainer” was supposed to meet us. Turns out it was Dorian’s father himself. I was initially willing to give the man a chance to say his piece--he had come a long way to see his son after all. But then I found out why Dorian left, how his family hurt him so irrevocably._

_Dorian prefers the company of men and so refused to allow himself to be caged alongside a woman for the rest of his life. His father’s response was blood magic. He tried to force Dorian into being the son he wanted instead of the one he had. How could anyone, much less a parent, even consider such an act? To change someone’s fundamental being? That is not love. You cannot claim to love someone only to prove to them that they are so severely flawed to you that some kind of “fix” must be forced on them. I hope the Dread Wolf hounds that man’s steps to his end!_

_I never thought I would be so grateful for my own upbringing. The love and warmth and family that was the whole clan, a love that I never once doubted or questioned. That is what I wish for any child I have to experience. I wish I could give Dorian that as well. I should be with him right now, trying to prove to him that there are people that care about him, that would never think of changing him to match some model in their mind. Hopefully soon I will be calm enough to be there for my friend._

_Thinking about all of this has also made me even more anxious about events in Wycome. I want my family safe. Knowing that they’re still there, that they still care about me, that is a source of strength to me. You’ve sent troops to Wycome to protect them, yes? I hope everything there turns out alright.._

_Oh Creators, Cullen, I wish you were here. I could use a good sparring partner if nothing else. And a hug, a really good one._

_Thank you for listening, vhenan, even if it’s only in a letter._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Your anger is understandable. I have come to think of Dorian as a friend myself, despite the fact that he cheats at chess, but even if that weren’t the case, I would be horrified to hear of such a thing. I too was raised in a loving family and am eternally grateful they remained so despite my best efforts to distance myself from them when I left Ferelden.

I swear to you the moment that you come back to Skyhold, I will make sure I am available to you for sparring or hugs or whatever you need.

And yes, the soldiers have been dispatched to Wycome with orders to restore order there and keep the violence from spilling out of the city to the Dalish. The Inquisition is ready to do everything in its power to aid the people of its leader. The soldiers love you, and they will fight hard to protect what you care about, my lady.

I look forward to your return. And please, tell Dorian he owes me a chess match. I’ll wager a flagon of Kirkwall brandy (the good kind) on the outcome.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

Myrlana,

Welcome home. I’m writing you a note instead of greeting you myself because according to the scouts, you won’t be arriving at Skyhold until very late. As much as I would prefer to see you immediately, I’m sure you’ll be exhausted and want some sleep. Please get some rest, and I will see you in the morning.

Sleep well, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I came by your room to tell you what I thought about you not greeting me personally on my return, but I suppose I have to forgive you. You are sleeping deeply, and I don’t have the heart to disturb you. You look peaceful, and there is a little smile on you lips. Good dream?_

_When you see this note, come meet me in the practice yard. You promised me a bout._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. There is a hole in your roof. Did you notice? What do you do when it rains?_

\---

Myrlana,

I’m afraid I won’t be able to make it to the practice yard for our bout. An urgent report just came in from Warden Stroud. But perhaps you could join me in my office for breakfast? We could read over the report together. It would save time. Efficiency is valuable to institutions like the Inquisition, don’t you agree?

I believe I also owe you a hug, and I would hate to be too far in your debt, my lady.

Oh Maker, please join me for breakfast or I might have to kidnap you from your rooms. Just imagine the gossip that would cause. But I very nearly don’t care; I’ve missed you too much.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. It _was_ a good dream. I dreamed you were here and safe. It is wonderful to know some dreams really do come true.

\---

_Cullen,_

_Breakfast was lovely. Even lovelier was that nice, long hello kiss. Thank you, vhenan. And while our table conversation was necessarily serious, I want you to know, I really was just very happy to see you._

_I am sorry you were called away so soon, but I understand. Whatever that messenger had to say seemed serious. He looked so embarrassed at having to interrupt that I can’t imagine he’d have gone through with it if you weren’t truly needed immediately. (I’m not sure what he thought we’d be doing at your desk, but he seemed almost surprised, not to mention relieved, that we were just eating breakfast.) And after reading that report from Warden Stroud, I imagine we will both be very busy today. I am off to meet with Leliana myself so I wanted to leave this note for you before I left your office._

_I could still use that sparring match. Perhaps this evening before supper? I’m sure we’ll both need the outlet by then. I expect to see you there, Commander._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I must beg off from our sparring match again. I cannot apologize enough, but today has been very taxing, and I don’t believe I could give you the attention you deserve. I know sending you this note is the cowardly way out, but I hope you will forgive me.

Will you perhaps meet me for breakfast again in the morning?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Thank you again for breakfast, but I am tired of having to leave you these notes instead of parting ways like normal people. I may have to insist that we get an hour to ourselves before any interruptions are allowed. In fact, that sounds like a wonderful idea. We could make breakfast part of our routine. And since we do go over reports together, it wouldn’t even be as if we were shirking our duty._

_Although you seemed unfocused while we were discussing tactics this morning. And you look tired. You aren’t overworking yourself are you? Are you having trouble sleeping? I know, I know, I shouldn’t worry, but you’re important to me, ma vhenan._

_Well, I shouldn’t put my own work off any longer. I have reports of my own to wade through. But tonight I insist on a sparring match. The physical exertion will do us both some good. I won’t take no for an answer, Commander._

_Myrlana_

_\---_

_Cullen,_

_I’m leaving you another note in case you come back here before I find you. There’s a soldier here that mentioned you went to speak to Cassandra so I will be checking with her next._

_You didn’t show up to the practice grounds for our bout. I’m sure you’re just busy again, but I must say I’m disappointed to be thwarted for a third time. I’ve been cooped up reading dry reports all day and wanted an outlet._

_Creators, I’m sorry. That sounded selfish. I know you’re busy. What I meant was: is everything all right? You usually let me know if something comes up, but I haven’t heard anything from you since breakfast and even then you seemed distracted._

_Hopefully I’ll find you with Cassandra. I’m starting to worry about you, my lion._

_Myrlana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been writing lots again! I'm so happy! I've missed these two, and I've been wanting to write about this part in the game for a long time. Of course, figuring out how to address it within the confines of letter writing was hard, but I enjoyed the challenge. And there will be some fallout from this coming up. Also Adamant. Things to look forward to!
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which the Inquisition sets out for Adamant Fortress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I should have posted this days ago. But I got a nasty cold, and it seemed like too much work. Cold is still there but it's slightly less nasty now so yay! chapter!
> 
> See the end notes for a little bonus letter. Enjoy!

_Cullen,_

_I’ve never marched with a whole army before. It’s very complicated, isn’t it? It must be since all I’ve seen of you all day is brief glimpses as you ride from one group to another doing whatever it is Commanders do when leading their men. I feel almost superfluous with you here. I don’t know the first thing about leading an army to battle. Since I feel I would be in your way if I tried to stay at your side, I will just continue our letter-writing tradition._

_I must admit, I prefer travelling as I usually do with a small company to this. There’s so much noise with this many people. Even if no one’s talking just the sound of all those boots and hooves is nearly deafening. And even with so many people everywhere, it’s also strangely lonely. The usual banter and conversation I share with the others is muted with all these strange ears about. Or perhaps my loneliness is merely that you are here with me and yet distant._

_Ah, vhenan, forgive me my melancholy. You don’t need to be thinking about my woes when you have your own responsibilities. Perhaps I just need to find myself some purpose besides that of figurehead for this army._

_Please let me know if there’s anything I can do for you. You have been such a strong support for me ever since all this started, please let me be there for you as well. Ar lath ma, Cullen._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I apologize for being distant, Myrlana. As you said, commanding an army on the march requires a great deal of attention.

And time, unfortunately. Thus why this note is so short.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I understand. I will leave you to your responsibilities, Commander._

_Myrlana_

\---

Found with a report on weapon inventory:

> _She doesn’t understand. She thinks she is hurting you. She wonders if maybe she should have told you to take it, but she doesn’t really believe that. She believes you are strong but she thinks that maybe she reminds you of what you gave up. She doesn’t understand that she is the only thing that wakes you from the nightmares, but that you are afraid. Afraid of needing her too much, afraid of losing her, afraid that you won’t be strong enough after all. You’re hurting and hurt makes the want stronger. And your hurt hurts her. She can help._

Found in Myrlana's saddlebags:

> _He wants you to write to him. Words whispering, waking him from the nightmare, wending through his mind like warmth and light. But withered now, wilted by his fear and pride. He wants the words back, but he’s afraid. He doesn’t know how to ask._

\--- 

_Cullen,_

_It’s been a few days, and I’m sorry if I’m pestering you with my notes. I know you’re busy, but I miss you. You’ve been so focused during our discussions on plans and strategies and then you’re so busy the rest of the time that all I can do is watch you while you work and write these letters. And so I will continue to write even if you do not have a chance to respond._

_Still, I was going to leave you alone, but I got this note from… Never mind, that doesn’t matter._

_I hope you are taking care of yourself. There are shadows growing under your eyes and your movements seem sluggish some days. And I haven’t seen you smile since we left Skyhold._

_Perhaps I can help change that… Hawke sent me a letter. I was thankfully alone when I read it as I’m sure my face was a very bright shade of red. It appears that Bull gave her some of his liquor for the road and she got a bit drunk and decided she absolutely had to know how you are in bed. Do you think if I ignore the letter, she’ll leave me alone? Somehow I don’t think she’d believe the truth._

_Normally I’d be far too embarrassed to share this with you, but I’m hoping it might make you smile a little or blush. Maybe you’ll reach your hand up and rub the back of your neck when you read this like you do when you’re feeling awkward. You’ve been so quiet and so focused on duty the past few days, and I understand why, but a little frivolity is good for you sometimes._

_And now I will leave you to your Commandering. However, I do hope you will be able to spend some time with me. It’s a long way to Adamant and having you so close and yet unavailable is bad for my morale. I hear morale is important for armies so I’m hoping this argument will resonate with you._

_I miss you,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

It seems there has been some meddling for I also received a note.

Forgive me, my lady. As usual, you are right. I’ve been throwing myself into my duties to distract myself from less pleasant thoughts. And perhaps also to prove to you that I will live up to the faith you’ve shown in me. There are times when I’m so afraid that I will fail the Inquisition, fail you. I am sorry that my fear caused me to act as I did. Forgive me.

Your point about morale is well-taken, however. If the Inquisitor’s morale is low, it will certainly affect the entire army. You are our symbol, and as such, you must appear strong and confident. To that end, I’ve made arrangements for us to have dinner tonight. I told my second that if anyone disturbs us without a very good reason, they will get latrine duty for the rest of march. With Leliana and Josephine back at Skyhold, we should remain uninterrupted.

So if it would please you, my Lady Inquisitor, I would be honored if you would join me for dinner this evening in my tent.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. Please do not answer Hawke’s letter. No matter what you say, it will only encourage her. She has her good points...somewhere, but I found in Kirkwall that ignoring her antics was really the only way to put up with her.

\---

_Cullen,_

_Perhaps I will buy Cole another hat to thank him for the interference._

_Since you asked, of course I forgive you._

_And Cullen, you have nothing to prove to me. I already know your strength. I truly believe you’re doing the right thing, vhenan. I told you that at Skyhold, and I will continue to tell you until you believe me. I know that you can withstand this. Watching you suffer wrings my heart, but I know that this is what you truly want and I respect your decision. I will never ask you to be something you aren’t, Cullen. I swear that to you._

_I would be pleased to join you for dinner, Commander. You are, after all, leading my armies. The least I can do in return is share a meal with you_

_I wish I could have been there to see that ultimatum you gave your second. Was he quaking in his boots or smirking? I can never tell if the troops are more afraid of your wrath or eager to deliver the gossip to their fellows whenever we order ourselves a few moments alone._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. As for Hawke’s letter, it’s too late. I already replied to her. I gave her a steamy account of all our amorous adventures. Bull and Varric helped me write it. According to what I sent her, you have a lot to live up to, my lion._

\---

Myrlana,

You didn’t really write to Hawke, did you? Maker’s breath, you probably did. You will pay for this, Myrlana, I swear it! Andraste’s tits, Hawke will be insufferable next time we see her. We will have to discuss this at dinner, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. I am looking forward to spending some real time together. I have missed you while I’ve been preoccupied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Bonus! Hawke's letter to the Inquisitor...**
> 
> Inquisitor!
> 
> I’m making good time ahead of you to join Stroud at Adamant, but that’s not why I’m writing. I have a question for you. Kept forgetting to ask while I was in Skyhold. Actually Varric wouldn’t let me ask. Can you believe it? Varric! He’s the nosiest person I know. He said “Hawke, the Inquisitor’s affairs are none of your business. Leave the elf alone.” He must really like you. Or he’s terrified of you. Could be both, honestly. Ah yes, the question:
> 
> Cullen. How is he in bed?
> 
> You see, back in Kirkwall he was always had this giant stick up his ass. Don’t get me wrong, you could tell that under all that armor was a basically decent human despite everything Meredith could do. But Maker! Getting him to crack a smile was impossible! Flirting with him was like flirting with a stone wall! Actually, it was more like flirting with Aveline, but you’ve never met our beloved Guard-Captain so the comparison isn’t useful. Let’s just say anything like that just went over his head. Way over. He seems to have loosened up a bit since then though mostly that’s only around you.
> 
> So tell me, how is our little Chantry boy? Does he recite verses? 
> 
> (I hope you actually write back because Andraste’s tits, riding alone is boring.)
> 
> Hawke
> 
> P.S. Iron Bull may have given me some of that qunari shit he drinks for my trip and I perhaps overindulged last night in my boredom.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cullen and Myrlana discuss the Grey Wardens as they near Adamant.

_Cullen,_

_You told me the other evening that I looked sad and asked what was wrong. I told you it was nothing, but that wasn’t exactly true. I just didn’t want to voice it then. Our private dinners are like a sanctuary for me, a little moment of happiness where I can set aside the weight of the Inquisition. And perhaps I find it easier to confess my doubts in writing. After all, I’ve done it so many other times since we’ve know each other._

_I just wish there was another way. Attacking the Grey Wardens seems so wrong. I know that they’re being manipulated into helping Corypheus and that we must stop them before he gains his demon army, and yet… I suppose knowing that they’re being manipulated means that I can’t help but believe there’s another way, and so resorting to arms means that I’ve failed._

_I became the Inquisitor because I believed that the Inquisition is the best chance at restoring peace to Thedas. This doesn’t feel like making peace. I was just coming into my own as a hunter during the Blight ten years ago, and while my clan was far from Ferelden, we still heard all about it. We heard all the stories of the heroic Warden that united the humans, mages, dwarves and Dalish to fight the archdemon. And I think about the loyalty and honor Blackwall has shown us. Those are the things I associate with Grey Wardens._

_Oh Creators, I just feel so helpless. Maybe we can sway some of the Wardens? But I know that I cannot even cling too strongly to that hope._

_Thank you for listening, Cullen. I swear I will do whatever it takes to stop Corypheus’ plans at Adamant. But I will mourn the loss of every Warden._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\--

Myrlana,

I understand how you feel about the Grey Wardens though my personal experiences have been a bit different. The first Grey Warden I ever met saved me at Kinloch Hold though at the time I was enraged that she chose to let any mages live after what Uldred did. I now recognize her courage and honor, but it was hard then. And then in Kirkwall there was the mage Anders. He had been a Grey Warden as well.

I suppose what you have to remember is that they are all people. Many of them may be honorable and heroic, but they all have a choice just as we do. Yes, Corypheus is manipulating them, but sometimes you don’t get a good choice. Sometimes doing what is necessary does not feel right, but that makes it no less necessary.

But your doubts do you credit, my lady. I see in you someone who will never choose expediency over principle. You do not hesitate to make hard choices, but your compassion and honor will keep you from becoming someone like Meredith. She believed what she did was right as well, but along the way she forgot that the mages were people, and she encouraged me to forget as well. You remember what the Wardens should be, and that is a good thing, no matter how much it hurts.

It is an honor to follow you, Inquisitor.

And I treasure your trust in me, Myrlana. It is a strength to be able to voice your doubts (even in writing), never forget that. I will always listen and never think less of you for it. The person you are, you take my breath away with your strength.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_You flatter me, but thank you. I even forgive you for calling me Inquisitor because of all your lovely words. Although I do wish you’d been able to say “Everything will be all right”, but I appreciate your honest answer more in the end, I think._

_I forgot that the mage Anders was once a Grey Warden. I wonder if he was different then? Perhaps I will ask Varric about it. Or maybe not. Talking about “Blondie” makes him very sad. Maybe I can ask Hawke at some point. Though neither of them knew him until after he left the Wardens, but I’m still curious about it._

_But now we’ve discussed me quite enough. I notice you’re looking a bit worn today. Did you want to skip our dinner this evening so you can turn in early? Don’t try to deny it, Cullen, I can tell you didn’t sleep much last night. Solas makes an excellent sleep aid tisane for me when I have nightmares. I could ask him to make some for you._

_My mother used to sing to me when I couldn’t sleep as a girl. I miss that. She has a lovely voice, and she learned as many of the songs in Elvhen that she could. I would fall asleep as if I hadn’t a care in the world and dream of magical kingdoms in the clouds on those nights. I sometimes wish she were here to sing me to sleep still, though my worries are perhaps a little heavier than they were as a child._

_Please, vhenan, tell me if there’s something I can do to help. You are strong too so I know you can take care of yourself, but there’s no shame in needing someone else to help shoulder your burden. It doesn’t make you any less capable to admit your struggle to those that care about you. And I do care about you, very much._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I appreciate your concern, but I will endure. Besides, nothing would induce me to give up our nightly suppers together.

Solas has foisted that tisane of his on me before. It tastes really awful. It is so bad, in fact, that I stay awake because I’m unable to get the foul taste out of my mouth.

When I was a child, my sister Mia would tell me stories at bedtime. As I got older, she stopped, but every time I had a nightmare I would wake her up and make her tell me a story. I wish I could have her here now, but I will have to muddle through without it just as you do without your mother’s songs. Some days I would give anything to be a child again.

Now that I think on it though, I realize I’ve never heard you sing. Perhaps you could sing me to sleep?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I can’t believe you rode up to me in broad daylight, passed me a note, then rode away. Honestly, no one thought it was just some report. They’re all hiding their smiles (badly). Varric is taking notes on the whole interlude. You probably could have just told me what was in your note and caused less comment. No, never mind. I’ve become attached to these exchanges, and I suppose I’m even used to the giggling and commentary. I might miss it if it stopped._

_You think Solas’ tisane tastes awful? Odd. I find the flavor rather pleasant. Either he makes it differently for you or humans can’t taste things properly. Neither would surprise me, really._

_As for your question: no, I will not sing to you. My voice is very much the opposite of soothing. The clan’s other hunters called my singing closer to the croak of a bullfrog than anything else. Not like you. I know you can sing. I heard your voice that night in the mountains after Haven’s destruction. You are welcome to sing to me any time, my lion._

_Perhaps I can do what your sister did instead. I do know some stories though they wouldn’t be the same as the ones she told. Not that I wish to try to fill her shoes (for one thing, I would never wish you to view me as a sister, vhenan) so if you wouldn’t want that, I would understand._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I believe I would like that, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just before they reach Adamant Fortress. If you're interested, one of the first things I ever posted on AO3 was Adamant from Cullen's perspective. You can read that [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3113066).
> 
> I hope you enjoyed!


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana struggles with the evens at Adamant, and Cullen helps her regain her good spirits.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My piece [Cullen at Adamant](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3113066) bridges the gap between this chapter and the last one. Not everything can be conveyed through letters after all. Enjoy!

_Cullen,_

_I’m sorry it’s so late, and I’m sure this messenger will be waking you up. Oh Creators, I feel so guilty for asking..._

_I can’t sleep. Every time I close my eyes, I’m back in that nightmare place, and I see Warden Stroud facing down that demon._

_Will you sing to me?_

_I’m sorry, I shouldn’t ask. And I know you sneaking over to my tent in the middle of the night would cause comment, but I can’t think of anything else. I can’t sleep and I don’t want to be alone in the dark._

_But if you think it’s too inappropriate, I will understand._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I wanted to leave your tent early enough that hopefully very few will know I was here last night. You’re right that I’m sure there will be comments on my presence last night, but I will survive them.

You are sleeping now, and I’ve left orders that you are to be undisturbed until the very last moment. I am glad you finally were able to sleep. I will admit, I slept better knowing you were beside me last night. While I did not experience what you did in the Fade, I was reassured having you there in my arms, knowing that I would wake and you would still be there.

You can call on me at any time, dear lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I am torn between gratitude and embarrassment this morning. I feel like such a fool for needing you last night, but I am also thankful because I’m sure I would never have slept if you hadn’t come. And it was certainly wonderful to be held by you._

_I had hoped travelling all day would wear me out enough that I would sleep easily. But instead I was unable to sleep yet still totally exhausted. Then I thought about that first night after Adamant when I found you on the edge of camp, and you just pulled me into your arms. When you did that, I finally felt safe, like that demon couldn’t touch me. And I just fell asleep on my feet. (Thank you for picking me up before I fell. I’m told you carried me back to camp.) Last night, I hoped your presence could help like that again, and I was right._

_But I am embarrassed that I needed you, and I’m sorry if there’s talk. I know you’re a private person, Cullen, and that our relationship is the subject of more scrutiny than you’re comfortable with as it is. Late night visits can only make things worse. So I ask forgiveness for my weakness. I need you._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

There is nothing to forgive. I am here for you, whatever you need.

Never doubt, I need you too.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_It seems some of our worries were in vain. I’ve heard surprisingly few comments or snickers today. Have you been threatening people again? But that wouldn’t work on some of my companions (Bull, Sera, Dorian and a few others spring to mind). Varric’s unusual reticence I understand considering Hawke’s departure to Weisshaupt, but the others? Either you went entirely unnoticed or something else is going on._

_Ah, vhenan, today seems so much brighter! I give you all the credit for my good mood. Thank you, Cullen, truly._

_Would it be horribly selfish of me to ask you to guard me from my nightmares again tonight?_

_Myrlana_

\---

_Myrlana,_

_I think the answer to the lack of gossip is simple: respect. I’m sure eventually their reverence will wear off but for a few days at least, I imagine you’ll get some space. Having you come back after watching you fall into the Fade? It looked like a miracle. That’s your third, by the way. The Conclave, Haven, and now Adamant. If there was any doubt in their minds about you being Andraste’s Herald, that doubt is gone now. I would prefer that you avoid situations where miracles are required, in the future._

_Of course, you may ask me that, Myrlana, and of course I will guard your sleep. I only wish I could do more, my darling._

_Yours,  
Cullen_

\---

Myrlana,

Where are you? You’d already gone by the time I woke up this morning, and since we haven’t broken camp yet, I’m not sure where you could have disappeared to. Hopefully this raven finds you.

I know you can take care of yourself. I just don’t like not knowing where you are.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Oh dear, I left early this morning with some of the scouts that supplement our rations by hunting. Obviously they have to be gone well before the army gets moving so that they can find someplace to hunt where the soldiers haven’t scared off all the game. You were sleeping so deeply that I couldn’t bring myself to wake you, and it was too dark to write. I should have left word somehow though. I am sorry. And I’m very glad you stayed with me last night._

_I wanted a distraction, and I haven’t been hunting like this since I left my clan. It’s been wonderful. And I’ve gotten to speak to a few of the people that have sworn themselves to the Inquisition as a fellow hunter rather than as the Inquisitor._

_I didn’t mean to worry you. Did you swear when you couldn’t find me? It seems like you swear when you’re worried about me. Or maybe that’s just in your letters._

_I’ll be back at camp this evening, I promise. But for now I must go. I took a small rest to write this note, but one of the others just signaled that there’s a herd of deer in the area so I must return to stalking._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. Did you know you talk in your sleep? You were going on about losing your armor this morning. I’m rather curious about what you were dreaming just then._

\---

Myrlana,

I wish you good hunting. May Andruil guide your steps.

I apologize if I seem overly concerned, but when I woke up and you weren’t there and there wasn’t a note… Andraste forgive me, I just keep reliving that moment watching you fall from the fortress and into a Fade rift. My heart stopped in that moment, Myrlana.

If I worry for you, it’s because I have good reason. You are constantly in danger and no matter how many times you miraculously extricate yourself, my heart fears the one time the miracle doesn’t come, and I lose you forever.

So yes, I was a bit frantic when no one had seen you. And I may have sworn. Once. But I believe I have justification for my concern, my lady.

I must say, however, that I can’t quite picture you stalking a deer. And what weapon are you hunting with? Your usual overgrown axe seems inappropriate for the job. While I know you were a hunter with your clan, I never actually pictured you hunting. Your style just seems too ostentatious for the kind of stealth required.

I’ve been told before that I talk in my sleep. No one ever wanted to be my roommate in the barracks because of it. I hope I didn’t wake you. As for the dream I was having, it was one of those embarrassing ones where you show up for duty without your clothes. Nothing very interesting.

Please let me know as soon as you’ve returned to camp?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Stop worrying so much! You’ll get wrinkles from all the frowning you do when you worry. I’m not really one to talk, however. I worry about you as well. That horrible demon even commented on it. I don’t swear when I worry like you do though. Perhaps I should start? I find it quite charming actually since you are generally so restrained. I’m a little sad to have missed your outburst this morning._

_Truly Cullen when I landed in the Fade and realized what had happened, I thought about how if I was trapped, I would never see you again. I would never see a lot of people again. And it’s that thought that makes me grieve most for Stroud. What if somehow he didn’t fall against that demon? What if he’s trapped, and I stranded him there?_

_No. I made a choice, and I have to live with it. “What if” will just drive me insane. I will mourn Warden Stroud as he deserves, but my focus will be on the future, on defeating Corypheus._

_And I will also focus on more immediate matters. Such as your lack of faith in my hunting skills. I will have you know I am quite decent with a bow. Not like Sera perhaps, but I can certainly use one competently. And I can be quiet and stealthy. At least I can in the woods. I seem to lose that ability when it comes to humans. But then, there’s a large difference between hunting game and fighting. Deer generally aren’t trying to kill me back so they require different tactics._

_I will be back at camp this evening. We have some game to add to the stew pots this evening. So stop worrying!_

_I will see you soon, vhenan,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. I don’t know, my lion, I find the idea of you showing up somewhere without clothes very interesting._

\---

Myrlana,

_Now_ where are you? I checked with Scout Harding, and she says you didn’t go out with the hunting party this morning.

Maker give me strength, Myrlana! I know you’re doing this to toy with me, but it isn’t funny!

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Even when you’re angry with me, you still sign your notes with “yours”. How very sweet of you, vhenan._

_It’s true, I ran off just to vex you. It was Sera’s idea. I haven’t ever been far though. Sera reminded me that “the high and mighty are too busy “lookin’ down their noses at everyone, they never think about lookin’ up, best way to get at ‘em is from above”. Really I just wanted to be in a position to watch your reaction, and since we’re travelling through this lovely forest just now… Did I ever tell you that I’m an excellent climber? Just ask Cassandra. I’m forever frustrating her with my insistence on going up the side of a mountain instead of circling around to look for a path. On second thought, don’t ask her. She’ll just tell you about all the times my enthusiasm for climbing has betrayed us._

_The point is, your swearing out loud is even better than the swearing in your letters. It was quite colorful, my lion._

_And yes, it is funny. Catch me if you can, vhenan._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I found you. I win. And what is my prize, dear lady?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_You cheated! I know you did! You bribed Harding to look for me, didn’t you? Her eyes are unnaturally sharp; it isn’t fair. Although you do get points for managing to sneak up on me. And I can’t believe you were so smug as to write a note ahead of time to slip in my pocket._

_Cheats don’t get prizes, my lion._

_Myrlana_

_P.S. What did you bribe Harding with? If she’s susceptible to such things, I, as Inquisitor, ought to know._

\---

Myrlana,

Of course I bribed Harding. As for what I bribed her with… that’s my secret. Surely you would trust your Commander with such matters?

I respectfully disagree with your accusation of cheating. All is fair in love and war after all, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_And which is this, vhenan: Love? Or war?_

_Myrlana_


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana takes some lessons from the death of her clan, and Cullen fears he may lose the woman he's come to care about.

Myrlana,

Are you sure you’ll be alright? It would be understandable for you to come back to Skyhold and let someone else look into the Seekers with Cassandra. I’m sure she would accept that, considering.

And don’t try to be stoic. I know you haven’t been sleeping well. First going into the Fade and now what happened in Wycome… Anyone would fear their dreams after all that.

To the Void with my duties! I should have come with you. Please take care, and write often. I worry.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I will be fine. Or as fine as I can be. I wanted to be doing something again. There was not enough to distract me at Skyhold; it left me far too much time to dwell especially with everyone walking on eggshells around me. We are pushing hard to reach Caer Oswin so by the time we camp for the night, I am exhausted enough that I fall asleep almost immediately. Of course, there are still dreams, but I’m coming to the conclusion that I may never sleep restfully again. The price of power, I suppose._

_I won’t tell you not to worry this time, Cullen, and I won’t tell you that I don’t struggle. But I must go on. No matter how my heart aches, I cannot discard my responsibilities._

_Myrlana Lavellan could mourn the death of her people, but the Inquisitor does not have that luxury._

_I will write, I promise. Be well while I’m away, my lion. I will need you when I return._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

It grieved me to read you last letter. You are the Inquisitor, yes, but you have the right to mourn as well. You have helped so many that none of those who know you would ever begrudge you the time you need. It is not weakness, my lady. But if you feel that what you need to be is out and doing things again, I do understand that. I just don’t want to see you lose Myrlana to your grief. It is Myrlana’s strength and courage and compassion that we all chose to follow as Inquisitor.

I am, of course, here for whatever you need. If there’s anything I can do, please tell me what it is. Even if I did not care for you as I do, I would still owe you everything for the compassion and forgiveness you showed me regarding my own struggles with lyrium.

I await your return.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_We should reach Caer Oswin sometime tomorrow. I hope that what we find gives Cassandra peace and that there isn’t just more tragedy. I’m coming to expect the worst, however. Even when we strike a victory, it seems as if something else is always made worse to compensate._

_I thank you for your compassion, but I think you’re wrong. I do not have the right to mourn, not now. Hiding from my duties so I can wallow in my grief only means more pain for others. How can I justify that? If a red templar kills someone while I’ve locked myself in my room to bawl then that is on my head. Others may not begrudge me that time, but I could never forgive myself for it. And that is why the Inquisitor is different from Myrlana. I never truly realized that until now, but it’s true._

_Perhaps I should not have been so hard on you for using my title when I first became Inquisitor. I did not realize back then what it meant to be Inquisitor. I thought it was just a name that I could ignore when I wished like “Herald of Andraste”. I did not see it as an identity; Myrlana Lavellan was my identity, and I did not want to lose that to the Inquisition. I know better now, and that knowledge saddens me. Don’t mistake me, Cullen, there is no regret; I would make the same decisions over again even knowing what I know now. But even without regret, there is sorrow for my loss. I know that’s selfish. I just told you I had no right to grieve for my kin, but here I am grieving for myself._

_I do wish I could lay my clan to rest, however. I know it’s impossible; they are too far away. I’m sure the bodies have already been burned. Perhaps it would have helped to bury them in Dalish custom. But perhaps not. They’d still be gone, and it would still be my responsibility._

_I do miss you, vhenan,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Please don’t lose yourself, Myrlana! Yes, you are the Inquisitor, but it is the things that were part of you even before we ever met that make you the person we follow. Your strength comes from who you are, not from any title or responsibilities given to you. Please.

And if not for Thedas’ sake, perhaps you will listen for mine. I know you care for me, as little as I may deserve your affection. Losing you this way would be torture for me.

Allow yourself to grieve, dear lady. I know it hurts though I cannot pretend to know what it’s like for you, but remember there are still people that care about you. Not just the Inquisitor or the Herald but you, Myrlana Lavellan.

Perhaps there is something that could be done here at Skyhold for your clan. What rites do the Dalish perform? Is there some small part of that we could do for you? You mentioned to me before that when one of your hunters fell, the others would go off for a night to be together and tell stories. Even if we cannot lay your people to rest in the Dalish way, perhaps something like that could be done? If there is some way to give you even a small measure of peace, I will ensure it happens.

Yours forever,  
Cullen

\---

Cassandra,

I debated writing you because I know that whatever the outcome at Caer Oswin, you are likely distracted. However, I really think I must. I asked the Inquisitor to write to me often, but I haven’t received a letter from her recently. Considering recent events, this has me concerned.

Please could you let me know how she’s doing? And I don’t just mean whether or not she’s injured. Her state of mind has been obviously affected by recent events, and I worry that she won’t recover, that she’ll change. If she needs our help, we need to do whatever we can. She’s too important to Thedas for anything less. And I think you know that she’s too important to me personally as well.

I pray you were able to find some answers about the Seekers at Caer Oswin, and I hope that those answers were better than you feared they would be.

Please respond quickly.

Commander Cullen

\---

Curly,

I swiped the Seeker’s mail. She’s been staring at a blank piece of parchment all evening trying to decide what to write to you so I decided to save her the effort.

I won’t lie to you, Curly, things aren’t great. You’re right to worry. Our Peony has been in a funk the whole time we’ve been away. I suppose a stranger might think she’s fine, a bit of a hardass, but fine. She doesn’t mope or cry or even get angry. She’s been so focused on the task at hand, pushing us to ride hard and fight harder. The only time she talks is to give an order. Usually there’s jokes and laughter and storytelling or long discussions on morality or history as we travel. The silence is creepy.

It didn’t help that it wasn’t good news with the Seekers either. I’ll spare you the details, but our dear Lady Seeker heard and saw some things that pissed her off. Usually it’d be Peony trying to cheer her up, but she’s not doing it. I certainly won’t attempt it; I like my head where it is.

I think you’re going to have to do something when we get back to Skyhold, Curly. Get Peony away from everything for a bit so she can stop being Inquisitor. I’m not sure how you’ll arrange that, but I’m sure you’ll think of something.

We’ll get her back to you safely. The rest is up to you.

Varric

\---

Varric,

I greatly appreciate your response even though it doesn’t make me any less concerned. I agree that she needs to be away from her duties for a bit, and I’ve already informed Leliana and Josephine that I will be taking her away once she returns. They are both supportive despite how much there is to do right now.

Please keep an eye on her for me? And perhaps ask her to write to me. Thank you, Varric.

Cullen

P.S. You don’t ever refer to Myrlana as “Peony” here at Skyhold. I didn’t realize you’d given her the nickname. You know she’s allergic to those, don’t you?

\---

Curly,

I’ve asked her to write. She went off by herself with her parchment and ink this evening so I assume she is fulfilling your request. She looked terribly guilty when I mentioned it. I was almost relieved to see the emotion. She’s been to mechanical recently.

And yes, I knew she was allergic to peonies even before you sent her that bouquet and sent her into a sneezing fit. Did you know she keeps a single petal pressed from that bouquet among her things? Luckily it’s lost its power to make her sneeze. I picked the name because peonies are the flower of good fortune and honor. Good fortune is something the Inquisitor desperately needs (and considering her uncanny ability to survive the impossible, perhaps she already has it...sort of) and honor is something she certainly possesses in abundance (something you two have in common, a match made by the Maker).

As for why you’ve never heard the name before… You need to come by the tavern more often. Ruffles won’t let me speak to our dear Inquisitor with such irreverence in the Great Hall, and since I’m fairly certain she could ruin my writing career with a single letter, I take her wishes quite seriously.

We’re still pushing hard so we should arrive back at Skyhold soon.

Varric

\---

_Cullen,_

_Varric tells me that you are worried and that I should write to you, and I did promise. I am sorry. It seems that I am not keeping my promises very well lately._

_We are on our way back from Caer Oswin. It was worse than I’d feared. There was no one there we could save. I watched Cassandra cut the throat of a young Seeker she’d mentored in order to end his agony at the hands of Lord Seeker Lucius. It was demons and red templars again plus an end of the world cult just to make things that much worse._

_The Lord Seeker made a deal with an envy demon. In fact, it was the envy demon wearing the Lord Seeker’s face that I met in Val Royeaux so long ago. If only I’d know then, I could have taken off his head and been done with him._

_I’m just so tired, Cullen. So tired of pain and tragedy. So tired of seeing things that ought to be good and strong become twisted and corrupted. I look into the future and I see death and darkness. Everyone tells me that I am Thedas’ greatest source of hope, but where is my hope?_

_We should be back at Skyhold soon._

_Until then,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Oh thank the Maker you finally wrote.

I am sorry to hear that the outcome of you mission was so unhappy. Hopefully, Cassandra will eventually find her peace. Please would you tell her that I am sorry, and she deserved better?

Knowing you are almost home brings me comfort. I will wait to see you to say anything more.

Yours,  
Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, it's been a while! I was on vacation and then today I started a new job! So there's been a lot going on. Due to said new job, updates might be a little slower than normal, at least until I get into the groove at my new position.
> 
> When I did this playthrough, I chose to send soldiers to Wycome, and the Lavellan clan died, and I decided that decision would remain as part of her story. The game didn't give any of the emotional fallout from that, but obviously it would hit her hard.
> 
> And yes, I finally decided she needed a Varric nickname, and I though it'd be funny if he named her after the flower she's allergic to. I decided a flower name was appropriate since he seems to pick those for the lady elves (Merrill/Daisy and Sera/Buttercup).
> 
> I also wrote a piece called [A Report from Wycome](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4343003) about when Myrlana first finds out about what happened if you care to read it.
> 
> Thanks for reading!


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana feels terribly guilty for fighting yet another dragon, and Cullen contains his protective instincts.

_(A note attached to a pot containing an oak sapling.)_

Myrlana,

I talked to Minaeve about the rites for the dead practiced by the Dalish clans. She told me that a tree is planted over the grave of the fallen. I know we do not have the remains of those from your clan, but I thought perhaps you might wish to plant a tree here in Skyhold as a way of remembering your people. It isn’t much.

I apologize if I’ve overstepped or offended you with this offer. Know that I only wish to help in any way I can..

It was good to see you smile when we were at the lake, my darling. I hope to bring that smile back to your face more regularly.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Thank you. I have no words for how much I appreciate that. It isn’t the same, it never could be the same, as truly laying them to rest the way they should be, but it is still something. I will plant that tree, and there will be a place at Skyhold that remembers Clan Lavellan._

_And thank you for taking me to that lake. It was good to smile again, to remember the good things. I’m glad you were able to tear yourself away from your work for a little while. And it felt like I got to share a small piece of your childhood even though I didn’t know you then. I hope we can go there again. After all, you once promised to teach me to swim, and I can’t think of a better place for that._

_Sadly, planting the tree will have to wait as Vivienne has convinced me to go wyvern hunting (she needs the heart of a specific breed for her alchemy). It seems the Inquisitor’s to-do list never gets any shorter._

_I will return as soon as I can, and I apologize that I couldn’t stay longer. I miss you._

_Be well, my lion,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I don’t like that you had to go away again so soon, and I’m not the only one. Josephine is grumbling about some visiting Nevarran noble she wants you to meet. I’m sure Cassandra is wishing you’d taken her with you so she could avoid the meeting. He’s one of her many distant relations, and we both know how that makes her feel. She tried to hide, but Josephine anticipated that and had one of Leliana’s people follow her. It was actually quite entertaining to watch the whole game.

But truly, my lady, return soon. Or perhaps turn around now. Surely Madame Vivienne could find someone else to go on this quixotic hunt of hers? She certainly has the connections. There’s no need to endanger you, and there are certainly enough other matters that demand your attention.

I wish you’d taken my luck token at the lake. But then, I also appreciate your reasons for not. Since the only luck I desire anymore is to be lucky enough to hold you again, perhaps it is better that I carry it.

Still, I wish you good luck on your journey.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_If you frown too much, you’ll get wrinkles all over that handsome face. You can’t have me all to yourself. You must learn to share, vhenan. (Yes, yes, you mentioned Josephine, but I know that was just a ruse; you don’t really care that I’m disappointing her with my absence.)_

_I am sure that Vivienne could send someone else to complete this task for her, but I couldn’t refuse her the favor. She and I may not see eye to eye on almost anything, but I respect her enormously and was honored that she felt she could trust me to help. Besides, you didn’t see the look in her eyes when she made her request. This is more important to her than she will ever admit. Something about this alchemy she’s working on is very close to her heart._

_Missing you already, vhenan…_

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

It is good to hear the humor restored to your letters. Things have been so grim recently, and it makes me happy to know that your spirits are recovering. I admit, reading letters like your last make me smile. I’ve kept every single one you’ve written to me, and I read them over when I feel especially lonely for you or when I have trouble sleeping. Their words are no replacement for your presence, of course, but I take comfort where I can.

I am honored that you wish for my presence when you plant the tree for your people. While I wish I could protect you from the pain of mourning, I know that is not possible. Instead know that I will always be there to provide what comfort I can.

I will take your word about Madame Vivienne’s motivations. She and I have a cordial relationship though we do not talk about topics outside of professional concerns. My impression is that she is a hard woman to get to know personally though if anyone can manage it, it’s you. You are quite disarming, my lady.

We just received a report from the scouts posted near the fens you’re traveling to. They report seeing a dragon flying over the northern part of the fens. The Iron Bull is sulking since he wasn’t able to come with you this time. Be careful, Myrlana! Killing the wyvern is enough monster slaying for one excursion. Leave the dragon alone! Unlike the situation in the Hinterlands, there have been no reports of this dragon attacking any people in the area.

Come back to me (in one piece), my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_You aren’t the only one that finds Vivienne hard to get to know. Any power I have to disarm you does not translate to her. And with our wildly divergent opinions about magic, our conversations are generally more in the form of debates. They are always polite, well-reasoned debates, and I generally enjoy them and learn a lot, but we are not exactly swapping confidences. This wyvern hunt is as close as we’ve come._

_Did you really keep every letter? Even the early ones? Those were quite business-like and impersonal if I recall: all updates about conditions and requests for aid._

_Sadly a few of your letters to me have been ruined or lost but only a few. I’ve kept all those I could. They’re in a box on the desk in my room. It’s a beautiful box that was given to me by Empress Celene. The style is more elaborate than I generally prefer, but the lid has a jade inset carved to look like a roaring lion. I assume it’s meant to allude to the House of Valmont, but I admit, for me, there is only one lion, and he is certainly not Orlesian._

_I envy your ability to peruse my letters. I leave yours behind. While I would love to read them during my travels, I don’t want to risk something happening to them while I’m out here. Those pieces of paper are far more important to me than any gold or jewels could ever be. And so I must make do with whatever you send me during the time I’m gone._

_I will keep an eye out for the dragon. Contrary to what you seem to believe, I don’t actually enjoy fighting them, and I especially don’t enjoy putting my companions in danger. I promise to be cautious._

_Tomorrow we begin our wyvern hunt. Andruil grant it’s a swift one._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I am glad that you have no plans to confront the dragon though I hope you’ll forgive me if I don’t believe you’ll actually refrain from fighting it until you’ve come home safely.

And yes, I have kept every letter you sent even the most impersonal ones. I remember putting you early letters aside to save and justifying it by telling myself that it might be useful to keep a record of what you were up to. But really even then I found myself drawn to you though I would never have admitted that to anyone, myself included..

I hope to hear back from you that the wyvern hunt went well and you are on your way back.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I’m flattered that you noticed me so early whether you admitted it or not. I recall being almost angry with you sometimes when we first met. How dare this shemlen be so handsome and good? I was trying very hard to be wary of this whole Inquisition business, but you made it difficult to maintain my suspicion, my lion. How long was it for you? Before you admitted anything to yourself, I mean?_

_But back to the matter at hand. The wyvern hunt went very well. No injuries to report from that. The dragon fight went less well, however. I admit the earlier frivolity in this letter may have been an attempt to distract you._

_I know, I know! I said I would avoid her, but it turns out I couldn’t. We wound up tromping right through her territory though we didn’t mean to. And that may have been my fault. There was a statue of Fen’Harel I wanted to look at but as we were traveling from there back to camp, we took the most direct route across the fens rather than retracing our steps. Unfortunately, the dragon noticed our passage and took exception. I’m sure the Dread Wolf appreciates the situation, now that I think about it._

_We will be taking things slow on the way back. None of us are in serious danger but none of us are unscathed either. Well, except Vivienne. Her robes are singed to the point of ruin, but I’m convinced she would have disposed of them anyway after our trek through the fens. It smelled better than the fallow Mire, but we were no less wet and muddy._

_Before you go into a panic, however, know that I will heal. I may have a couple new scars is all._

_And Creators, I never want to fight another lightning dragon ever again! Especially not one in the middle of a body of water! There were times during the fight where it was either stand in the way of a swiping claw or dodge into the water and be electrocuted._

_I am sorry, Cullen. Please know, I don’t mean to hurt you._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Curly,

I know what your likely reaction Peony’s antics will be, but go easy on her. She’s already beating herself up about putting us all in danger and getting us hurt. She’s feeling especially responsible and doesn’t want to cause anyone’s death (especially not after what happened with her clan). So maybe give the worried tirade a rest.

Think about it.

Varric

\---

Myrlana,

I am relieved to hear you will recover. I’m sorry that your journey to the fens turned so treacherous.

You can’t blame yourself for your companions’ injuries. You are a skilled warrior but so are they. They know the risks, but they also know the value of their skills.

Be safe on your journey home. And try not to injure yourself further.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

Varric,

You are right, of course. I tend to let my emotions get the better of me when it comes to the Inquisitor, but I took your advice and did not berate her for putting herself in needless danger. Though you have to admit, she has a habit of doing just that.

But that means I need you to tell me how she is and how the rest of your travelling party fares.

And don’t let her get into any more trouble!

Cullen

\---

Cullen,

Easy Curly, don’t tear out your hair. The Inquisitor is rather fond of it, I hear.

As for injuries… Well, I won’t sugar coat it: she got beat up pretty bad. The healers say she’ll recover fully, however, as long as she takes it easy on the journey back to Skyhold. The Iron Lady has been very adept at making her rest and follow the healers’ injunctions.

The rest of the party (myself included) did not fare particularly well either, but we’ll be alright. Cole is actually probably the worst off, but that’s because the Kid is more concerned with fussing over everyone else than letting the healers tend him. Plus, they keep forgetting about him. I’ve had to drag one over to help him on more than one occasion. I even saw the Iron Lady scold one of them for his absent mindedness; there’s something I never thought I’d see.

Really though, you’d have been amazed by your lady love though. We didn’t realize how bad her injuries were until the fight was over. She didn’t seem to notice her wounds, she just fought harder. Probably a good thing the fight didn’t last any longer.

Now remember, she’s recovering just fine so don’t get crazy on me, Curly.

Varric

\---

_Cullen,_

_Are you ok? Have you been getting enough sleep? Did you get smacked on the head during a sparring match? Because this calm, reassuring response to me nearly getting myself killed is quite out of character. How am I supposed to know you care if I don’t even get a single “Maker’s breath, Myrlana!” out of you? Maybe you’re saving it up for when you see me in person? Not very chivalrous of you. At least in writing I can defend myself. My current state makes me even less imposing than usual in person. Not that I ever seem very physically imposing outside of battle. I mean, I don’t even come up to you shoulder._

_Wait, did Varric say something? He got a letter from the last messenger too. Let me guess, he told you to go easy on me so I wouldn’t blame myself for what happened. Oh, Varric. He means well, but honestly part of me wanted you to be angry with me. It was my fault after all. I’m in charge, and I should have been more cautious._

_Besides your worried anger makes me think of the first time I went off to fight a dragon, and you finally lost your proper manners and treated me like myself instead of some mythical Herald._

_But of course, I appreciate your sweet, supportive words as well._

_And now I’m sending this letter off. I’m so sleepy all the time that writing for too long is rather hard…_

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

You want me to scold you? Well, you shall be disappointed. I refuse to help you blame yourself, and I must sincerely apologize if any of my previous outbursts ever made you feel such. And if you can only tell I care about you when I’m worried, then I must work harder to show my regard. The failing is mine, my lady, not yours.

Of course I want you to be cautious. I’m a selfish man that doesn’t want to lose the best thing that’s ever happened to him. However, I also understand the perils your duty requires you to face, Myrlana. I will never ask you to ignore you duty for me, and if I do, it’ll mean I’ve changed into a man that could never even begin to deserve you.

Do not doubt yourself over this whole affair with the dragon. You are strong and capable and brave and inspiring. You are the best we could ever hope for as Inquisitor, and you are far more incredible than any woman I’d ever thought I’d meet.

All I can ask is that you remain yourself. I will pray to Andraste that she preserve you and lead you home to me.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. And maybe I will also ask that the next time you stumble into a dragon’s territory, you consider _running away._

\---

_Cullen,_

_Ah ha! There he is! I’ll have you know that running away was not an option. I mentioned the water, right? And that it was a lightning dragon? Even without the electrocution danger, slogging through the water would have slowed our escape too much._

_But thank you Cullen. I believe I appreciate these words even more than your little outbursts (though I still find those entertaining, especially when you start swearing). I will treasure that last letter especially._

_Now despite our snail’s pace, we should be home soon so you can say sweet things to me in person and judge my wounds for yourself rather than rely on the word of an overly dramatic dwarf._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, I finally got this chapter finished and edited. I've been working on it forever. It was just so long. It's still long compared to other chapters, but wow, it used to be way longer. And I hate cutting stuff so it took me forever to get the motivation to edit this. Hopefully, there won't be another time gap between chapters that long again. Thank you so much to everyone who reads this story. I appreciate all of you!


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana ruins a qunari treaty and races to Val Royeaux because of an execution.

_Cullen,_

_Now will you get the hole in the ceiling fixed? I’m told it’s going to be a wet autumn this year, and you know how I feel about getting rained on._

_Did anyone comment on mess in your office? I feel a bit guilty about breaking that bottle. Cleaning up broken glass is treacherous, and I would hate for one of the servants to get hurt because they didn’t know the glass was there._

_Wish me luck on my diplomatic mission to the qunari. All my diplomacy seems to involve me hunting venatori; first it was the Winter Palace and now at the coast. Josephine is terribly disappointed. She says treaty negotiations should not involve so many sharp objects. When I mentioned how perilous the Game is in Orlais, she conceded the point but she was still grumbling about how at least Orlesians are neater; less risk of bloodstains._

_I love you, Cullen. I will return soon. May every morning bring you memories of this one so that your days are not so dark._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

This morning would have been better if you’d stayed. But I admit, waking up to find the woman I love telling me she loves me too certainly made this morning one I will treasure. Promise that next time you’ll linger?

Good luck with the qunari. Remember that they aren’t all like the Iron Bull. In fact, none of the ones I crossed paths with in Kirkwall were anything like him. Those were serious and somber at all times, and my guess is that any you meet with on this mission will be more like them and less like our large mercenary captain.

Come back soon. I love you.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Good news: We killed some venatori and the Chargers are all alive. Bad news: There is no qunari alliance, and I’m entirely responsible for making Bull Tal’Vashoth._

_We set up an ambush but it went wrong. The Chargers would have all died if I hadn’t ordered Bull to call the retreat. But that left the qunari dreadnought vulnerable. The venatori mages blew it up. It seems I can only make or break alliances in spectacular fashion._

_The worst part of it all is Bull. He is an excellent actor, putting on a show for his Chargers, but you can see it in his eyes. He’s Tal’Vashoth now, and it terrifies him. Krem noticed it too, and we’re keeping an eye on him. I hope he forgives me. If it were me, I would never have been able to forgive myself for letting my company die, but Bull isn’t me. Maybe he really is more loyal to the Qun than to the Chargers, and I just made a decision for him that will make him hate himself for the rest of his life._

_There are days when wielding the power of the Inquisition brings me such fulfillment, when I know I am doing good. Then there are days like today when all my choices are as grey as the sky and as muddy as the ground here on the coast._

_Ah, vhenan, at least I have you to come home to._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Bull will forgive you, if he even blames you at all. You may have ordered him to call the retreat, but he didn’t have to obey you. Do you really believe The Iron Bull would ever go along with something he didn’t agree with? Especially something so fundamental to his identity? No, Myrlana, he will never hate you for this. You made a choice, yes, but so did he. As for how he feels about himself, that’s more than I can say. But he is resilient and confident, and I believe he will recover.

I am relieved that your excursion seems to have been a quick one so you will be home soon unlike your last jaunt. Unless you ran into another dragon. You didn’t, did you?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Well, actually… I’m sorry! But Crestwood was on the way, and the village has been complaining about the dragon there attacking livestock and disrupting trade (which also disrupts Leliana’s spying, apparently). And it was another lightning dragon, but there wasn’t water everywhere this time so actually it was a fairly straightforward fight, and we had the Chargers with us for extra support. Only minor injuries, I promise._

_Plus, it cheered up Bull immensely. He sawed off the tip of one of its horns to make a drinking horn. Just for that it was worth it to me._

_And I’m sure you’re right that he forgives me for my order or at least I know in my head that you are, but my heart still worries. I suppose that is the danger of friends, yes? You worry about them. Lovers too, now that I think about it. I am heartily sorry for all the worry I cause you. Not that I can promise not to do it again, but I am sorry._

_I will see you soon. I promise not to stop for any more dragons._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Maker’s Breath! I was joking about the dragon, Myrlana! It is a relief that the Chargers were with you, however. Perhaps that is a lesson for the future; since it’s obvious you will never avoid fighting a dragon, maybe you could just remember to bring a mercenary company with you when you do?

You’d better not stop for anything else on your way back, dragon or otherwise. I’ve missed you too much. I’ve already braved Leliana and Josephine’s objections (and teasing) by telling them that you are mine when you get back. The rest of Thedas can monopolize your time the day after your return.

I love you.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_My, my, how commanding of you, my lion._

_Is your roof fixed, yet? If not, perhaps we could meet in my chamber instead. I love you but not enough to risk exposure to the elements. I get enough of that travelling._

_I will see you soon._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

What happened? You told me to go to back to sleep while you got rid of whoever dared knock on your door this morning. You looked so ticked off, I didn’t dare disobey. But then I woke up later, and you were gone. Leliana says you went haring off to Val Royeaux (alone!) and that it has something to do with Blackwall. He’s missing? Couldn’t you have woken me up?

Is it too much to ask for one morning where we wake up together?

Maker, I hope you’re all right.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

Myrlana,

I’m actually starting to worry now. And since you didn’t bring anybody with you, there’s no one else I can check with.

Leliana said this has to do with Blackwall disappearing and a report about a criminal hanging in Val Royeaux. I have no idea how those things are related, and Leliana either couldn’t or wouldn’t add any more details. All I do know is that you aren’t here, and I don’t know where you are, what you’re doing or even if you’re alright.

This sounds serious. Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? That isn’t like you unless you’re pulling a prank. Which this isn’t.

Blast it all! I’m coming after you.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Oh Creators, I’m sorry, Cullen. I didn’t mean to make you worry. I wasn’t thinking. I swear to you that I’m alright though._

_It was Cassandra at the door that morning. She told me that she was supposed to spar with Blackwall but that he was gone and no one knew where. I didn’t think it would be a big thing so I let you sleep. I know you get so little of it normally (don’t deny it). Besides you looked so peaceful and handsome, I just couldn’t disturb you. I thought I’d go see what the fuss was and be back before you woke._

_Well, it turns out Blackwall (though that isn’t his name) was missing but one of Leliana’s people found a report from her spy network near his cot. It was just a routine message about Val Royeaux that mentioned the hanging of a soldier charged with involvement in the deaths of an Orlesian noble and his whole family several years ago._

_I was mystified about what this could possibly have to do with Blackwall, but the scheduled date of the execution meant I had to leave immediately to get there before it happened even if I didn’t understand the connection._

_Once here it all made sense. I’ve never met the man named Blackwall, Cullen. It was all a lie. The man I recruited in the Hinterlands, the man who became my trusted companion and a shield at my back, his name’s Thom Rainier, a former captain in the Orlesian army...and a murderer. He ordered his men under false pretense to kill a nobleman and his entire family all for some gold. He has the blood of children on his hands! He came to stop the hanging of one of his former subordinates, to take the blame. And now he’s sitting in a cell awaiting his own execution, and I don’t know what to do._

_He’s my friend. A man I’ve trusted both on and off the battlefield who has saved my life countless times. When we first met, he caught an arrow on his shield to keep it from hitting me. Never once did I question his honor or his morals. He was the epitome of a Grey Warden; a man that would stand against the darkness no matter the cost._

_So what do I do now that I know he was never that man? How do I weigh his actions while among the Inquisition against the severity of his lie and his past crimes? Oh Cullen, I hope you really are coming after me. I need you._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Yes, my love. I really am coming. I will be with you soon.

Yours,  
Cullen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot how emotional I found Blackwall's revelation the first time I played DAI until I was writing this chapter. Sometimes I feel like I tend to focus on the romantic relationships in my writing and forget how compelling I find the friendships.
> 
> Sorry again for the long wait... Honestly, I wish my life would just _calm down_ already. Thank you for all you lovely people that are sticking with me on this!


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana distracts herself from thinking about the complex and distressing issue of Blackwall/Thom Rainier by fighting red templars.

_Cullen,_

_I wish I could have stayed in Val Royeaux with you then travelled back to Skyhold together. But Josephine was right that I should probably try to distance myself from the situation a little bit, and you were right that I should get away and clear my head._

_I can’t stop worrying about it though. Not too long ago when I was at the Storm Coast with Bull I was lamenting the power I have over people’s lives and wishing I could give it back. But then I just turned around and used my position as Inquisitor to get a man, a murderer, out of prison. All because he was once my friend (was he? is he still?). What right do I have to use my power so selfishly? What right do I have to potentially tarnish the reputation you have all worked so hard to build? I keep asking myself these questions and the only answer is that I don’t have that right._

_But then I think of ~~Blackwall~~ Thom Rainier, and I can’t leave him to die like that. At some point our actions weigh more than our words, and while he lied with every word he spoke, his actions did not. He became the man he wanted to be. Not completely, but he tried. And so, letting him die only as Thom Rainier would be to ignore all of that. Then again, perhaps this is just me trying to justify favoritism shown to a man I considered a friend._

_But now I must attempt to focus elsewhere. There are red templars in Emprise du Lion that need to be dealt with. That is a straightforward problem._

_Thank you for coming to Val Royeaux, Cullen. I needed you. I always need you, of course, but it was especially true then. So truly, thank you, ma’arlath. You always manage to make me feel stronger, able to meet my responsibilities._

_I love you._

_Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

The problem of Blackwall is certainly a thorny one, but I believe you will find an answer. Perhaps not a good one, for those don’t always exist, but I know you will find the best answer you can. After watching you lead this Inquisition all this time, I cannot believe that you would use your power for purely selfish reasons. Considering how long he has spent with the Inquisition, I believe you have the right to pass your own judgement on Thom Rainier as the Inquisitor not just as Myrlana. You are not taking advantage.

I too wish I could have stayed by your side. The Inquisition may be what brought us together, but it is also what causes our separations. But I have faith that you will weather this.

I am back at Skyhold now having escorted Rainier here. That was certainly not a very pleasant journey, but I won’t worry you with the details. Instead, I have some news from home that may lighten your mood. Earlier this morning, I was interrupted by a rather loud boom. It turns out that one of our arcanist’s experiments got a little out of hand. Don’t worry, no one was injured. Unless you count Dagna’s eyebrows; they were seared completely off. I had to leave the undercroft so I wouldn’t start laughing right there. I blame you for this mishap; you encourage her shamelessly.

Take care in Emprise, my lady. The red templars may be a straightforward problem, but that doesn’t mean they can’t kill you. And remember, I am always here for you.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. Ma’arlath? Actually, I can guess. I’ve seen one part “lath” come up before in your letters. Sneaky elf, telling me you loved me for so long.

\---

_Cullen,_

_Your faith in me is always comforting, vhenan. I must say I’m relieved that I can put off any decisions about Rainier until I return to Skyhold. That may be a cowardly thing to admit, but it’s true._

_As for Dagna, you know she doesn’t actually need encouragement, Cullen. I will not apologize for any enabling since she’s so incredibly useful, and, in fact, I believe I’m more of a moderating influence. Allowing her to perform her more reasonable experiments prevents her from doing anything truly insane. I am glad to hear that no one was hurt, however._

_Do you think her eyebrows will have grown back by the time I return? I’m sort of hoping not. I’m sure it would make me smile to see her in that state._

_I could use the smile too. Emprise du Lion may be a distraction from some of my worries, but it has provided new worries all its own. Sahrnia is suffering, and the red templars have really taken over. There is red lyrium absolutely everywhere. There’s also a former chevalier here that claims a very dangerous demon is loose and holed up at an Elven keep (called Suledin, and it has earned the name Endure, it’s quite old. I hate knowing it’s crawling with demons and red templars)._

_And if all that wasn’t enough, it’s absolutely frigid here. I don’t even remember what it feels like to be warm anymore. Sleeping for more than a few hours in such weather is nearly impossible. Tents, no matter how well-made, are not designed for temperatures this low. Poor Dorian is suffering the worst, or at least, he’s suffering the most vocally. Bull seems mostly unfazed though he did finally bow to the elements enough to put on a shirt._

_Tomorrow we fight our way to the mines…_

_With love,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. Ah, you’ve found out my secret. Yes, ma’arlath means “my love”. Clever man to work it out._

\---

Myrlana,

Your reports about the red lyrium in the area are definitely concerning. Where is it all coming from? I also worry for all the people there considering the amount of exposure to the stuff they’re having. And you? Are you feeling the effects of the red lyrium? The stuff is not to be trifled with. Knight-Commander Meredith was only exposed to a small amount, but it was enough. I don’t want to lose you, especially not that way. I hope you won’t need to be there too long.

I believe Dorian is just begging for sympathy. I happen to know that he is very good with his fire glyphs. We’ve had a few games of chess in the garden on chillier days, and he’s used his skills to make a little pocket of warmth for himself. So don’t believe his whining. I certainly believe you’re cold, however. You’re always a bit chilled when you come to bed at Skyhold so I can imagine it must be worse there. If only I were there to keep you warm…

As for Dagna’s eyebrows, they will probably have regrown enough by the time you return to not look so silly anymore. I’m told dwarven facial hair (of all sorts) grows quickly. But I’m sure that she’ll burn them off again; it’s only a matter of time really.

I love you,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_That traitorous shem! I let Dorian know I was on to him, and he didn’t even look ashamed of himself. He admitted to using his magic to keep himself warm but said that he is still allowed to complain because all the effort it takes him to ensure his comfort. I told him I was sleeping in his tent from now on. He clutched his hand to his heart and asked what you’d say. I told him you would order him to make sure I didn’t freeze to death._

_I would much prefer for you to keep me warm though. It would certainly be much more fun. In all seriousness, I never thought I would feel so lonely without a specific person. Here I am, wandering about Southern Thedas with people that have become my close friends. And yet, I really just want you to be here with me._

_I am very disappointed about Dagna’s eyebrows. If she does burn them off again, they will have lost their novelty for everyone else so who will I share the joke with? It’s not fair! That’s it! I give up. You can find someone else to be Inquisitor! While you’re at it, find someone else to command the army. That way I can kidnap you and we can go off somewhere secluded where no one can bother us or ask me to save the world for them._

_If only I could… At least we seem to be cutting a swath through the red templars here. Hopefully it won’t be too much longer before we actually get past their patrols and into the mines they’ve taken over._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. I heard from Josephine that your birthday is coming up. Why didn’t you tell me? I’m not clear on shemlen customs for such things though from what I’ve experienced with my friends, it either involves gifts or a great deal of drinking._

\---

Myrlana,

I’m actually a bit surprised Dorian didn’t share his secret of warming spells with you before I told you. He’s quite fond of you, after all. Actually I think he likes you better than anyone else he’s ever met. If I didn’t know better, I would be jealous considering all of the time you get to spend together; instead I am just envious.

Your plan to run away together has much to recommend it. We could build a little cabin by the lake. I’ll teach you to swim, and you can hunt for our meals. Of course, I hate to ruin this tempting picture, but you are the one with the anchor, and Corypheus has marked you as his enemy. I’m not sure you’d be allowed a peaceful existence until he is defeated. Besides if we ran away, you still wouldn’t be able to see Dagna without her eyebrows. Unless you plan to bring her along.

There is absolutely no need for you to make a fuss about my birthday. I barely mark it anymore. Although when I was a boy, I remember I would run around telling everyone they had to do as I said. My sister Mia never put up with that for long. The best part, however, was the cookies my mother would make. Perhaps it’s just the fond memories coloring my perceptions, but I’ve never tasted anything better than my mother’s cookies. But please, I don’t require any gift from you; you’ve already given me more than I could have ever hoped for.

I do have a gift for you, however. Krem came by my office yesterday as I was reading your letter as he had just returned from the Chargers excursion to tear down Adamant (that went very well, by the way). I suppose I was smiling since he asked me about the letter so I told him about your disappointment regarding Dagna’s eyebrows. A few hours after our meeting he came back with a sketch of our enthusiastic arcanist to send to you. It’s quite good, isn’t it? He told me that it’s always a good idea to keep the one paying the bills happy, but he was also blushing. Perhaps he has a bit of a crush? I can’t blame him, but no matter how much you tell me I need to learn to share your attentions, I refuse to do so with a mere lieutenant.

Stay warm, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I couldn’t stop giggling over that sketch of Dagna! Krem truly is quite an artist.Dwarves look very odd without eyebrows, don’t they? I shall have to think of a way to thank Krem somehow. The laughter he gave us did more for our morale even than Dorian’s warming spells (that might be because he’s stingy with sharing. He enjoys having everyone begging for his help)._

_And if you won’t share me with a lieutenant, I wonder what rank would be required before you yield? I seem to recall you also refusing to share with the King of Ferelden a while back. Of course, with the Empress of Orlais owing me her throne, I think I must outrank everyone in Southern Thedas so really it should be up to me who is of the proper rank to earn my regard. Lucky for you, “Commander” seems about right in my opinion._

_I suppose you’re right about Corypheus and needing to defeat him first. Sometimes I fear that won’t be the end, however. The Inquisition is so large now, and is connected to so much of Thedas, that I wonder what happens when it’s over. Can something like that be put aside? Or will it carry on through pure momentum? If it does, will it still be an organization to respect?_

_Ah, forgive me, I’m worrying about the future again when the present is troubling enough. And after you and Krem went to so much trouble to cheer me up._

_I should be returning soon. I investigated the mines and found more evidence of Samson’s activities. The mines themselves were disturbing and upsetting. Sahrnia’s people were being used to grow lyrium, and it seems Mistress Poulin was complicit. She’s returning with us to Skyhold to face Inquisition justice. It seems I will have more than one judgment to occupy me._

_Despite being loath to sit on my throne again, I am very eager to see you so we are setting a very brisk pace on our return. I didn’t even stop to fight the dragons we saw flying nearby (much to Bull’s disappointment). Mainly that was because the bridge to where they’ve taken up residence needs repair before it’s usable, but also because I miss you and wanted to get back to you faster._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. On an unrelated note, there’s a bridge here that needs to be repaired. We ought to get some of the men to work on that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. It's been a while. Life. What can I say? It happens.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Myrlana plays nanny to an elf, a dwarf, and a spirit boy, and Cullen gets some surprise mail.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm really glad that I managed to get this updated before Christmas! Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it!

_**Thom Rainier,** _

_**In light of your stalwart and honorable service to the cause of the Inquisition and the people of Thedas, you are hereby pardoned of all previous crimes by the authority of Inquisitor Lavellan. This pardon is issued on the condition that you continue your service to the Inquisition at least until the threat posed by Corypheus is resolved. At that point, you will be a free man. This pardon is given without reservation by my own hand.** _

_**Inquisitor Lavellan** _

\---

_Cullen,_

_I’m sorry we barged in on you this afternoon, but you know Cole. He doesn’t have much sense of time. Or privacy. I must say that I at least very much enjoyed watching you change. Why were you changing shirts in the middle of the day anyway?_

_I’m also sorry I had to ride out again so soon. Is Skyhold even really my castle? It certainly hasn’t felt like it lately since I’m never there. Once again, I’m excusing my behavior by blaming Cole. He’s been single-minded about preventing any hostile mages from binding him and since there’s something preventing that amulet Josephine acquired from working, it’s off to figure out why. That’s why we needed those maps. I guess I didn’t really explain before, and Cole was being his usual, cryptic self._

_But at least Redcliffe (where Cole figured we needed to go) is close to the Deep Roads entrance where we’re meeting up with Varric’s friend Bianca. I would’ve been leaving for that little adventure soon anyway so at least I can combine my errands._

_I feel like some kind of nanny on this trip. Solas and Varric won’t stop bickering about what Cole needs while Cole is just frantic about the possibility of being bound. Certainly not the most entertaining company. If this goes on too much longer, I may start knocking heads together. They’d all better hope it doesn’t rain. That’d make me lose my temper for sure._

_Wish me luck. Or perhaps you should be wishing the rest of my travelling party luck. I’ve been told I’m scary when I’m annoyed._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. We didn’t talk about it before I left, but I saw in your eyes: you don’t agree with my decision regarding Blackwall, do you? Be honest, please._

\---

Myrlana,

Your questions about Thom Rainier is difficult to answer. It is not my place, Inquisitor, to argue with your decisions. There is no point in me giving you my opinion when you’ve already handed down your judgment. No matter what else we may be to each other, Myrlana, I am still your general and you are the lady I am sworn to serve. To the woman I love, the partner I have chosen for my life, I could be more candid, but there’s more to who we are than that. I’m sorry. No matter my personal opinions of the man or of your decision regarding him, however, you must know that I support you completely. I would not do anything to undermine what you chose. I respect you and I respect your choices.

But that’s enough seriousness for one letter.

I’ll have you know I often wash up and change shirts after I finish training with the men. Josephine has ordered me out of a few meetings for being an offense to her nose. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with smelling of honest sweat, but I’ll do my part to keep the peace at Skyhold.

As for your apologies and your excuses, my lady, it seems to me that you’ve turned Cole into a very useful scapegoat. I should start blaming my problems on spirits and demons as well.

And take it easy on your traveling companions. I’ve grown strangely fond of Cole and don’t want to see the boy hurt in a fit of your pique. And he’d also be upset if something happened to Solas or Varric so you’ll just have to keep them in one piece. If it were just me to worry about, I’d be up for you taking out your frustrations on the dwarf personally. He keeps asking me questions about our relationship. Very detailed questions. And he’s taken to referencing some of the things you wrote to Hawke on our way to Adamant. You should never have encouraged them; we’ll end up the inspiration for some tawdry romance.

Now, finish your errands quickly, my lady, and come home.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I resent the implication that I blame all of my problems on spirits and demons! After all, I am Dalish, so plenty of my problems can be blamed on the Dread Wolf._

_Cole is oddly engaging, isn’t he? And he only seems to grow more so the more exposure he has to people that actually remember him. He’s still as disconcerting as ever, but I think everyone is even growing accustomed to that._

_As for Varric, there’s nothing I can do about that. You know he’ll write whatever he wants whether it has any relationship to the truth or not. At least if we encourage him to go overboard it’ll be less likely that anyone will believe him. Besides, he says that Swords and Shields barely sells so maybe he won’t be able to get “our” romance published. Leave me my optimistic illusions please!_

_And now I must end this letter. Horsemaster Dennet’s family has invited us to have dinner with them. His wife sends her love to Dennet if you would please pass that message along._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. You would tell me if you thought I was making a truly bad decision, wouldn’t you, Cullen? I rely on your judgment and advice. After all, you are one of my advisors, not just my lover or even just the Commander of my forces. Please? I can’t lead this Inquisition on my own._

\---

Myrlana,

I’m sorry my answer made you doubt me in any way. I only meant that ultimate decisions in this Inquisition have to be yours. I can advise and give you my opinions, but once the decision is made, I can only support you. And I always will support you. Blast these letters! I suppose I’m glad I can keep in contact with you at all when you’re away, but it takes so long, and there’s so much room for misinterpretation.

And even if people don’t believe whatever Varric writes, I still don’t particularly want to be the model for his stories, thank you. The idea of Cassandra enthusiastically devouring anything like that makes my skin crawl, and you know she would. Her enjoyment of Varric’s stories is probably the worst kept secret in Skyhold.

Speaking of secrets and Skyhold, I have news from Leliana to pass on. She believes she’s finally found a way to contact the Hero of Ferelden and asks for you to decide what you’d like to say. I’m a bit surprised it took her this long to find Queen Elissa considering Leliana’s usual competence as well as their friendship. Sometimes I wonder if maybe Leliana wasn’t trying as hard as she might in order to keep her old friend away from this new conflict.

How go your tasks, my lady? Dare I hope you’ve finished up, and I can expect you home?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I suppose I really shouldn’t worry that you won’t voice your opinions or disagreements. After all, look at that situation with Maryden and her rival. I still remember the recommendation you wrote for that one. “No. This is ridiculous.” I laughed for several minutes when I read that one. I kept that particular report. Something to make me smile and remember that no matter how dire the business of the Inquisition gets, there’s still the odd moment of amusement as well._

_And you may be right about Leliana. I certainly wouldn’t blame her for trying to protect her friend. I asked about the Hero of Ferelden once, and Leliana said that the Hero is one of the only people she trusts completely. I understand not wanting to endanger those I love. I’ll compose a letter and send it to Leliana to pass on. It would be wonderful to get the most prominent Grey Warden in Thedas’ opinion on Corypheus. If anyone has a new insight on defeating him, it would be the woman who stopped the last Blight, I would think._

_I hate to break this bad news to you, but I’ve only just dealt with Cole’s rite of passage into adulthood (at least that’s what it felt like) so I still have to go follow Varric into the Deep Roads to meet Bianca. It will still be a while before I’m able to come home. You’re being more insistent I hurry home than usual. Any reason you’re so especially anxious?_

_By the way, Cole should be fine now, I guess. He apparently needed to work through some anger. Varric helped and Solas disapproved. It was certainly a trying experience; one where no matter what decision I made someone close to me was going to be upset about it. I was joking in my earlier letter about feeling like a nanny, but it’s all too true. And now I have to put up with any residual sniping between Solas and Varric while I wander into the deep roads. Sounds fun, right?_

_And now I ought to get going. The squabbling I mentioned has started. Time to go defuse the situation before Solas turns Varric into a paragon sculpture or Varric decides to use the shine on Solas’ head as target practice._

_Will you still love me if I strangle two of my companions?_

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Deep breaths, my lady. I have faith that you will make it through this. Surely you’ve weathered worse. What about that prank war between Sera and Vivienne? Surely if you didn’t manage to take off one of their heads during that ordeal, I think Solas and Varric are safe enough.

Honestly I’m more worried about you going into the Deep Roads, especially since you’ll be investigating red lyrium again. You’ve been exposed to the stuff far more than I’m comfortable with. Please tell me if you begin to feel any ill-effects from the stuff. Perhaps I will ask Varric to keep an eye on you as well. He knows what to look for after what happened in Kirkwall.

In fact, the red lyrium is one reason I am so anxious to have you back here at Skyhold as quickly as possible. I also just miss you. Isn’t that enough? And, well, I was hoping you’d be back in time for… But it doesn’t matter. I don’t want distract you from your task.

I love you (yes, even if you were to strangle Solas or Varric).

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Aha! You’re worried that I won’t be back in time for you birthday! I thought you didn’t care, that birthdays meant little to you anymore? I am sorry that it seems I will miss the day, however. I was hoping to surprise you with a special dinner, just the two of us. But don’t worry, I’ve told Josephine that since I can’t be there, she should make sure you aren’t forgotten. I believe I heard her planning some kind of ball. She mentioned it would be the perfect occasion to invite some nobles she wants to impress to Skyhold...along with their marriageable daughters._

_Oh, Cullen, you can stop looking so horrified now. You know I wouldn’t do any such thing to you. When Josephine mentioned to me before I left that she thought a banquet or some other type of celebration might be called for, I put my foot down and forbade her from planning anything. And for once I think she’ll even listen to me. She gave me this compassionate look that convinced me that she really wouldn’t try anything... at least not until I come back._

_And she knows that she would never be safe from me if she ever planned anything for you involving “marriageable daughters”. I know you would never encourage any of them, but I still don’t want to give anyone (besides myself) an official opportunity to flirt with you. The unofficial opportunities are bad enough._

_Now to send this letter to you. We’re going into the Deep Roads in a few minutes. I’ll write from the other side._

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

_Cullen,_

_You don’t write often enough. I get all of my information about you from Mia, and since you barely write to her, I’m left with only scraps of news about you, my own son. Although I am grateful that at least now we know you’re alive. I pray to Andraste daily that you stay that way._

_However, I’m writing you now not to scold you but to wish you a happy birthday. I am also sending you a batch of cookies. According to a very interesting letter brought to me by an official Inquisition messenger, you miss my cookies. Based on that letter, I have a feeling that your birthday this year will be quite a bit happier than many of your recent ones._

_Be well, Cullen. And cherish the gift of love. I’m proud of you._

_Love,  
Your Mother_

_P.S. Is she pretty? I wasn’t going to ask, but your father is insisting and I am curious. The stories about her don’t say much except that she glows… So? What does she look like?_

\---

Mother,

Thank you for the cookies.

Unfortunately, my work keeps me busy so there isn’t as much time to write as I might wish. Know that I’m doing well. Yes, the Inquisitor has a great deal to do with that.

When you see Mia, tell her that I’m fine and she can stop sending letters every two days asking if I’m still alive.

I’ll try to write more, but I can’t promise.

Love,  
Cullen

P.S. She’s beautiful.

\---

Myrlana,

I can’t believe you wrote to my mother. Thank you for asking for the cookies, but I can’t believe you wrote my mother. Now I’ll never hear the end of it. You think Varric butting into our relationship is bad? It’s nothing to what my sister Mia will do now that you’ve opened communications.

But really, I loved the cookies. I love you. Maker, I don’t deserve you.

Now get back here so I can thank you properly.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I’m on my way home, my lion. I promise._

_I would tell you about what happened in the Deep Roads, but I’ll save that less than pleasant topic for another time. Suffice it to say I’m rather angry at Varric’s “friend” Bianca, though for his sake I’m trying to hide it…_

_But there I go, ranting about my problems to you. Not today! No, today (and all the days from now until after our reunion) is for you. I may have missed your birthday, but I will make up for it._

_What do you wish to do when I return? A party at the tavern? A game of chess? I suggest an entire day where we lock everyone else outside my tower so it’s just the two of us, but I’m open to other suggestions if you insist. It’s your birthday, after all._

_And I would love to meet your family someday. Your mother sent me a lovely note in response to my letter. She was rather formal, but I suppose I can’t blame her. I hope someday she won’t feel so stiff toward me._

_I love you, and I can’t wait to see you._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My beta asked if we would see any of Myrlana's correspondence with Cullen's mother. I originally didn't write it in because it didn't fit the flow of the chapter, but after she said that, I decided to write their exchange anyway and post it here in the notes... I hope you enjoy! (Since, as far as I know, Cullen's mother has not been named, I wrote "Mistress Rutherford". I thought it fit the more formal tone of their letters anyway.)
> 
> ***Myrlana’s note to Cullen’s mother***   
>  _Mistress Rutherford,_
> 
> _I don’t wish to alarm you or make you uncomfortable by writing to you this way, but I have a favor to ask. Let me assure you, your son, Cullen, is just fine. He has, in fact, been a bulwark of strength for me and for the Inquisition as a whole._
> 
> _I’ve come to know your son quite well during our time together in the Inquisition. He is a good man, and I care about him._
> 
> _As I’m sure you’re aware, his birthday is soon. Unfortunately, my duty requires me to be away from Skyhold right now so I won’t be present, but I want to make sure that he has a good day even if I can’t be there to celebrate with him. He told me before that you used to bake him cookies for his birthday so I’m writing you to ask if you would bake some for him this year. My messenger has instructions to wait for your baking if you decide to do so._
> 
> _I hope we can meet someday. Until then…_
> 
> _Sincerely,  
>  Myrlana Lavellan_
> 
> ***Cullen’s Mother’s note to Myrlana***   
>  _Lady Inquisitor,_
> 
> _It’s an honor to receive a letter from you, Your Worship. And it is very kind of you to think of my son’s birthday. It is a comfort to me to know that although he is far from his family, there are people that care for him._
> 
> _I have sent him cookies as requested, Lady Inquisitor, and I have also included my recipe for you. Perhaps one day, he will be fonder of your baking than he is of mine. I wouldn’t be surprised._
> 
> _With gratitude,  
>  Mistress Rutherford_


	20. An Interlude

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cullen realizes that games have consequences and Myrlana convinces him that not all games of Wicked Grace are that bad...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to change the rating for the whole story just because of this chapter, but be warned that this one has **adult sexual content**. If that bothers you, please feel free to skip this chapter. Or you can just skip the bit from Varric (it's pretty obvious which bit that is).
> 
> I do not plan to have content like this in the remainder of the story, and if I do for some reason end up putting more in, I will certainly change the rating at that point.

_*A slip of paper placed beneath Myrlana’s morning mug of tea*_

Why did you think a sparring ring was a good idea, Boss? Couldn’t you have ordered them to be quiet after the late night we had? I suppose it doesn’t matter to you holed up in your tower with that Commander of yours for company.

Speaking of the Commander… I’m guessing you were probably up even later than me. After all, I’m sure you had to console him after his spectacular losses (and everyone else’s gain) during the game.Tell him I was very impressed by his proportions.

But next time, maybe tell everyone to shut up so we can all sleep in a bit. You are in charge around here, after all.

\---

_*A beautifully penned note on fine stationery with the monogram “DP” delivered to the Inquisitor on a silver platter by an amused messenger in a perfectly pressed Inquisition uniform.*_

My dear Myrlana, thank you for including in that incredibly entertaining game last night. Please give your delicious Templar my compliments. If you ever feel like sharing, let me know.

In the meantime, I hope you'll include me in any future games as well. I certainly wouldn’t mind seeing that view again.

 

_*A scrap of paper that appeared tucked into the next page of the book the Inquisitor took out to the garden to read. No one saw who put it there.*_

He turns red, but it’s red like roses and romance and reverence, ravishing red, not red like blood and battle and bad memories. He knows the others saw, but the only seeing that mattered is yours.

\---

_*A few pages inserted into the Inquisitor’s daily reports from Josephine with a note attached.*_

Peony,

I hope Ruffles doesn’t mind me slipping this in here...

Last night proved to be quite the inspiration for me. I decided to write a story based on our game last night. Here’s the first couple of pages. I hope you enjoy it.

Varric

P.S. I’ve sent a copy to Curly, too.

\---

_The Inquisitor smiled at her cards. It was a good hand. She looked up and met her Commander’s eyes over their hands. She knew he could read the triumph in her eyes--he always could read her expressions better than anyone--but knew there was no way he could thwart her. His cheeks went slightly pink at the thought of his imminent defeat._

_She reached out and drew a card and her smile widened._

_“The Angel of Death,” she announced. The Commander sighed and placed his cards on the table. Two serpents, nothing else matching. The Inquisitor threw her own hand down with a flourish. “Four daggers,” she said smugly. “It looks like I win.”_

_“It seems you do,” he answered._

_“Time to pay your forfeit, Ser.”_

_“Couldn’t we do one more hand, my lady?”_

_She smiled with anticipatory glee. “Oh no, I’ve been looking forward to this all night.”_

_“Fine,” he said and stood up. Firelight glowed golden on his skin. All his skin. The Inquisitor’s luck at cards had been especially good that evening so the only clothes her Commander had had left to bet during their last round were his smallclothes. The Inquisitor, on the other hand, had removed her boots and the vest she wore over her shirt but was otherwise presentable._

_The Commander placed his fingers inside the waistband of his smalls and began to slide them slowly down his hips. His confident, sultry motions contrasting with the embarrassed red of his face._

_A small gasp escaped the Inquisitor as her Commander’s member sprang free. He smiled in satisfaction at her reaction and dropped his underclothes to the ground and stepped out of them toward her._

_“Do I meet with your approval, Your Worship?” he purred._

_The Inquisitor rose from her chair looked into his eyes. “Well, everything seems to be in order, Ser Lion, but I can’t be sure without a thorough investigation.” She reached out her hands to run them down his chest, abdomen, and finally she grasped his length firmly with her slim fingers. She stroked him while humming softly with approval._

_Suddenly she dropped her hands and stepped back. “Yes, everything seems to be quite correct, Commander.”_

_His looked at her in disbelief then reached for her. He pulled her flush against him and ground himself against her before lowering his hands to cup her bottom, preparing to lift her up and wrap her legs around his waist._

_But his hands stopped suddenly. Something didn’t feel quite right. He slipped his fingers inside her waistband and found the cards she had concealed there. How she had performed her sleight of hand, he didn’t know, but he did understand now..._

_\---_

_*Scrawled at the bottom of the manuscript*_ That’s all I have so far. What do you think, Your Worship? -Varric

\---

Myrlana,

Stop giving me that look. I am never playing Wicked Grace again. Especially not anywhere near this rabble you call companions.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Pleeeeeeeeease? I enjoyed myself immensely. Surely, if you really loved me, you would take that into consideration. Besides, all I’ve gotten since the game is comments and notes about how magnificent you are, my lion. Surely you enjoy the flattery._

_Eternally devoted to you,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Sweet talk is not going to work this time, my lady. The comments are exactly why I’m not playing again.

I can’t believe that you, the woman that nearly beheads every noblewoman that looks at me, would want me on display to all your friends. Of course I love you, but I don’t love them.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Ah, but I don’t have to worry about any of my friends trying to trap you into marriage. They can enjoy the view without any ulterior motives. And what kind of friend would I be to them if I didn’t share such a masterpiece as you?_

_Fine then, if you won’t play with the whole group, perhaps we could play just the two of us?_

_With love,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Maker’s breath, you read that thing Varric wrote, if you can call that writing, didn’t you? I knew he was going to give you ideas. If I see those pages crop up anywhere else in Thedas, you’re going to have to find a new dwarven storyteller to entertain you.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. On second thought, a game with just the two of us sounds perfect. Know that I’ll be making extra sure you aren’t cheating, however, my lady.

\---

_Cullen,_

_I knew you couldn’t really object to how Varric’s little story turned out._

_Tonight. My chambers. I’ll provide the wine and the cards. You just bring your magnificent self._

_Eagerly yours,  
Myrlana_

\---

_*A folded note tossed at Myrlana during dinner and addressed to Inquisitor Kissy Face*_

You’re making my stomach hurt. Like that time I stole all the blackberry pies except I didn’t get to eat any pies this time. Stop being so flipping syrupy at each other! Or go do it somewhere else.

And why is everyone telling me I missed a great card game last night? I was there! How could I miss something?

Sera

_*At the bottom of the paper is a doodle of Cullen and Myrlana kissing while being swarmed by bees. Scrawled across the doodle in large letters are the words “Fart Sounds”.*_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, this was a fun chapter to write.
> 
> As a side note about the bit Varric wrote, there is more to that chapter. I'm going to post it as a separate (and appropriately rated) piece at some point. It got rather long and was taking over the chapter so I thought a "preview" would work better. Besides, I want to get Myrlana's reaction to the finished product and that wasn't going to work in letter format. Something to look forward to?
> 
> In some ways I see then chapter as a fun departure from the rest of the story (which is why it's titled "An Interlude"). I hope you enjoyed it!


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Cullen makes a huge mistake, and Myrlana takes a stand.

_Cullen,_

_I don’t believe I have ever departed Skyhold with such a light heart. Part of me feels rather guilty about that. After all, our errand is just as grave and serious as any other we’ve embarked on. But the one difference is this time you are accompanying me, and what a difference it is! Although I do wish you would smile a bit. Your grave expression is reminding me that we’re pursuing Samson. I was hoping not to think about it and just enjoy the ride._

_I know we've traveled together before, but there was always so much pressure to be official that any time to be ourselves was stolen just as it is at Skyhold. Now though... The only people around are my closest companions, people with whom formality is only a distant memory. Even though I miss you terribly, I do treasure these times when I’m between places. For a brief time my responsibilities seem, if not lighter, at least more distant._

_So if I’m so comfortable, why am I still writing you a letter instead of just talking to you? Well, you’re brooding. I’m not sure it’s safe to disturb you. I’ll give you a couple hours to realize that we’re free from the restrictions of Skyhold and let the fresh air work its magic on you before I approach._

_Smile, vhenan, enjoy this gift of time._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. Really, my lion, smile. If you don’t, I shall have to kiss that scowl away._

_\---_

_Cullen,_

_I’m starting to worry about you, vhenan. Not only did you not answer my note or even smile, you actually sped up your horse earlier when I came to ride beside you. I know you went off to scout ahead, but Varric could have done that. He’s actually pretty good at it for someone who dislikes the outdoors so much._

_Please talk to me. I’m guessing your black mood has to do with Samson, but I wish you would share your burden with me. I worry._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Seeker,

Can you talk to Curly? This is getting ridiculous. He’s scowling like he used to when I’d see him in the Gallows back in Kirkwall. And Peony looks like she’s ready to either commit murder or cry. I don’t really like the idea of either of those happening. I tried to say something to him, but he just growled and rode away. You might have better luck.

Varric

\---

_Varric,_

_Why are we passing notes?_

_And no, I will not speak to Cullen. He is an adult and capable of dealing with things in his own way. I can’t say I blame him for his mood either. Considering his past with Samson, it’s not hard to understand why he’d be upset. Give him time._

_Cassandra_

\---

Seeker,

We’re passing notes because I don’t think it’d be a good idea for either Curly or Peony to hear us talking about this. That would be awkward and quite probably painful.

And I don’t care whether or not it’s right to interfere. This is getting ridiculous. Do you really want the whole journey to be like this? If you won’t do it for Cullen, do it for our dear leader. She’s tearing herself apart with worry right now.

Varric

\---

_Varric,_

_I suppose you’re right. I’m not sure what I can do, but I’ll try._

_Cassandra_

_\---_

_Cullen,_

_Snap out of it. The Inquisitor is worried sick about you, and I suppose I am too. You may be able able to ignore the looks she’s giving you but if you continue like this, I guarantee you won’t be able to ignore what I do to you._

_If you can’t pull yourself together, at least talk to her. I can see what you’re doing. Whenever you have a problem like this, you avoid telling her. You don’t want to burden her more than she is already. But even if you don’t mean to, your silence does the same. She’s strong, Cullen. Trust in her._

_I suppose you think your preoccupation makes you weak. It does not. And even if you do have a moment of weakness, it does not make you less deserving of friendship or love. She will not think you wanting. So smile at the pretty girl vying for your attention, Commander._

_I will beat you over the head with a club if you don’t._

_Cassandra_

\---

Myrlana,

I’m sorry. Forgive me?

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_You know, I don’t think I will forgive you. Not yet. I’m angry, and I think I have the right to be._

_You ruined my good mood. Of course, that I could forgive, if you had just talked to me. Part of what makes a relationship is actually communicating with one another. If you don’t talk to me about what’s bothering you then I can only conclude that you either don’t trust me or don’t want me to be involved in your life. Either way, I’m upset._

_I love you, Cullen, but I can’t watch you destroy yourself with your dark thoughts. You either have to let me in or… Well, I can’t really bear to think about the alternative, but I’m sure you can guess._

_Make your choice, vhenan, and be ready to show me that you are in earnest._

_Myrlana_

_\---_

_Commander Cullen,_

_A bit of advice, darling. Let the Inquisitor be. This is not something that shall be quickly resolved. In love, just as in war, sometimes it is prudent to regroup. In this case, I think it wise to let her temper cool and let you truly think about how best to resolve your disagreement._

_Yes, yes, it’s uncomfortable for you to be on the outs. But maybe your discomfort will serve as a lesson to you._

_And, if you please, don’t hurt her like this again. I do not approve._

_Best wishes,  
First Enchanter Vivienne_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while. I have been struggling to write anything for quite a while now, but I will finish P.S. Mind the Dragons. It may take me way longer than I ever wanted it to, but it will get done. I love Myrlana too much to ever abandon her.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you enjoyed even if it didn't exactly end on a happy note. To everyone who reads this story, I appreciate every one of you.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen attempts an apology.

_*A sheet of paper, crumpled and shoved to the bottom of a saddlebag.*_

Myrlana,

I’m sorry. I cannot apologize enough for my behavior. I was wrong to keep to myself, and I hope you can forgive me. No, that’s not enough. I beg for

 

_*Another sheet torn into small pieces and scattered to the wind.*_

Myrlana,

I love you, and I’m sorry. Please tell me what I can do so we can move past this. It hurts being away from you, and I know you’re angry and you should be but

 

_*A sheet of paper tossed into the campfire while no one was looking.*_

Myrlana,

I can see you there across the campfire from me. You’re talking to Cassandra with that serious look on your face. You’ve had that look since our second day on this trek, and I know it my fault. Still, I miss your smile. I miss watching you laugh with your companions, I miss the friendly banter around the campfire. Most of all, I miss the secret smiles your would give me.

What can I do to restore what was? You have my love, forever and always. Please tell me what else I can give you or do for you to mend this rift.

No no NO, this is not right. Maker’s Balls, it hurts so much, Myrlana. I can’t think. I don’t know how to make this right, and I can’t think because there’s this hole in my heart. I can’t stand it! But that’s selfish, and I can’t say it that way...

 

_*A letter presented to the Inquisitor from Commander Cullen with a self-conscious bow just before the party sets off.*_

Dear Myrlana,

I want to say first that you are right to be angry with me. I don’t mean to imply that you need my approval for your feelings. I just mean that I understand. I do retreat into myself when my past resurfaces. That darkness is not something I wish to share. However, this relationship I have with you is something I want to thrive and strive for. And any real relationship requires trust, and it requires the sharing of burdens.

I thought at first that I would write you this letter full of my heartfelt apology and bank on your sentimental attachment to our letter exchanges. You would forgive me and all this would be behind us. I’m sure I had a fantasy about our passionate reunion as well, but that’s not what I meant to talk about.

When I really thought about why you were so angry, I had to admit to myself that one letter of apology, be it ever so heartfelt, was not enough. I have to make sure you know that I’m working to improve. I know both that improvement and regaining your trust will take time.

So this letter is about something else. I want to tell you a story.

When I first joined the Inquisition, it was not yet an Inquisition. Cassandra asked me to join, and I did. I wanted so badly to believe in something after what happened in Kirkwall. I felt that the Templar Order no longer had my faith and what Cassandra offered seemed like it could be what I was looking for. So I came back to the kingdom of my birth, and we made our way to the Conclave.

When we arrived in Haven, it was too late. The Conclave at the Temple was in progress so we prepared to wait. You know what happened next. An explosion destroyed the Temple and all within. You can imagine that my thoughts immediately hearkened back to Kirkwall and the apostate mage that destroyed the Chantry there. I assumed something similar and vowed vengeance toward the one that was responsible.

I was told of the prisoner found emerging from a rift, half dead and bearing a mark on her hand matching the hole in the sky. I kept myself away from her knowing that if I came within reach, I would kill her. I hadn’t killed the apostate in Kirkwall. With the First Enchanter and Meredith adding to the chaos, and the Champion protecting her lover, it wasn’t possible or wise. I’d come to terms with that. But this elf… As soon as Leliana and Cassandra had learned what they needed to know, I vowed I would see her hanged.

She lay unconscious for long days, and while she slept, the world went mad. I saw many good men and women fall battling the demons pouring out of the rift. With each death, my anger grew.

Then came word that she was awake, and Cassandra was leading her to the Breach in an attempt to close it. I was told to muster our last scraps of strength and push toward the Temple. I did as I was told, and it was on the battlefield that I first saw the prisoner.

Her hands were unbound and in them was a greatsword. She had no helm so I could clearly see her Dalish tattoos. She fought side-by-side with the Seeker as fierce as anyone I’d ever seen. Watching her fight the demons, hearing Cassandra tell me that she was responsible for closing rifts, it stole my vengeance, and all I had left was the battle.

I was empty now. I suppose I should have turned myself toward finding the real culprit behind the Breach, but I couldn’t. I was done. I’d been wrong so many times already - at Kinloch Hold, in Kirkwall with Meredith and now again at the Temple of Sacred Ashes - that I couldn’t bear being wrong again. I would serve the Inquisition as I had promised, but beyond that, I was done.

Except I couldn’t be. You see, that warrior I saw fighting at the Temple kept fighting. She fought when all around her presumed her guilty, she fought when it seemed as if the only thing around her were threats. She joined the Inquisition, an institution based on Andrastian tenets, despite her Dalish origin, and she fought valiantly for peace and justice.

My Lady Inquisitor, this letter is just to tell you that I found that something to believe in. And while I know that sometimes I make mistakes, I still have faith, and that faith drives me to do better. Because I believe in you, Myrlana Lavellan, and I always will.

And love? Yes, I love you. Truly, deeply and passionately. But my faith in you is even stronger than that.

Because of that belief, I know it was wrong of me to hide my thoughts about our current goal. I am sorry, and I do hope you will forgive me someday.

Samson will always be a sore subject for me. So much about him is familiar to me. In some ways I see myself in him and in others, I see a man that I once admired.

When he was cast from the Order, I remember a part of me, a part that hate had not yet touched, being impressed by his actions. I tried hard to suppress that part, but I still couldn’t help but see his bravery and envy him for trying to do what was right even if I believed those same actions to be wrong. His certainty was so foreign to me then. And as a young man, I was not immune to to the appeal of defying authority for the sake of romance no matter what I told myself. And so now, even though I know that he has become corrupted by his resentment toward the Order and his desire for strength, some part of me still remembers that admiration.

And even beyond that, I see something I myself might have become in the faces of each Templar touched by red lyrium. Some of them may even be men and women I once knew, now corrupted beyond recognition. Had I chosen differently, would I have become one of them? Do you ever wonder about that, Myrlana? How your life would be different if you’d made a different decision somewhere in your life?

And so our current journey consumes my thoughts, and I foolishly felt that this was something I needed to work through by myself. It was my problem.

I hope you will forgive me eventually. I am prepared to grovel as much as necessary or to leave you alone until you’re ready if that’s your wish. And if you do forgive me, I swear to make my best possible effort to share my burdens.

And so I say again, I love you, Myrlana. No matter what you decide, I am yours.

Always,  
Cullen


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen receives some unsolicited advice, and Myrlana decides she wants a pet.

Curly,

I see that you and our fearless leader are on speaking terms again. But I warn you that you’re probably still on probation. To really earn her forgiveness, you ought to do something over the top and romantic. Declare your feelings to all the world. Write her a sonnet and recite it on one knee before her. That sort of thing.

And tell me when and where. I want to be there to take notes.

Varric

\---

_Cullen,_

_I’m glad to see that you and the Inquisitor have made amends. You are both important to me and I’m happy to know that you are happy. You both deserve it._

_However, you shouldn’t think that just because she has forgiven you that you can go back to business as usual. Obviously you’ll only eventually land in the same situation. You should prove your love in some way. Actions are much louder than words. Give her flowers, read her poetry by candlelight. Perhaps a romantic picnic? I’m sure we could delay our journey for a day should you need it._

_Sincerely,  
Cassandra_

_\---_

_Commander,_

_You are luckier than you deserve, dear, and the Inquisitor is perhaps more forgiving than she ought to be. I suppose it helps inspire loyalty in her followers. Fortunately for her, she has others watching her back for treachery. I hope you will keep that fact in mind in the future, Commander. You are not the only sword in her scabbard._

_I also wanted to extend a bit of advice. Despite her forgiving nature, the Inquisitor is a woman of passions, and could easily be incited against you again. Given your Fereldan background, I suggest a grand gesture, as I believe subtlety to beyond your capability. Gifts are always an excellent beginning, though given our current location that would be less than practical. That leaves seduction. Please come to me for any instruction you may require. We can’t have you traumatizing our leader with your customary awkwardness, after all._

_Sincerely,  
Madame de Fer_

\---

*A note copied onto three separate scraps of parchment*

Stop “helping” and butt out or I’ll sic the whole Inquisition army on the lot of you.

I mean it.

Cullen

\---

_Varric,_

_What did you do to, Cullen? He’s tomato red and keeps giving Vivienne nervous glances. And I swear I saw him glaring at you and Cassandra earlier._

_Please don’t break my Commander. I like him the way he is._

_Myrlana_

\---

Well, Seeker, I think this might be worse than when they were fighting.

Alright, you know I don’t really mean that. But Maker’s dippled buttcheeks! I didn’t think it was possible to be that sickeningly sweet. Maybe we could knock them unconscious for the rest of the trip back to Skyhold? Or you could. Peony’s giant axe terrifies me.

Varric

\---

_Varric,_

_I cannot believe you are complaining. First, “Oh no, they are fighting! How ridiculous!” and now “Oh no! They’ve made up! Too sweet!” Make up your mind, dwarf._

_And it’s not disgusting. They are in love and they both deserve to be happy._

_Now stop being purposefully annoying and find something useful to do._

_Cassandra_

\---

Seeker,

I forgot who you were for a moment. Of course “Thedas’ Most Romantic Warrior Woman” thinks they’re sweet. I can’t wait until we’re back in Skyhold and can safely avoid the lovebirds. I think they’re going to make my teeth rot. And don’t encourage them. They don’t need the help.

I’m not cut out for this romance novel crap. First Swords and Shields, now this. I should have stayed out of that business.

Varric

\---

_Varric,_

_I am not overly romantic. It’s just nice to see something good in dark times like these. Though I will admit it has gotten difficult to get the Inquisitor’s attention the past few days. She can’t keep her mind on anything serious for more than a few moments at a time. I’m sure things will improve once we’re back at Skyhold, as you said._

_Cassandra_

_P.S. But you must continue Swords and Shields! There’s so much more to the Knight-Captain’s story! That plotline with the Orlesian Baron, for instance, that wasn’t tied up properly…_

\---

Everyone’s a critic. Fear not, Seeker, you’ll get the next chapter. It’s too good a joke for me to give up on now.

Varric

\---

_Cullen,_

_I was just thinking that I’ve never actually seen a lion except in art. Have you? I think I’d like to one day. I’ve always liked cats, and I am reasonable fond of you, my lion. Perhaps I should try to tame a lion as a pet? That would be quite the image, wouldn’t it? Just think of the impression that having a majestic hunting cat lying at my feet as I sit on my throne at Skyhold… Hmmm, that’s a bit overdone actually. I think I would laugh myself silly if I ever tried. Maybe I should just get a house cat. It could sit on my lap and purr and be far less intimidating to pet. A lion wouldn’t fit on my lap._

_My clan keeps some cats with the aravels to keep rats and mice from tagging along. The halla like the cats’ company too. Our hounds aren’t especially pleased by the set up but they learn to ignore the cats or risk a swipe of claws to the snout. But I suppose I should say that my clan kept cats… I wonder what happened to the animals after Wycome._

_But I’m guessing you’re a dog person, yes? I’ve been told that all Fereldans are absolutely obsessed with dogs. Did you ever have a dog as a boy? Or any other pet?_

_Can I tell you a secret? I’m avoiding work by writing to you. Cassandra is starting to get a little annoyed at me. She keeps trying to talk to me about what we learned at the Shrine of Dumat and I keep ignoring her or changing the subject. I’m having a wonderful time on this little journey back to Skyhold, you see, and I don’t want to think about world ending matters at the moment. I know those things will be waiting for me at Skyhold so I am just going to let them wait. It’s not like I could do anything useful right now anyway._

_And you’d better not lecture me about dereliction of duty! I know you’re a workaholic, but you will give me this respite or I will do something awful. I can’t think of anything right this second, but I’m creative woman, just give me some time._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. Oh! I’ll make you write me love poems. Varric told me about his advice to you (I had to threaten him before he’d give up that information so don’t get too angry with him), and he said you got rather red and were incomprehensible with either rage or embarrassment. He wasn’t sure. Either way, that makes it seem a fitting sort of punishment. Especially because I’d get something out of it._

\---

Myrlana,

I swear I shall not reprimand you for avoiding your duty. You deserve a break. I pay attention, you know, and I have seen the toll the Inquisition has taken on you. Thedas needs you so badly, but I know it isn’t fair.

I hate to reinforce Ferelden stereotype, but yes, we had dogs when I was a boy though I never had one that was mine. Perhaps I would have if I hadn’t left to train with the templars when I was young. But I remember there were always various hounds about my family’s home. When we would play pretend, we would often be valiant knights and pretend our hounds were trained mabari fighting faithfully at our side. I don’t think there’s a child in all Ferelden that doesn’t at some point dream of having a mabari companion.

I also have never encountered a lion. One of the templars stationed at the Circle in Ferelden had come from Orlais, and he liked to boast of a lion he’d fought when he first came over the Frostbacks. It turned out that he had been around 5 years old when his parents brought him over (they were servants to some noble that had lost favor in Val Royeaux and when their master’s fortune fell they decided to make a new life among the neighboring barbarians). The lion may have been real, but even if it was, I doubt his boasts about facing it singlehandedly and unarmed to boot were anything close to the truth.

Our midday break is ending so it’s time to get finish this letter and get back on the road. I will also be disappointed once this journey is ended. Arriving back at Skyhold will mean we have to deal with what we learned about Samson. Not to mention all of the other disasters that might have occurred in our absence.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Oh Cullen, until that last paragraph you were positively cheerful. But don’t feel like you need to put on happy airs just to please me. It’s ok to be upset about what happened. Though I do know you really are enjoying this time away from your office as well, at least you are now. We need more breaks like this. Times when we can both escape the press of duties for a little while._

_I am disappointed in you though. I almost hoped you’d scold my current quest to avoid responsibility since I really wanted to see what kind of poetry you’d come up with._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

I hope this will suffice, Myrlana.

Yours,  
Cullen

 

**For My Lady**

Words will never describe  
How you make me feel  
And how you make my senses reel  
For my heart you truly did steal  
But with this poem I will try

First I write of your lips  
They give commands great  
And they both inspire and berate  
But the words of love they create  
Are what make my heartbeats skip

Second I address your eyes  
Wide and wondrous and deep  
They speak of the sorrows you keep  
And the of the joys you reap  
Truly they are a precious prize

Third I must tell of your hands  
For your touch sets my skin afire  
And to their strength Thedas aspires  
And nothing can ever be too dire  
While your mark defends the lands

Forgive me for my words so awkward and shaky  
I wish only to convince your heart  
Or at least to make a valiant start  
Of my devotion to your every part  
My strong, my beautiful, my incredible lady

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, it's been a long time! Writer's block struck in a big way the past few months. Getting this chapter written was a struggle, but I am very glad to be posting it!
> 
> Also, I write fiction not poetry so please forgive me. Luckily, I'm guessing Cullen would be about as bad as I am so it worked out in this case ^_^


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Inquisition makes its way to the Arbor Wilds. Myrlana struggles not to punch some of her companions.

_Cullen,_

_While part of me is filled with confidence considering the formidable alliance I have ordered into motion so that we may confront Corypheus in the Arbor Wilds, a greater part of me is filled with anxiety. I feel something momentous approaching. Perhaps this will be the final confrontation. Are we really ready? Am I? I can’t help but think of our narrow escape at Haven - and of all those that didn’t escape. I can’t fail like that again._

_Then I remember how large, how powerful a force the Inquisition has become. Surely we can withstand this storm. I just hope the price is one I can live with paying._

_But enough of serious matters! Have you noticed? There’s far less whispering and winking and badly disguised bawdy jokes on this excursion. Do you think the soldiers have finally tired of gossiping about us? I can hardly believe it. Even Leliana and Josephine seem subdued. Perhaps this is a worrying sign after all. Another thing to add to my anxieties. It seems even my attempt to be light-hearted was a failure. Hopefully, it’s not an omen._

_I do want to ask you, as my Commander, how are the soldiers? Is morale strong? It’s sometimes hard for me to tell - they show me such deference that they could be in despair and I’m not sure I’d be able to sense the severity of it. The last thing we need is for my worries to affect our people, so please tell me if I need to project more confidence and invincibility._

_I can’t wait for this to be over with._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I wish you would avoid words like “final confrontation”. It sounds so...final, and I don’t want to think about any possibility where you don’t come back to me. You escaped death in miraculous fashion at the Conclave, at Haven and at Adamant. Three times is more than anyone can hope for. I don’t want to I can’t lose you, Myrlana, so don’t tempt fate!

I have also noticed the lack of whispers, but I don’t believe it’s due to low morale. Your Inquisition is focused, my lady, and it is that focus that makes them quiet.

And that focus is why we are ready. And you are ready. You have foiled Corypheus at every turn, and you will do it again. I have faith in you.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_Faith, Cullen? I thought we were past this Herald of Andraste business. Don’t you go believing in my divinity now! Besides, I think Andraste’s example is not one you’d wish me to follow. She was killed after all._

_I’m only teasing, Cullen._

_I am glad to hear that the soldiers are coping so well. And I suppose it is my turn to focus my attention on what lies ahead. As much as I enjoy passing notes to you, Leliana has been wishing to discuss scout reports with us both. So back to work it is._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Don’t joke about that, please. I can’t bear to think of a scenario where you don’t return. Not again. I have almost lost you before, and I dread facing that as a reality. You will survive.

But you are right. We both have things to focus on right now. My focus will be doing everything I can to make sure you have the chance to stop Corypheus. Your forces will get you there safely.

I will have to trust the skill of others, as well as your own skill, to keep you safe when you reach the temple. Fortunately, you have gathered a very competent group. And I know that you can look after yourself as well.

But still. My prayers will go with you, my lady.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_I often wish that you could come with me, not just your prayers. I know in my mind that’s not how these things work, but my heart has trouble agreeing._

_You are right about the people I have though. It makes me proud to think of those that have chosen to join us. Besides Morrigan, I’m planning to bring Solas with me into the temple. Between the two of them, I should have all the expertise I need. I am a bit worried they’ll drive me into a rage though. They both have a bit of a condescending attitude toward the Dalish on occasion. I’m guessing this temple might bring some of that out. Either that or they’ll bicker until I go mad._

_Perhaps I’ll insist that Sera come as well just to provide a counterpoint. Or would that only make it worse? Opinion, Commander?_

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

Don’t do it, my lady! Sera would probably just bring out the worst in the two of them. You’d never get a break from the bickering. I can’t condone such a decision since it is my duty to ensure your well-being. It is an amusing picture though. At least it’s amusing for those of ust that wouldn’t have to deal with it.

Best of luck with your strong personalities, Myrlana. Just swing that axe of your around every time Morrigan or Solas start getting uppity. That monster you carry gets one’s attention quite well.

Yours,  
Cullen

P.S. You already know that I wish I could come with you. Oh Maker, the scouts say we will come upon the temple tomorrow so it’s our last evening of peace.

\---

_Cullen,_

_In that case, I shall tell you a bedtime story and you can sing me to sleep. I’ll see you in your tent tonight, ma vhenan._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_\---_

_Cullen,_

_I”m not sure why I’m writing you a letter right now. It’s not as if I’m sitting at camp resting from my adventures. I’m just trying to stay out of the way while Morrigan studies some carvings to try and translate what this place is and where we need to go. She banished me to the corner because I was crowding her. I think she’s secretly nervous that she doesn't know as much as she thought, and it’s manifesting itself as extra grumpiness._

_So here I am, writing to you even though I can feel time slipping away from us._

_This place is incredible though. So much history right here. If only I could understand it so I could bring the knowledge to my people. Though are they really my people anymore?_

_Morrigan is calling. Hopefully we are moving on._

_\---_

_Adding a bit more here. Solas and Morrigan are investigating a ritual we need to pass through to get deeper into the Temple. There is a shortcut, but it doesn’t feel right somehow. I hope I’m not making the wrong decision. I know you and the Inquisition forces are fighting outside, and the faster I can reach our goal the better, but rushing in doesn’t feel right. There’s an energy in this place. Maybe it’s just because I’m Dalish and that’s affecting my judgment. But I can’t bring myself to betray this place by barreling through it. I can only hope that Mythal is watching my steps and leading me down the best path._

_\---_

_I wish I could be here during a less fraught time. And maybe without others. Solas and Morrigan’s constant bickering over elven history is starting to really grate on my nerves. Am I invisible? I know I’m not a Keeper or a First, but I am Dalish! And even if I was a Keeper, I feel as if they would both still ignore me. After all, what could one of the elves that do their best to keep our history alive know? Every time I insert some bit of lore from my people into the conversation, I get this patronizing look. You know, the one that says “Quiet, child. The adults are talking”. I haven’t felt like this since I was eleven, and my mother caught me sneaking into a gathering of the clan’s senior hunters._

_There’s so much here that I could learn for my people, for all elves. If only I had the time to stop and listen and ask._

_\---_

_This place...Everything is so… I have so many questions, and I am not sure what to think. I miss my Keeper, my parents, my people. I need comfort and the only thing to be found is fighting. I wait here for our guide to open the next section of path, and all I hear is violence as Red Templars destroy in their efforts to reach whatever this Well of Sorrows is._

_I shall see you on the other side of this._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_\---_

_Cullen,_

_I’m back at Skyhold. I’ll keep this short since time is of the essence. Come back here, as quickly as you can. You, Leliana, and Josephine. I need my advisers. Leave the army to make their own way; you’ll travel faster that way. I’m sorry, but it’s necessary._

_We found the Well, and an eluvian (there was one; at least Morrigan got that much right). We used the eluvian to get back here. I’ll give you more details once you return. The important thing is that we kept the Well’s power and knowledge out of Corypheus’ hands._

_Oh, and have some soldiers retrieve Samson and bring him back to Skyhold, too. If ever there was a person the Inquisition has right to judge, it is him._

_May Ghilan’nain speed your steps and guide you safely home, my love. I need your counsel and your comfort more than ever._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I LIVE!
> 
> Anyway, I will never abandon Myrlana. But life got in the way a bit. Mostly in good ways: job success, love life, etc. But it's been a busy couple of years. All that to say, I'm trying to make more room in my life for writing again because I love it.


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Myrlana and Cullen both struggle with the fallout from the Arbor Wilds. And deal with another revelation through the eluvian.

Myrlana,

What happened? Are you well? Please, be well. Your note was far too short on details. I shall hope that a longer letter is incoming, but in case you forgot, know that we are all worried. Yes, me especially, but Leliana and Josephine feel it as well. You are well-loved by your people, my lady.

We are following your instructions, however, Inquisitor. We have left the army and are travelling as fast as we can back to Skyhold. By the time you see this, we shall be only a few days travel away, barring any unforeseen holdups. I hope whatever your reason for haste, we are able to make it to you in time.

The rest of the Inquisition forces follow at their own pace. Our Orlesian allies return with Celene, however. If you need them at Skyhold, we shall send orders to recall them immediately.

That’s enough official business. I am anxious to see you. I am glad you were able to thwart Corypheus in the temple. I know that it was a difficult experience for you. Whatever I can do to help, I am yours.

I love you, Myrlana.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_Cullen,_

_The final words of your last letter were exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you. My heart is yours, and I’m so relieved to hear you’ll be with me again soon._

_I will wait until you are at Skyhold for the full story, but I can provide a brief summary now. The Well we found was connected to Mythal somehow. It contained centuries of knowledge for any who would partake._

_I refrained and passed the knowledge to Morrigan. All such magics have a price, and I was afraid. I refused to pay it and give up any of my remaining freedom even if I would only have been bound to a dead God. (Yes, dead. The mother goddess of my people and the ancient elves in her temple say she is dead, murdered. Impossible. And troubling. Oh, Cullen, what am I supposed to believe?)_

_I wanted so badly to have Istimaethoriel, our Keeper, there or any other of my clan. Someone I trust to take the burden the Well represents. I had thought Solas… but he refused. What was I to do? And now I have passed the greatest wealth of elven knowledge I have ever known to a human witch. A woman I barely know and hardly trust._

_It’s my fault, my fear. I hope it does not destroy what we’ve fought to accomplish with the Inquisition._

_Please do not share this letter with the others. You may give them the bare facts about the Well, but I do not wish them to know of my weakness. I will hold onto the image of strength for as long as I can, for them, for the Inquisition._

_I am sorry I cannot be that woman for you as well, vhenan._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

\---

Myrlana,

I will see you hopefully by the end of the day, but I am sending this raven ahead of us.

I have never known a stronger woman. I am confident your decision came not from weakness, but from your own sense of self. I believe in you, my lady. You have proven your resolve and fortitude.

Have faith, Myrlana. All will be well.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_[A note delivered to the Inquisitor’s rooms.]_

Myrlana,

I know you told me over breakfast that you do not wish to be disturbed today, but I wanted to inform you that the group escorting Samson has arrived.

They report that the main foot soldiers are still making their way back, but they were able to travel faster by horse.

The Inquisition, and I, await your judgement.

Cullen

P. S. My lady, I’m worried about you. I understand your need for solace, but please, let me help, if I can. Even if all I can do is offer comfort and a sympathetic ear.

\---

_[A note delivered to the Commander’s office.]_

_Cullen,_

_I am sorry for my withdrawal. You deserved better. And I know today was not easy for you with Samson receiving judgment at my hands. I hope you agree with my actions. I remember before I was Inquisitor - Creators, that feels like a lifetime ago - the thought of condemning a person to live the rest of their life as a prisoner seemed unconscionable. But that is what I’ve done here. And it isn’t the first time. I’ve changed so much. Was it for the better?_

_But then, Samson has done unconscionable things. Some of his motives may be sympathetic, but there were other paths he could have taken. You are proof enough of that._

_Am I just rationalizing? My thoughts are so scattered and confused… I don’t know what to do anymore. The confidence I used to feel in the course I was setting for the Inquisition now feels foolish. What can I, an elf whose Gods are dead, do to save an entire world from destruction?_

_But no, I have accepted a duty, and I cannot abandon it._

_I’m sorry, Cullen. I need to work through this, and I think I need to do it by myself._

_In lath,  
Myrlana_

_P.S. I love you._

_\---_

_[A note delivered to the Inquisitor’s rooms.]_

Myrlana,

I understand, and I will do my best to honor your wish for solitude. But please remember I’m here should you need me. And come up for air sometimes. Let others carry the weight of the world for a few moments so you can breathe.

I love you, too.

And I trust you. Both as a partner and as Inquisitor.

Yours,  
Cullen

\---

_[Note rushed by messenger to Commander Cullen.]_

_Cullen,_

_I’m not sure what is happening, but the Inquisitor just went through that eluvian after Morrigan. Morrigan’s son went missing._

_My instincts are telling me that something important is going on. You should come. Myrlana is going to need you._

_Leliana_

_\---_

_[Notes passed during a meeting in the War Room.]_

_Cullen,_

_I’m sorry to talk to you by letter even though we’re both together in Skyhold yet again. But all of these discussions about how to deal with Corypheus have been taking up all my time so I can only put my thoughts to paper in the few moments between the many items on my to-do list._

_I love you, Cullen. I know after what happened with Morrigan and her mother I was shaken yet again. It meant everything to me that when I stepped out of that mirror, you were there to hold me. I am a lucky woman to have such a stalwart partner._

_And when I barged in on you praying for me… While I am not Andrastian and, despite my new doubts about my own gods, do not believe in your Maker, no prayer has ever meant more to me than yours._

_You give me the strength to face Corypheus yet again. Or perhaps it’s more that your faith in my own strength convinces me to believe in myself._

_Thank you, ma vhenan._

_In lath,  
Myrlana ___

__\---_ _

__Myrlana,  
I’m always here for you. And you have always been there for me. I understand._ _

__Stay safe, my love. I’ll be waiting for you._ _

__Yours,  
Cullen_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, things are really getting toward the end... The final confrontation with Corypheus is closing in. Hopefully, Myrlana can get through this and then get some rest. Until Trespasser that is ;)


End file.
